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The Top 7... Lamest party games

3) MONOPOLY PARTY

How you know it’s a “party”: Four young, multicultural adults? Crammed into one tiny television? And the black guy’s upside down?!? That mustachioed old millionaire truly throws a proper wingding.

As if that weren’t enough, check out the loading screen. Bumpin’!


The lame reality: Regular Monopoly is dull... an ancient relic you store at the back of your closet and, when searching for entertainment, pull out as a last reluctant resort. Given the choice between it and the atrocious Monopoly Party, however, we’d go for the dust-covered board game a million times over. Compare!

In Monopoly, you can clearly read the board. In Monopoly Party, you can stare at the digitized splotch on your screen and then patiently wait for pop-up boxes to tell you what the board says. In Monopoly, friends and family converse as they happily take turns rolling dice and buying property. In Monopoly Party, everyone rushes forward simultaneously, jostling to snap up real estate, bidding frantically on random auctions and hopelessly attempting to keep up with all the text and graphics that are flying across the television. In Monopoly, the mascot is nothing but a silent logo staring up at you from the cardboard. In Monopoly Party, he’s an animated little bully, hounding you to move faster and drilling into your brain with his mantra-like catchphrase, “That was a ding dong battle!”

We could go on. We won’t.

Worst excuse for a minigame: A theme, in this case. Prehistoric mode transforms the original’s classy silver pieces into lumbering, hunched over cavemen and cavewomen. As if the game wasn’t hideous enough already.

60 seconds to ensure you’ll never ever play:

 


2) THE GUY GAME

How you know it’s a “party”: Oh no he didn’t! Comedian and host Matt Sadler is so outrageous and so out-of-control, he has to censor himself on the box cover. What hilarious frat boy humor is that google-eyed smirk holding back? Load the game to find out!

The lame reality: Look, we understand the need to see naked lady parts now and again, but really, there are so many easier – and far less painful – ways to do so. In fact, if you’re reading this on the internet, you’ve already discovered one of them!

The Guy Game, meanwhile, is best left to extreme sadomasochists, or dumb and desperate teenagers. Yeah, with enough wasted time, you’ll encounter plenty of attractive women. Yeah, with enough wasted effort, you’ll unlock plenty of uncensored nudity. At what cost, though… at what cost? To reach the so-called “adult” portions of the game, you’ll be forced to endure a humiliating degree of juvenility.

Like a pair of jackass commentators, who chuckle and chortle at their own humor-free jokes (“She’s studying to be a nurse and I, for one, would like her to examine me thoroughly!”) Like an audience of cavemen college dudes, who celebrate stupidity by hooting, hollering and high-fiving each other every time a girl chooses the wrong answer. Like a progress meter that is so crude, we feel ashamed even retyping its descriptions (“Soft and Squishy” is a sample).

We’d also complain about the aging and untalented host, who appears 20 years older and 200% less enthusiastic than he did on the front of the box. By the end of our experience with The Guy Game, however, we empathized.

Worst excuse for a minigame: Guessing which of the poor, drunk girls that was tricked into participating in this chauvinistic nonsense was, at the time, a legally underage 17 year-old. If you figure it out, congratulations – you’re a creep!

60 seconds to ensure you’ll never ever play:

 

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72 comments

  • Jacob816 - October 12, 2009 3:12 p.m.

    None of these are as bad as my new party game, Tween Super Excitement Jam: Ultra Party Mega Box of Family Fun: Xpress Edition.
  • AaronTheGamingGeek - October 12, 2009 3:12 p.m.

    the wii just got owned. Fisrt.
  • CheeseFiend - October 12, 2009 3:15 p.m.

    Dear god, this is bad. At least the guy game had boobies. Apart from that then 17 year-old
  • CheeseFiend - October 12, 2009 3:17 p.m.

    Dear god, this is bad. At least The Guy Game had boobies. Apart from that then 17 year-old
  • CheeseFiend - October 12, 2009 3:18 p.m.

    Sorry I put that comment twice. Fail13 tull
  • Xplosive59 - October 12, 2009 3:26 p.m.

    how come most of these happened in the ps2 era
  • silvereye - October 12, 2009 3:47 p.m.

    I loved the monopoly party game, and I know it is the law that a 17 year old getting naked is technically child pornography but its not like she was 5 or something, and I think she did end up sueing the company for the game anyway. Im probably wrong, just my opinion.
  • WayByWind - October 12, 2009 3:47 p.m.

    ads before almost every video, but brilliant article nonetheless
  • CombatCat120 - October 12, 2009 3:55 p.m.

    the industry was full of licensed shit like this back then. the party genre has significantly dropped in numbers to only 2 consoles instead of all of them: the Wii n DS. Those were some dark days indeed.....
  • CatrParrot - October 12, 2009 4:31 p.m.

    The second I read the headline, I knew Game Party would be at the top of this list. Prediction: Game Party 3 will sell at least half a million copies in it's first week.
  • axis56 - October 12, 2009 4:46 p.m.

    completely agreed. theres only approximately ten titles that justify the wii ownership.
  • FlyinMX - October 12, 2009 5:10 p.m.

    'Warning: These are so annoying, so pointless and so unplayable that the maraca-shaking asshole couldn’t even make the cut." You mean me?
  • AA95mp - October 12, 2009 5:42 p.m.

    the girls flashing it in the guy game must be pretty desparate to get famous or just flash.
  • AA95mp - October 12, 2009 5:47 p.m.

    the amount of wii party games are scary and there's more!
  • DirkSteele1 - October 12, 2009 6:14 p.m.

    While reading pages 1 through 3, I was sitting there slightly puzzled as to the where abouts of a Wii game, only to break out in laughter on page 4. Great article.
  • Cyberninja - October 12, 2009 6:35 p.m.

    ill defend the wii and i sadly was given 2 crap games with my system but since i dont play party games i am safe and i just think all the gems are worth the system
  • Romination - October 12, 2009 6:36 p.m.

    i'm right there with dirksteele. i was highly confused and then saw that and it all made sense suddenly...
  • haford - October 12, 2009 6:37 p.m.

    I'm so ashamed to say it, but.... i have the monopoly game, :/ it is quite possibly the worst game ever.....
  • Corsair89 - October 12, 2009 7:11 p.m.

    *vomits*
  • mastersword369 - October 12, 2009 7:28 p.m.

    I kept my Wii when I bought my Xbox 360. Just wait for Galaxy 2 and the next Zelda game, nintendo fans.

Showing 1-20 of 72 comments

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