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The Top 7… least scary moments in scary games: Redux


Imagine you're a frightened, fragile teenage girl who's been kidnapped by supernatural forces you don't understand and thrown into the past to confront dead serial killers. So far you've evaded, faced down and destroyed a lumbering man-hulk with an executioner's hood and a sledgehammer, a maniac in a gasmask who hunted you with a hose full of acid and a shirtless Marilyn Manson lookalike with a hatchet.


Above: You


Above: Them

Now think: what's the scariest thing that could top off that experience? Whatever it is, it sure as hell isn't this:



So Clock Tower 3's idea of horrific killers is a brother-and-sister team of acrobatic ninja-harlequins with no pants? Maybe pancake makeup and high-pitched voices trigger some deep, primal fear in the Japanese psyche, but we couldn't quite bring ourselves to be afraid of these two Dynasty Warriors rejects, no matter how hard we tried. It didn’t even matter that we were playing as a skittish, easily murdered girl; somehow, we felt so innately superior to these clowns that it was impossible for our brains to register them as anything more than a temporary irritation.

 

Above: Oh, for… really? Really, these two? Ugh, Christ

Considering that these preening clods are followed up by a giant, foppish musketeer of a final boss, Clock Tower 3 stands out more than any other game not just for having shot its scare wad too early, but also for having no idea how to clean up afterward.

But its sins are still minor compared to what comes next.


The original Resident Evil might not have been the first survival-horror game, but it's the one that set the mold for all the others to follow. Telling the story of a group of special agents trapped in a house full of zombies, its schlocky scares and obtuse puzzles were made up for by an overbearing sense that something could jump out and eat you at any second - mostly because it often did.


Above: Pretty damn scary


Above: Not even a little scary

But Resident Evil is infamous for another reason: its hilariously bad voice acting and script. If you've ever heard the lines, "You, the master of unlocking," or "STOP IT! Don't open! That door!" or even "You were almost a Jill sandwich," then you've tasted the true horror of Resident Evil.

 


The game might have been a trailblazer, but every time one of its characters started to say something, we wanted to shove them straight down a zombie’s throat. Still, we all developed a sort of grudging, ironic love for those awful performances, and when the slick GameCube remake shoved them aside in favor of voice actors that were paid with money instead of sandwiches, a little part of us died - only to reawaken later and attempt to eat the rest of us.

Oct 27, 2008 



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39 comments

  • NellyDaHobo - October 30, 2011 4:14 a.m.

    I'm pretty sure that the Pyramid Heads killed themselves because James finally overcame his fear, and fought back. Without something to terrorize, they had no point in life.
  • ShokuaHyuga - November 10, 2010 3:54 a.m.

    I've never played SIlent HIll, but if I did I wouldn't even bother killing that thing; it's too pathetic.
  • big rudy - November 3, 2008 11:02 p.m.

    @carsonnik, so when you fought a regenerator for the first time, without the infrared scope it didn't scare you?
  • DeathByGamer - October 29, 2008 2:57 p.m.

    I love the reapeated kicking of the dino-chicken.
  • GaMeZ4LiFe - October 29, 2008 1:53 a.m.

    Haha. I still love the Pyramid Head suicide. Classic.
  • KEEPFROMFREEZIN - October 28, 2008 8:55 p.m.

    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh poor voice actors!
  • CAPST3R - October 28, 2008 11:42 a.m.

    that statue was one of the 2 parts of the game that i did 1st time. the other was the final boss which was just too easy. and that sea monster.
  • carsonnik - October 28, 2008 4:05 a.m.

    I must be the only person in the world who didn't think RE 4 was very scary.
  • Corsair89 - October 28, 2008 3:44 a.m.

    Congrats on two years of those excellent Top 7's. Keep them coming!
  • Coolbeans69 - October 28, 2008 1:39 a.m.

    How come you guys didn't rate gh4??? Do u still need to get it? Please review it soon I'm trying to decide whether to get it or not.
  • RaIdEn - October 28, 2008 1:06 a.m.

    i remember the first time i encountered one of those chickens. i heard it coming and i was like " oh crap somethin really big is gonna eat me!" then that thing came and i was like "WTF?"
  • Fluxnard - October 27, 2008 11:55 p.m.

    I am the master of unlocking!!!1!!11!!!one!
  • ragrappy1 - October 27, 2008 11:54 p.m.

    Wow, This stuff is sad. Let me be scary about it SSSSSAAAAAAAADDDD.
  • key0blade - October 27, 2008 11:08 p.m.

    I remember the old days... They were full of crap! :D joking, but good article GR!!
  • CuddlyBomber - October 27, 2008 10:14 p.m.

    Oh ya and four pages! OH NOES!!!!! Now thats scary!
  • CuddlyBomber - October 27, 2008 10:13 p.m.

    Ohman have you guys ever come a long way from your early days. Stay funny G-Radar.
  • zeldagirl64 - November 22, 2008 4:52 p.m.

    *starts to laugh* RE-DEADS. Re deads are scarier than numb bodies. XD (The ones from Zelda, yknow? Yeah. Those dead humpers.) Fear being a teenage GUY with zomie babies up juu butt. *rofl*
  • CashWheel - November 2, 2008 4:03 p.m.

    You should've added the section in BioShock where you put on a Big Daddy costume - it's hard to be afraid when you're dressed in armor and the enemies won't even touch you.
  • ShadowGHX - October 31, 2008 8:57 p.m.

    This article rocks.
  • NelosAngelos - October 30, 2008 9:47 p.m.

    If something like the Numb Bodies started walking (waddling?) up to me, shit that would be scary. I hate that crying whining sound they make. But when you look at it, they aren't too bad. They are about half your size, no mouth full of razor sharp teeth, no arms or even hands to strangle you or hit you, it's just the fact that at first you don't know what the hell they might do to you if you let them get close.

Showing 1-20 of 39 comments

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