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The Top 7... Lamest party games

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3) MONOPOLY PARTY

How you know it’s a “party”: Four young, multicultural adults? Crammed into one tiny television? And the black guy’s upside down?!? That mustachioed old millionaire truly throws a proper wingding.

As if that weren’t enough, check out the loading screen. Bumpin’!


The lame reality: Regular Monopoly is dull... an ancient relic you store at the back of your closet and, when searching for entertainment, pull out as a last reluctant resort. Given the choice between it and the atrocious Monopoly Party, however, we’d go for the dust-covered board game a million times over. Compare!

In Monopoly, you can clearly read the board. In Monopoly Party, you can stare at the digitized splotch on your screen and then patiently wait for pop-up boxes to tell you what the board says. In Monopoly, friends and family converse as they happily take turns rolling dice and buying property. In Monopoly Party, everyone rushes forward simultaneously, jostling to snap up real estate, bidding frantically on random auctions and hopelessly attempting to keep up with all the text and graphics that are flying across the television. In Monopoly, the mascot is nothing but a silent logo staring up at you from the cardboard. In Monopoly Party, he’s an animated little bully, hounding you to move faster and drilling into your brain with his mantra-like catchphrase, “That was a ding dong battle!”

We could go on. We won’t.

Worst excuse for a minigame: A theme, in this case. Prehistoric mode transforms the original’s classy silver pieces into lumbering, hunched over cavemen and cavewomen. As if the game wasn’t hideous enough already.

60 seconds to ensure you’ll never ever play:

 


2) THE GUY GAME

How you know it’s a “party”: Oh no he didn’t! Comedian and host Matt Sadler is so outrageous and so out-of-control, he has to censor himself on the box cover. What hilarious frat boy humor is that google-eyed smirk holding back? Load the game to find out!

The lame reality: Look, we understand the need to see naked lady parts now and again, but really, there are so many easier – and far less painful – ways to do so. In fact, if you’re reading this on the internet, you’ve already discovered one of them!

The Guy Game, meanwhile, is best left to extreme sadomasochists, or dumb and desperate teenagers. Yeah, with enough wasted time, you’ll encounter plenty of attractive women. Yeah, with enough wasted effort, you’ll unlock plenty of uncensored nudity. At what cost, though… at what cost? To reach the so-called “adult” portions of the game, you’ll be forced to endure a humiliating degree of juvenility.

Like a pair of jackass commentators, who chuckle and chortle at their own humor-free jokes (“She’s studying to be a nurse and I, for one, would like her to examine me thoroughly!”) Like an audience of cavemen college dudes, who celebrate stupidity by hooting, hollering and high-fiving each other every time a girl chooses the wrong answer. Like a progress meter that is so crude, we feel ashamed even retyping its descriptions (“Soft and Squishy” is a sample).

We’d also complain about the aging and untalented host, who appears 20 years older and 200% less enthusiastic than he did on the front of the box. By the end of our experience with The Guy Game, however, we empathized.

Worst excuse for a minigame: Guessing which of the poor, drunk girls that was tricked into participating in this chauvinistic nonsense was, at the time, a legally underage 17 year-old. If you figure it out, congratulations – you’re a creep!

60 seconds to ensure you’ll never ever play:

 

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