The Top 7… least scary moments in scary games: Redux

Imagine you're a frightened, fragile teenage girl who's been kidnapped by supernatural forces you don't understand and thrown into the past to confront dead serial killers. So far you've evaded, faced down and destroyed a lumbering man-hulk with an executioner's hood and a sledgehammer, a maniac in a gasmask who hunted you with a hose full of acid and a shirtless Marilyn Manson lookalike with a hatchet.

Above: You

Above: Them

Now think: what's the scariest thing that could top off that experience? Whatever it is, it sure as hell isn't this:

So Clock Tower 3's idea of horrific killers is a brother-and-sister team of acrobatic ninja-harlequins with no pants? Maybe pancake makeup and high-pitched voices trigger some deep, primal fear in the Japanese psyche, but we couldn't quite bring ourselves to be afraid of these two Dynasty Warriors rejects, no matter how hard we tried. It didn’t even matter that we were playing as a skittish, easily murdered girl; somehow, we felt so innately superior to these clowns that it was impossible for our brains to register them as anything more than a temporary irritation.

Above: Oh, for… really? Really, these two? Ugh, Christ

Considering that these preening clods are followed up by a giant, foppish musketeer of a final boss, Clock Tower 3 stands out more than any other game not just for having shot its scare wad too early, but also for having no idea how to clean up afterward.

But its sins are still minor compared to what comes next.

The original Resident Evil might not have been the first survival-horror game, but it's the one that set the mold for all the others to follow. Telling the story of a group of special agents trapped in a house full of zombies, its schlocky scares and obtuse puzzles were made up for by an overbearing sense that something could jump out and eat you at any second - mostly because it often did.

Above: Pretty damn scary

Above: Not even a little scary

But Resident Evil is infamous for another reason: its hilariously bad voice acting and script. If you've ever heard the lines, "You, the master of unlocking," or "STOP IT! Don't open! That door!" or even "You were almost a Jill sandwich," then you've tasted the true horror of Resident Evil.

The game might have been a trailblazer, but every time one of its characters started to say something, we wanted to shove them straight down a zombie’s throat. Still, we all developed a sort of grudging, ironic love for those awful performances, and when the slick GameCube remake shoved them aside in favor of voice actors that were paid with money instead of sandwiches, a little part of us died - only to reawaken later and attempt to eat the rest of us.

Oct 27, 2008 

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  • ryno - January 4, 2009 2:03 a.m.

    in..... the original..... RE... they...sound... like... William Shatner
  • vdaymassacre - March 14, 2009 6:06 a.m.

    Lol'd at "no seriously what is this?" :D
  • Phantasmagorical - March 14, 2009 10:23 a.m.

    What...? Yes, I'm finally looking at GR articles and reading them. Give me a break! I'm not scared or frightened when it comes to playing games. It merely comes down to an occasional feeling of tension, apprehension about what's to happen next. I do jump from the occasional jump-out scare, though..
  • MrWordman - April 25, 2009 5:39 a.m.

    LOL the Silent Hill 3 thing. It sounded like it wanted to take a shit and needed your help. You weren't spposed to kill it, just help its dinosaur ass, drop some logs.
  • Jenkle21 - May 8, 2009 5:44 p.m.

    Dr.Salvador FTW
  • lava_lamp - October 27, 2008 8:15 p.m.

    pyramid heads rocks so does suntrust bank
  • jar-head - October 27, 2008 8:50 p.m.

    lol good stuff, keep em cummin!
  • oryandymackie - October 27, 2008 8:55 p.m. a BIT scared when that statue came towards me. I thought I'd have to fight it, which I was cool with, but then it started moving!!!
  • georgeguy - October 27, 2008 9:31 p.m.

    these are pretty funny...
  • benjitenji - October 27, 2008 9:41 p.m.

    i wonder why you didnt give a heads up to the SH series's UFO endings, those are equally nofunny and not scary as the dog ending, espically SE:H's, oh wheeler, you loveable twit.
  • Kerfluffle - October 27, 2008 10:20 p.m.

    I think the part where its inferred that Sander Cohen is gay or that if you kill him in Apollo Square and then burn his Quadtych he will resurrect and try to kill you again in BioShick is pretty unscacy since hes a mass murdering psychopath. Or maybe it just makes his powers more frightening o.0
  • bron1417 - October 27, 2008 10:46 p.m.

    way to bring back a classic article and make it beter. funny guys.
  • Valandil - October 28, 2008 12:10 a.m.

    That last video made me laugh alot!
  • Defguru7777 - October 28, 2008 2:40 a.m.

    Two things that will never scare me: Resident Evil's voice acting and the Salazar statue. One thing that does scare me: a sequel to Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg.
  • Cynwyddon - October 28, 2008 5:49 a.m.

  • crustdbeat - October 28, 2008 8:50 a.m.

    The point of clock tower was to feel that you had no chance at all if you were caught, none of this torturing crap. Snippy time!
  • Y2Ken - October 28, 2008 10:05 a.m.

    I remember this. Nice updating though, and well done on the two-year mark for your top 7s.
  • Thequestion 121 - October 28, 2008 7:49 p.m.

    That was good.
  • KHfan - October 29, 2008 1:20 p.m.

    i thought the numb bodies where bloody scary
  • NelosAngelos - October 30, 2008 9:47 p.m.

    If something like the Numb Bodies started walking (waddling?) up to me, shit that would be scary. I hate that crying whining sound they make. But when you look at it, they aren't too bad. They are about half your size, no mouth full of razor sharp teeth, no arms or even hands to strangle you or hit you, it's just the fact that at first you don't know what the hell they might do to you if you let them get close.

Showing 1-20 of 39 comments

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