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The Top 7... Ridiculous in-game vehicles

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4) Ridge Racer 7: Pac-Man UFO

Ah, Pac-Man. Perhaps the only videogame character that we still (and probably always will) love unconditionally. Waka waka waka indeed. But Namco do like to pimp him out every now and then. Pac-Man World was ace in a 'this is really crap' kind of way, the Pac 'n' Roll DS game was bearable if dull, but at no point did we ever make the leap from pill-eating puck to UFO-driving lunatic racer.

So what's THIS all about?

Yes, Pac-Man's driving a flying saucer (actually a warship from Xevious) and racing around the tracks of Ridge Racer 7 in it. Riiiight...

How you get it: We used to know how to get this UFO, but some Men in Black came along and made us forget. Fortunately the internet tells us you have to win the Pac-Man Race event.

Why it's ridiculous: Pac-Man. Flying saucers. Drifting on a track you have no physical connection with. Look, the game's unrealistic at the best of times, but this is just silly.


3) Daytona USA: Horse

Manx TT Superbike may have sheep, but its arcade predecessor Daytona USA has a better secret. Nay, best. Or rather: 'neigh' best.


Above: That's about 240kph - yet it still didn't whinney. Sorry, 'win'

Now, we know you're probably thinking 'this isn't a vehicle'. But it is, for three reasons. Firstly, it's in a racing game and it handles like a car (except it doesn't lose speed over grass, cos it's a horse). Secondly, it's in the 'car select' menu, complete with automatic or manual gears. And finally, your team radio in saying 'try to go easy on the car' when you crash. So nur.

How to get it: No-one's got a Saturn any more, and those who do would probably rather forget this fugly first conversion of Daytona ever existed. But if you do have it still, and fancy some horse action, hold up and left (diagonally), A, B, X, and Z on the title screen and press start. And then seek psychiatric advice.

Why it's ridiculous: A field of 39 cars and one horse. Must've thought it was a different kind of field. Or maybe a soccer field if the next shot's anything to go by:


Above: Score one for da equine massif!


2) Mario Kart Double Dash: Piranha Pipes

The game's good. But, if we're honest, we're tired of Mario Kart's stupid vehicles. Note to Nintendo - you don't need anything in the game that isn't a Go-Kart. How could you beat that simple aesthetic? The low ride-height that makes 30mph feel like 200mph? The 360 degree line of fire for your shells? It just works. So why would we pass up this:

For this?

I mean... even if you forget the fact it's a ridiculous concept, Petey's head is so big it obscures your view of the track. You can switch out characters, sure, but that just makes it even more absurd. Why would Princess Peach sit in a pipe? Surely Wario's ass is too big?

How do you get it? Beat the Star cup in mirror mode. Or (OK, deep breath) take a trip to your local garden centre and buy a carniverous plant, nick some industrial-sized waste pipes from the local building site, spray them green, sellotape on some wheels and an engine and name the resulting abomination Peter.

Why is it ridiculous? It's a pipe with a flesh-eating plant in it, attached to another pipe with a ghost hanging off the back. Who is wearing a crown. It's got a steering wheel linked in no manner whatsoever to the front axle... Oh, and it's got a fender on the front which is (wait for it...) another pipe! Oh the hilarity.

How do you not make a good racing vehicle? By building it out of stupid.

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35 comments

  • Lu1SS3 - February 16, 2010 9:47 p.m.

    PS3 iS wack
  • dante1924 - January 16, 2010 10:12 p.m.

    Lol, a sheep in a racing game. Horses make more sense, since there are real horse races, so sheep should have been higher on the list!
  • RareHero - November 28, 2009 5:11 a.m.

    I'm really into cars as well so for me this is the best top 7 ever. I still have my Saturn along with Manx TT and Daytona USA. And I'm proud to say I'm one of the four existing Ridge Racer fans in the world. Also Daytona is the best game ever made. And I'm not being sarcastic.
  • Kytl - November 27, 2009 4:46 a.m.

    lol....goats...
  • sveini22 - November 26, 2009 3:30 p.m.

    lolololololololololololololololol
  • ViolentLee - November 25, 2009 11:39 p.m.

    There's also a sheep in the very decent Sony-published Downhill Domination for PS2. It has handle bars coming out of its neck.
  • pastycaucasian - November 25, 2009 6 p.m.

    The Piranha Pipes car looks like something you would take a crap in not drive.
  • w40kfanatic - November 25, 2009 4:57 p.m.

    Oh, sorry for double-posting, but i forgot to mention that this is another great article. Thank you, GR!!!! recaptcha: ordnance 2,160,000.
  • w40kfanatic - November 25, 2009 4:55 p.m.

    Where is mercinaries 2's "the devestator"? That was the greatest most ridiculous ride ever! I wish i could have kept it the whole game just for laughs!
  • revrock - November 24, 2009 7:50 a.m.

    @ cyberninja yup I downloaded that on day one and talked my brother into getting it too.
  • GeneralTickTock - November 24, 2009 4:01 a.m.

    "How do you not make a good racing vehicle? By building it out of stupid." thats just straiight up hilarious
  • reyalejandro13 - November 24, 2009 3:18 a.m.

    1) I loved that episode of the Simpsons. 2) The line that made this article for me "How do you make a crappy car? By building it out of STUPID" That just made me laugh very much. Also, I think that every board in Sonic Rider's Is stupid, only because WHY THE HELL WOULD SONIC NEED A F***ING HOVERBOARD TO GO FAST?!?!?! And to that extent, Shadow's Shoes in that game. EVERYONE ELSE IS ON A BOARD. WHY NOT YOU, SHADOW?!? And since i believe there's a Sonic game where he's driving a kart, WHY ARE YOU DRIVING A KART IF YOU CAN RUN FAST??? WTF MAN!!
  • JJBSterling - November 24, 2009 2:43 a.m.

    The Homer was also in Simpsons: Hit and Run. I was also surprised the llama from Downhill Domination wasn't on here, hell, even the actual bikes in those games shouldn't go that fast.
  • Curtis_Stone - November 24, 2009 1:42 a.m.

    This is a fun article, great work!!
  • GamesRadarButtercup - November 24, 2009 1:37 a.m.

    @GamesRadarCharlieBarratt: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You and all the other non-horse mammal cronies passing judgment and mocking the quadraped gamer minority...
  • Cyberninja - November 24, 2009 1:10 a.m.

    @revrock wre ok they just relesed a new one on wiiware
  • GameManiac - November 24, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    I'm actually a big car fanatic (thank you Need for Speed and Gran Turismo!), so I was naturally drawn to this article. I hope no frogs were harmed in the making of this article.
  • GamesRadarCharlieBarratt - November 24, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    Buttercup?! I thought we turned you into delicious, delicious glue!
  • Conman93 - November 24, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    @ felixthecat I totally agree. It was very easy to use and didnt go too fast, unlike the rocket car
  • Skykid - November 23, 2009 11:31 p.m.

    WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? WTF!? Get those abominations away from me! Why are those even considered rides? Those are not vehicles, those are s*** with wheels.

Showing 1-20 of 35 comments

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