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The Top 7… sexy horses every stud should ride

2) Wet Pet Ponies

The games: Petz Horse Club, Pony Friends, Horsez, My Horse and Me

Japan may be most famous for its petite Yonaguni Umas, a pure native breed known for their good nature and pony-sized pooh. But the country is also known for developing and producing some of the most hardcore interactive sex games in the world. Still, while the mainstream gaming media still struggles with wrapping its head around human-centric hentai titles, Western game studios have been busy pumping out hardcore horse porn right under the ESRB’s muzzle. Just look at some of the smut that’s been released by companies like Atari and Ubisoft.


Above: The act of cleaning never felt so dirty. Or wonderful 


Above: Petz Horse Club shamelessly targets the always horny horse demographic that yearns for yearlings too young for their own good 


1) Agro

The game: Shadow of the Colossus
The rider: Some stupid human boy who likes Mono

Broodmares come and go. After all, these sexy beasts were brought into this world for two reasons: to breed and break our hearts. Maybe that’s why Agro’s faithfulness to her human boy master in Shadow of the Colossus makes her so attractive. Not even gigantic stone colossi can spook this intrepid black beauty; she never leaves the weak human boy’s side or abandons him for some handsome stallion to search for greener pastures. Instead, she stays with him, and supports his ridiculous quest to resurrect Mono.


Above: If you thought this was sad, you haven’t played Shadow of the Colossus 

And it’s this unerring loyalty that winds up nearly costing Agro her life when she sacrifices her beautiful body to save the stupid human boy from falling off a collapsing bridge. To this day, I am haunted by the image of Agro’s flailing hocks and the sound of her whimpering whinny as she falls into the abyss. Why should you ride Agro? Because you don’t deserve her. No one does.


Above: You don’t deserve to ride Agro 


Above: Ungrateful runt! That should be Agro in your arms!



Above: Look, human. I already spoiled the game for you. So watch the heart wrenching demise of the most beautiful creature to grace the world of gaming


Above: The ultimate proof of Agro's superiority is that she's indestructible, as she limped all the way back for the end credits after her death defying fall

Jul 6, 2009


 

The Top 7… inanimate objects
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The Top 7… canine companions
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Topics

Buttercup

141 comments

  • Jadernader - July 26, 2010 9:53 p.m.

    Epona > all other horses
  • shopping88 - June 8, 2010 1:40 p.m.

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  • jnewco81 - January 2, 2010 8:55 p.m.

    Unfortunately they would probably end up shooting Agro... Horse + Broken Leg = Bad news :-(
  • jackthemenace - December 9, 2009 8:24 p.m.

    :O shadowmere wasn't on there! but at least you did mention the ES:IV horses. on a side note, can you use the horse armour to armour shadowmere?
  • FanofSaiyan - December 5, 2009 2:15 a.m.

    Is it me, or do the people at Gamesradar have a LITTLE too much time on their hands?
  • Kytl - October 6, 2009 12:03 a.m.

    Epona is best
  • Counternub - August 7, 2009 9:07 p.m.

    For oblivion you should have put shadowmere
  • Conman93 - July 23, 2009 2:04 p.m.

    I was really really sad when agro 'died'. That is such an awesome game
  • Cyberninja - July 14, 2009 4:14 p.m.

    sweet horses write articles now and i was right about you guys runing out of ideas
  • killer98 - July 11, 2009 4:15 p.m.

    this is a weird subject!
  • RebornKusabi - July 10, 2009 8:24 p.m.

    I love the idiots that either didn't get this article or took it seriously.
  • ClusterShart - July 10, 2009 7:22 p.m.

    Best. Fucking. Article. Ever. .
  • cassadinechik - July 10, 2009 2:06 p.m.

    Yeah, Epona being named alone puts her above Assassin's Creed's and Oblivion's random horses. I agree, horseshit.
  • Frootaloom - July 10, 2009 2:37 a.m.

    mmmmm, look at them fine stallions.
  • skyguy343 - July 10, 2009 12:26 a.m.

    @kacebaad07 pay attention to the industry. ever heard of last guardian? christ.. anyways, i aboslutely knew agro was going to be at the top of this list cuz he was and is the best sidekick i have ever seen in a game and touched me enough to make me shed a tear when he bravely gave his life for me
  • gatornation1254 - July 8, 2009 10:37 p.m.

    I will like to see more articles from B. Buttercup.
  • PrincessPeachesTampon - July 8, 2009 8:12 p.m.

    Oooh Buttercup! I wanna ride you so hard!
  • reroxas - July 8, 2009 4:46 p.m.

    Yes Agro won (but i thought it was Aro in the U.S. version which I have)he was totally the coolest ridable animal since who knows when
  • Hydrohs - July 8, 2009 3:24 a.m.

    ...WTF DO YOU MEAN EPONA IS NUMBER 7? BULLSHIT. ... Wait... I MEAN HORSESHIT.

Showing 1-20 of 141 comments

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