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4. Prinnies (Disgaea)
PS2 | 2003
Man oh man, how we love the Prinnies. How can you not love slang-talkin' demonic penguins? But if you think about it, they're terrible soldiers in both idea and execution.
First, they're incredibly stupid. Their sexy demoness ruler, Etna, pretty much has to hold their hand every step of the way while they yell "dood!" repeatedly. Second, they EXPLODE if handled too rough. What's advantageous about an army of easily detonated soldiers? Finally, they get around on stiff, unbending peg legs. So they're walking bombs that have no knees? Now you're just being silly.
3. The Tekken farm (Tekken series)
Multi | 1994
What began as a joke has exploded into an entire stable of brawling animals. It all started with Kuma, a bear trained to fight so well it could hold its own against the most powerful characters in the Tekken universe. Bears are the biggest threat to America, however, so it's believable enough to see one kicking ass in a structured, calculated manner. Maybe.
But then Tekken 2 brought us Alex and Roger - a dinosaur and kangaroo, respectively. Both are bred to fight and brandish boxing gloves. So, what, you unearth a fossil, bring dinosaurs back to life and expect them to behave? Didn't the Tekken scientists see Jurassic Park? Alex is going to bite someone's head off in the first round and that's that.
Then came Panda, an alternate version of Kuma. So now they're expecting pandas to trade blows with androids, assassins and demon-possessed CEOs? Right. A real panda would sit down, munch on some food and then maybe sneeze. We're not even sure if it's possible to train a panda to fetch, let alone perform 10-hit combos.
Not content to have just one dinosaur in the game, Namco licensed manga star Gon as a playable character in Tekken 3. He's a foot tall, has puny arms and can't speak. Sounds like a winning mix of traits for a street fighter.
We get it, these animals are meant to be fun and are bonus content, but that doesn't make them any more fit for the ring. One good punch to the gut and they'd run off in search of easier prey - classical conditioning or no.
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