You know that sinking feeling you get when someone notices you deliberately hanging back from the 'fun', desperately trying not to be noticed? "Come on. Have a go. It's just a laugh." That's what they say. You want none of it, but peer pressure doesn't take no for an answer. You reluctantly step up.
It's a nightmare. You feel completely awkward, self-conscious, not-comfortable-in-your-own-skin and like there's a big, flashing 'socially incompatible' sign over your head. Humiliated, your already brittle self-esteem shattered like the bones of an old lady left out in the sun too long, you shuffle off and away towards the darkest corner of the room.
These are the Top 7... games we hate because they make us feel like awkward, self-conscious dicks when we're playing them. Screw these games. Assholes.
7. Tony Hawk: Ride | 360, PS3, Wii
Admittedly the odds of anyone playing this are incredibly slim. Because hardly anybody bought it. Because it was a load of overpriced balls with a stupid peripheral that everyone hated.
Sure, those gifted with the ability of being able to skate on an actual skateboard with actual wheels could confidently manipulate the plastic slab with their feet fairly effectively. They could make the front end go up and then back down again. They could slide it around on the carpet. They could even make the act of pretending to go faster look not as completely stupid as it was.
Above: Even the official lifestyle shots feature a dude laughing at the dude on the board because he totally looks like a dick
But for the skating disabled amongst the gaming community, it was an exercise in demonstrating why we never pursued the sport of self-propulsion on a plank of wheeled-wood in the real world. Because - wheels or not - we have shit balance and do not possess the coordination required to do anything more challenging than opening a beer.
Above: Turns out that the official lifestyle shots were surprisingly accurate
Also, we just never look right on a skateboard. All stiff and uncomfortable. Arms by our side. Less flexible than the overdosed corpse of a Botox junkie. We used to like Tony Hawk games because we were better at them than our skater friends. That was a good arrangement. But on the board? We just feel like complete dicks completely conscious of how much like dicks we look.
6. Wii Music | Wii
Nintendo was kind enough to give us plenty of advance warning that engaging with Wii Music was a guaranteed fast track to looking like an embarrassment to ourselves.
In what was one of the most uncomfortable things we'd cast our eyes upon at E3 since the painful giant enemy crab incident of 2006, the on-stage Wii Music demonstration was as embarrassing as watching our dad turn up at a house-warming party, get smashed on booze and dance like he was flying on 60's strength LSD sugar lumps. And then rest his penis on Alison Stewart's shoulder. Who we really fancied. It's *that* embarrassing:
It's excruciatingly special needs. Even Miyamoto looks uncomfortable. As the following chart demonstrates, there are a variety of ways that you could play Wii Music. Although no matter how you play the result is always exactly the same.
Conclusion? If you really need to ask then you probably already own Wii Music.
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