The Top 7... games we want announced at E3 2009

3) Half-Life 3

You’ve read about the TF2 leak at Valve, right? Well, in our experience, they run a pretty tight ship. The following scene occurred during a recent trip to Valve’s Bellevue, Washington studio:

Valve Staffer #1: I can only play one more, I have a meeting at 2:30.
Valve Staffer #2: Orly? Left 4 Dead stuff, or (pregnant pause, meaningful glance) other stuff?
[Awkward silence, all eyes swivel in unison toward the visiting game journo.]
Valve Staffer #1: Other stuff.
GamesRadar: What? Don’t pay me any mind. Please, discuss freely!
Valve Staffer #3: This conversation is over.
GamesRadar: If you tell me something in confidence, I won’t say a word to anyone. Promise.
Valve Staffer #1: Start the round or I’ll be late.
GamesRadar: Or we could do a big exclusive blowout on GamesRadar, or—
Valve Staffer #2: You better grab your medpack, I just alerted the horde!
GamesRadar: Oh, shit!

Obviously, Valve is a company with a lot going on. And while the above-mentioned “other stuff” could mean anything from Steam updates to TF2 patches, we prefer to dream big. Could they have been discussing Half-Life 2: Episode 3, the final chapter in HL2’s story arc? Dream bigger? OK, how about HALF-LIFE MOTHERF***ING 3?! That’s right, a proper full-sized sequel with Portal guns and extreme physics puzzles and time travel and whatever other inspired madness the alchemists at Valve concoct.

Above: Our sophomoric attempt at inspired madness. We’re certain Valve can do better

When Half-Life 2 arrived back in 2004, it rewrote the book on videogame physics. With that kind of pedigree to live up to, Half-Life 3’s potential for awesomeness is huge. Of course, developing Half-Life 2 was a 5-year grind that would have broken the spirit of lesser men and women. If Valve had launched straight away into 3, and it took the same amount of time as 2, it would be just about ready to show at E3 this year.

We know, we know: they’ve been busy with episodic content and a couple little projects like Portal, Team Fortress 2 and Left 4 Dead. But somewhere deep in the bowels of a Bellevue skyscraper, a shadow team of code ninjas may yet be stealthily preparing to drop a game-changing bomb on the industry by announcing Half-Life 3 at E3 ‘09.

2) Kingdom Hearts III

Since Square doesn’t seem to have a problem announcing games like Final Fantasy XIII when they’re still four years away, surely they can throw out a tiny morsel of Kingdom Hearts at this E3. Yeah, we’ll be buying both handheld editions the millisecond they come out, but we’d gladly take a mallet to every DS and PSP in our office for a chance to invest 60+ hours in a full blown, 1080p Squisney undertaking.

Above: Apparently, this isn’t Kingdom Hearts III. Unless it is?

As a courtesy, we’ve listed what we see as two primary obstacles to an official Kingdom Hearts III announcement. Below that, we offer our sage-like solutions.

Kingdom Hearts III: Dilemmas?

1. The story is too ridiculously convoluted. No developer dares tackle a plot in which the merging of two drastically different universes is somehow the least absurdly complicated problem with the narrative.

2. Disney loves money. And it’s very protective of its popular stable of characters.

Above: Imagine if Sora could battle Christian Bale and his gang of fops from Disney’s Newsies

Kingdom Hearts III: Solutions!

1. The plot of Kingdom Hearts II exceeded stupidity and entered the realm of irrelevance. So what? Gamers are perfectly fine with any inexplicable story device as long as it introduces them to their favorite characters and allows them to fight in beloved environments. Which bring us to our next section…

2. Nobody wants to go back to Tarzan’s jungle. 100 Acre Poohville is both pace-shattering and exhausted. The last entry’s Little Mermaid portions were an abomination, and no one gives a shit about Chicken Little or Mulan. We think it’s high time to bring in the sexy, sexy stars of Classic Disney B-Squad!

Above: Go ahead. Try to name all the characters in the comments section. We dare you…

Factoring in Disney’s live-action affairs, you’ve got – almost literally – billions of second string characters that would cost a fraction to license. For the price of a single Mickey you could get a Brer Rabbit, two Rescuers, several Fred MacMurrays and The Great Mouse Detective. In that kind of abundance, something’s bound to resonate with Western audiences… and judging by Tokyo Disneyland’s ride retention, the only things the Japanese love more than Final Fantasy characters are old ass Disney.

By the way, the only acceptable rhythmic dance sequences in Kingdom Hearts III are ones composed by the recently acquired Electric Mayhem.


Top 7

We Recommend By ZergNet


  • vivalafrance - May 25, 2009 4:15 p.m.

    ugh i dont want 3-d tech games 3-d movies give me a headache
  • AntistaIsTheLight - May 25, 2009 4:15 p.m.

    HA HA FIRST. I think that Rockstar should make a next GTA. But please, take your time. Dont be like Guitar Hero or Tony Hawk.
  • AntistaIsTheLight - May 25, 2009 4:16 p.m.

    Beat me to first vivalafrance
  • VyseTheTetrisdork - May 25, 2009 4:17 p.m.

    Gizmoduck FTW! If Disney and Capcom can't get together, Disney should at least allow the Ducktales characters be in KH3.
  • b8z - May 25, 2009 4:38 p.m.

    if gta 5 means another game as boring as 4 was then id rather just have the series end, it may have been detailed and more releastic but taking out all the fun makes it all pointless.
  • walrusthewill - May 25, 2009 4:42 p.m.

