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The Top 7... games to hate because they make you feel like an awkward, self-conscious dick

You know that sinking feeling you get when someone notices you deliberately hanging back from the 'fun', desperately trying not to be noticed? "Come on. Have a go. It's just a laugh." That's what they say. You want none of it, but peer pressure doesn't take no for an answer. You reluctantly step up.
 
It's a nightmare. You feel completely awkward, self-conscious, not-comfortable-in-your-own-skin and like there's a big, flashing 'socially incompatible' sign over your head. Humiliated, your already brittle self-esteem shattered like the bones of an old lady left out in the sun too long, you shuffle off and away towards the darkest corner of the room.

These are the Top 7... games we hate because they make us feel like awkward, self-conscious dicks when we're playing them. Screw these games. Assholes.


7. Tony Hawk: Ride | 360, PS3, Wii

Admittedly the odds of anyone playing this are incredibly slim. Because hardly anybody bought it. Because it was a load of overpriced balls with a stupid peripheral that everyone hated.

Sure, those gifted with the ability of being able to skate on an actual skateboard with actual wheels could confidently manipulate the plastic slab with their feet fairly effectively. They could make the front end go up and then back down again. They could slide it around on the carpet. They could even make the act of pretending to go faster look not as completely stupid as it was.


Above: Even the official lifestyle shots feature a dude laughing at the dude on the board because he totally looks like a dick
 
But for the skating disabled amongst the gaming community, it was an exercise in demonstrating why we never pursued the sport of self-propulsion on a plank of wheeled-wood in the real world. Because - wheels or not - we have shit balance and do not possess the coordination required to do anything more challenging than opening a beer.


Above: Turns out that the official lifestyle shots were surprisingly accurate
 
Also, we just never look right on a skateboard. All stiff and uncomfortable. Arms by our side. Less flexible than the overdosed corpse of a Botox junkie. We used to like Tony Hawk games because we were better at them than our skater friends. That was a good arrangement. But on the board? We just feel like complete dicks completely conscious of how much like dicks we look.


6. Wii Music | Wii

Nintendo was kind enough to give us plenty of advance warning that engaging with Wii Music was a guaranteed fast track to looking like an embarrassment to ourselves.

In what was one of the most uncomfortable things we'd cast our eyes upon at E3 since the painful giant enemy crab incident of 2006, the on-stage Wii Music demonstration was as embarrassing as watching our dad turn up at a house-warming party, get smashed on booze and dance like he was flying on 60's strength LSD sugar lumps. And then rest his penis on Alison Stewart's shoulder. Who we really fancied. It's *that* embarrassing:


It's excruciatingly special needs. Even Miyamoto looks uncomfortable. As the following chart demonstrates, there are a variety of ways that you could play Wii Music. Although no matter how you play the result is always exactly the same.


 
Conclusion? If you really need to ask then you probably already own Wii Music.

Topics

Top 7

43 comments

  • LeePnC86 - May 30, 2011 9:24 p.m.

    This is the funniest article I have ever read - I don't think I've laughed so hard in my life. Thank you!! Hahahaha!
  • stephenmessina - May 25, 2011 12:43 p.m.

    I'm Sorry but Kinect adventures, although not flattering to look at is really fun.!
  • marioman50 - May 25, 2011 4:23 a.m.

    lol, I'm one of the guys who knows how to play DDR.
  • philipshaw - May 24, 2011 2:10 p.m.

    I love how most of the games in this article are shit games that I would never play
  • ScrEAMaPiLLar - May 24, 2011 1:07 p.m.

    There is one other fear of the kinect. It is featured in all the games. I hate seeing pictures of myself displayed for all to see. Even non stupid ones. Not many people have this phobia, but it is so disorienting and weird feeling seeing yourself. Tis just me though. What do you guys think?
  • erikslev - May 24, 2011 1:02 p.m.

    That last video was probably one of the funniest things I've ever seen. That family looks ri-dick-ulous.
  • quincytheodore - May 24, 2011 8:12 a.m.

    Gamesradar at its best... Throwing tantrum...
  • MasterChef - May 24, 2011 4:24 a.m.

    Hey You Pikachu should definitely be on here. lol
  • Robusken - May 24, 2011 3:28 a.m.

    Well your right about DDR. I sucked sooo bad the first time I played infront of my friends. It's a game I would play, but only at home while no one else is looking.
  • DeadlyViper95 - May 24, 2011 2:54 a.m.

    i felt like a dick when i played guitar hero and rockband...
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - May 24, 2011 12:15 a.m.

    My sister actually bought me Tony Hawk Ride for Christmas, and it's probaly one of the worst presents I've ever got.
  • SadFace - May 23, 2011 9:59 p.m.

    Man...that DDR kid can't even reach both sides of the dance pad without almost falling over. Man I suck. Also, I'm embarrassed just watching those Kinect guys.
  • FierceDeity - May 23, 2011 9:43 p.m.

    oh god i forgot how bad that e3 performance was. the thought of pikmin 3 got me through it... and it wasn't even announced, till ages after. and as amazing as it is, djhero makes you look such a dick, and the dancing minigame in warioware smooth moves. oh and donkey konga
  • redman21298 - May 23, 2011 9:16 p.m.

    One time I decided to play DDR at an arcade. One of the people who works there now believes that I'm mentally challenged.
  • MinxRiot - May 23, 2011 8:23 p.m.

    That video of singstar you have reminds me why i will not touch that game with a ten foot pole. xD
  • Y2Ken - May 23, 2011 7:15 p.m.

    Looking like a complete idiot might be the future of modern video games. But hopefully it's a future we can avoid if we heed the warnings now.
  • Boochers823 - May 23, 2011 7:13 p.m.

    You have put into words what I felt the last time I played DDR.
  • lovinmyps3 - May 23, 2011 7:13 p.m.

    *facepalm*
  • snipes101 - May 23, 2011 6:15 p.m.

    This article literally had me rolling. "How to be a dick at 100 miles an hour" coupled with your absolutely genius math equation did it for me.
  • MikeT - May 23, 2011 5:34 p.m.

    hahaha that was funny, especially the Nintendogs thing. I've never played, seriously! but that part of the article was really funny, right? there's a train and a guy yelling "Mr Scruffy!!!!" hahaa

Showing 1-20 of 43 comments

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