The Top 7... Ridiculous in-game vehicles

Nuh-uh - we're not driving THAT

Ah, Pac-Man. Perhaps the only videogame character that we still (and probably always will) love unconditionally. Waka waka waka indeed. But Namco do like to pimp him out every now and then. Pac-Man World was ace in a 'this is really crap' kind of way, the Pac 'n' Roll DS game was bearable if dull, but at no point did we ever make the leap from pill-eating puck to UFO-driving lunatic racer.

So what's THIS all about?

Yes, Pac-Man's driving a flying saucer (actually a warship from Xevious) and racing around the tracks of Ridge Racer 7 in it. Riiiight...

How you get it: We used to know how to get this UFO, but some Men in Black came along and made us forget. Fortunately the internet tells us you have to win the Pac-Man Race event.

Why it's ridiculous: Pac-Man. Flying saucers. Drifting on a track you have no physical connection with. Look, the game's unrealistic at the best of times, but this is just silly.


3) Daytona USA: Horse

Manx TT Superbike may have sheep, but its arcade predecessor Daytona USA has a better secret. Nay, best. Or rather: 'neigh' best.


Above: That's about 240kph - yet it still didn't whinney. Sorry, 'win'

Now, we know you're probably thinking 'this isn't a vehicle'. But it is, for three reasons. Firstly, it's in a racing game and it handles like a car (except it doesn't lose speed over grass, cos it's a horse). Secondly, it's in the 'car select' menu, complete with automatic or manual gears. And finally, your team radio in saying 'try to go easy on the car' when you crash. So nur.

How to get it: No-one's got a Saturn any more, and those who do would probably rather forget this fugly first conversion of Daytona ever existed. But if you do have it still, and fancy some horse action, hold up and left (diagonally), A, B, X, and Z on the title screen and press start. And then seek psychiatric advice.

Why it's ridiculous: A field of 39 cars and one horse. Must've thought it was a different kind of field. Or maybe a soccer field if the next shot's anything to go by:


Above: Score one for da equine massif!


2) Mario Kart Double Dash: Piranha Pipes

The game's good. But, if we're honest, we're tired of Mario Kart's stupid vehicles. Note to Nintendo - you don't need anything in the game that isn't a Go-Kart. How could you beat that simple aesthetic? The low ride-height that makes 30mph feel like 200mph? The 360 degree line of fire for your shells? It just works. So why would we pass up this:

For this?

I mean... even if you forget the fact it's a ridiculous concept, Petey's head is so big it obscures your view of the track. You can switch out characters, sure, but that just makes it even more absurd. Why would Princess Peach sit in a pipe? Surely Wario's ass is too big?

How do you get it? Beat the Star cup in mirror mode. Or (OK, deep breath) take a trip to your local garden centre and buy a carniverous plant, nick some industrial-sized waste pipes from the local building site, spray them green, sellotape on some wheels and an engine and name the resulting abomination Peter.

Why is it ridiculous? It's a pipe with a flesh-eating plant in it, attached to another pipe with a ghost hanging off the back. Who is wearing a crown. It's got a steering wheel linked in no manner whatsoever to the front axle... Oh, and it's got a fender on the front which is (wait for it...) another pipe! Oh the hilarity.

How do you not make a good racing vehicle? By building it out of stupid.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The longest-serving GR+ staffer, I was here when all this was just fields. I'm currently Reviews Editor but still find time to speedrun Sonic levels and make daft Photoshop articles.
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