Total running time: Just under 23 minutes without credits
Super condensed version: Heroes destroy oppressive moon god. Turns out said god was the source of power for several party members, so they die. Main hero appears to die, but doesn’t.
Earlier we said we weren’t considering every single JRPG ending in existence, and this is why. A crippling amount end with 20-ish minutes of stilted dialog, robotic movements and cliched twists, but we needed at least one to represent the choking glut – and Infinite Undiscovery is our go-to yawnfest.
You could attempt to watch all four videos, but the first is easily the best. The 16-year-old Aya loses her shit when the hero, Capell, decides he must nobly stay behind to blah blah blah. She gets slapped, yelled at, then finally thrown over someone’s shoulder as she protests “I’ll hit you and kick you, I will!” But then it turns out Capell is fine and they live boringly ever after.
5 – Suikoden III
Running time: 25 minutes
Super condensed version: Something like 30 heroes slowly, awkwardly escape a perpetually collapsing palace. Main guy becomes leader of his people and an envoy to newfound friends.
OK, you got us. This is a JRPG with the same impossibly dense dialog and Stone Age character animation as Infinite Undiscovery. However, we included Suikoden 3 not for its flaccid, unmoving delivery, but for its 11-minute rundown of all 108 cast members.
Above: Only 105 more life-sapping entries to go
As with all Suikoden games, there are 108 characters, or “Stars of Destiny” to find. If you do, you’re rewarded with a brief, one-sentence blurb about their post-game fate, all of which are irresistibly interesting and make this ending longer than an episode of The Office. Hey, what happened to that one dark haired girl we met seven hours ago at that castle place?
“Viki teleports all over, chasing Elder Viki and others.”
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