    I think both hollywood and the gaming industry are suffering from writers block right now. Original ideas are few and far between, and dont get nearly as much attention as corporate financed sequals. I dont want to see more and more sequals or remakes, I want new fresh ideas with the same type of funding as COD5 o GOW2, but thats just my opinion.
  • Moosebomber - May 25, 2009 5:10 p.m.

    I thought GTA 4 wasn't a fraction as good as San Andreas. Maybe if you were playing with friends and some really funny stuff would happen, it could come close. The most exciting thing you do in GTA 4 mission wise is rob a bank. In San Andreas, its hard to find the most exciting, there are a lot of great ones. Like breaking into Area 51, getting onto a plane packed with bombs and parachute out as it explodes, a casino heist and more. plus, we had airplanes, which were better than the helicopters. in fact, at Francis airport in GTA 4, they have shamals, planes from San Andreas, parked, but you cant drive them, plus they took away parachutes, which was tremendous fun. while i love GTA 4's city and the attention to detail, they created a wonderful city. But the whole state that was San Andreas was far more interesting even without the detail, plus it seems they lost some of their humor in the process. San Andreas was packed with humor in their characters, which i though were better than the ones in 4, even though they weren't as deep, were more interesting, Where GTA 4 has mob bosses with little to none personality, San Andreas as a blind triad boss (who is one of the best characters ever), a hippie obsessed with conspiracies, and a musician who cant stop "giving himself a little." but back to my point on the humor of the game, one humorous moment was when you and the triad boss, the blind one, are playing blackjack and he loses by drawing too many cards (if i remember correctly, he had 76 points) and when carl tells him he loses, the boss says "Carl, you are bad luck, when i play with the other guys, i always win. Its funny because he is the boss, of course he will win. Plus GTA was missing all the activities that you can do. i mean, sure its not realistic to steal a taxi cab and go play crazy taxi, or start saving lives by stealing an ambulance, but its fun. well the ambulance ones aren't but you get my point. And lastly, it doesnt have the rhino. what seems like a minor complaint, it has been a bit of a tradition for Grand Theft Auto. Even chinatown wars had one. So i close my debate with this statement, if your going to make another Grand theft auto game,rockstar,make it fun again.
  • Awesomeitude1523 - May 25, 2009 5:20 p.m.

    SLY COOPER!! FINA-FUCKIN-LLY SOMEBODY MENTIONS IT!! I've beaten and played the crap out of all the other sly games, and FINALLY some video game site has the brain to mention it! Hats off to you Gamesradar, hats off indeed. Also, NEW GTA FTW! recaptcha: Rugburn Hero (Why thank you)
  • yoreAtowel - May 25, 2009 5:36 p.m.

    I seen The baby and Earl form that kick ass 90s show, DInosaurs. I have fond memories from the babys antics and grandma dinos bitching.
  • ssj4raditz - May 25, 2009 5:36 p.m.

    Totally down with a new Sly and KH.
  • asdfer - May 25, 2009 5:58 p.m.

    Wtf Playing as bently was kick ass! He could knock out people and blow their brains out! He could use more gadgets though and Murry should be given more abilities as well. I'd want them to make it so you could play as Panda king or Guro without starting a mission.
  • riodoku79 - May 25, 2009 6:01 p.m.

    I have a sickening feeling that Kingdom Hearts III won't ever happen. I mean Disney owns the rights to a lot of the characters and I have a feeling that they want their "artists" (Jonas brothers, Hannah Montana, High School Musical actors) in the game over traditional characters like Mickey, Donald, and Goofy. Which is something that I hope Square Enix will NEVER agree to.
  • realybored666 - May 25, 2009 6:08 p.m.

    SLY COOPER PS3 FTW!!!!! lets see it happen sony!
  • FlyinMX - May 25, 2009 6:08 p.m.

    I hope Pikmin 3 makes an appearance. I don't think they made that official yet. In the end, I just hope nintendo doesn't disappoint this year.
  • scbyfn4evr - May 25, 2009 6:13 p.m.

    FUCK. YES. Bring on KH3 with The Rescuers, Robin Hood, Who Framed Roger Rabbit..... Square, listen up. Enix....gsplit from the company. Please.
  • thor231 - May 25, 2009 7:14 p.m.

    Metroid: Dread anyone?
  • Tasty_Pasta - May 25, 2009 7:56 p.m.

    Dude, I owned the original Rainbow Six on PC, PS1, and Gameboy Color. That game was the bomb. And I don't know if I want another GTA announced, because you know they aren't gonna give us any useful information on it, just some trailer that doesn't give you any cool aspect of what it's gonna be like. And I think R* will wait until after RDR is released before announcing a new GTA.
  • Fizzmonkey - May 25, 2009 9:24 p.m.

    KINGDOM HEARTS 3 is my most wanted game,without stupid stuff like the little mermaid.
  • JizzyB - May 25, 2009 9:32 p.m.

    no way is half-life 3 going to be announced when episode 3 hasn't
  • StupidTownColonStupidStateColon - May 25, 2009 9:41 p.m.

    heh, the Godfather II shot that was modified was hilarious. Sly cooper is a must for sucker punch, after InFamous. Great article as always.

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