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The Top 7... games so bad they had to add breasts

6 - Outlaw sports - Multiplatform

What do you do when you've got a decent idea for a sports series but there's no way in hell people are going to buy it over EA or Nintendo's offerings? Add girl after slutty, stereotypical girl. The first game in the series, Outlaw Golf, was a surprisingly fun and featured title that also happened to have gallons of potty humor and lap dances on the putting green. After a few tours through the course, however, the high-school-level jokes begin to wear thin and suddenly girls hitting other girls with golf clubs isn't as hot as it once was.

As the series crept into volleyball and tennis courts it continued the ultra-generic humor but decided not to elevate the gaming experience in any way. The first time, fine, we'll let you slip away with a so-so game and a few low brow chuckles. By the second or third try (fourth if you count Volleyball Remixed) there needs to be something else. Native American chicks sucker-punching smartass UK punks isn't going to sell anyone - but half-naked Native American chicks doing anything at all will at least make us do a double take. If the franchise had relied less on its cookie-cutter "offensive" material it might still be around today.



Above: If they weren't here, you wouldn't be either

5 - Ar tonelico - PS2

Right? If you played it, you know. At first it seems like a normal anime RPG. Cute girls, a fun-n-furious battle system, some catchy tunes, all the typical bases are covered. But after a few hours, gal pals Aurica and Misha invite you to explore their nether regions by way of Matrix-style jacking in. Turns out they've got feelings and emotional baggage and all that and you're the only guy in the whole world that understands their pain. What a lucky, lucky man you are.

As Reyva Teils, the two girls have ports on their body that you have to, um, "enter." And if you thought that explanation was awkward, try reading some of the thinly veiled dialogue. Aurica's never done this before, so she's afraid it'll hurt when you put it in ("it" being a stat-enhancing Grathnode Crystal) and needs you to be gentle on her first time. Misha, on the other hand, is all prepped and ready to go. Dive in all you want. Look around. Make yourself comfortable.

The underlying idea at work in tonelico is called moe (mo-eh), where fans will intensely identify with a female character due to her saccharine cuteness or naïve outlook on life. It's usually not a sexual attraction, but c'mon, look at those girls. They've got sex written all over their faces and the developers know it. Anime and RPG fans are generally gonna dig any cute heroine they see in a game, but allowing them to metaphorically bang two girls back to back, over and over again is the sweetest icing on the biggest cake ever imagined. Doesn't hurt that it's a solid RPG too - just not one that's overly different from the Atelier Iris games. Good thing there's some lovin' to keep things interesting.

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15 comments

  • kangaroocory - December 21, 2010 12:42 a.m.

    @Corsair89 Lawlz "Yes! YES!" *Friend walks in* "Oh. I thought you were watching porn. Never mind." *Friend leaves" "Feel it on your body!" Friend- "What the hell man??!!
  • Flashinthepan - December 20, 2010 10:54 p.m.

    @LKabongUno I liked Battle Arena Toshinden. Was fun to play when I was younger, and I haven't thought about it in years. Thank you.
  • LKabongUno - August 11, 2010 3:05 p.m.

    Normally, I ignore cries of sexism in video games as pure and total pandering PC BS. However every once in a while, the broken clock tess the right time, and so it is for Rumble Roses XX. Rumble Roses was a good first effort, but it had it's flaws. XX is a textbook example of what you DON'T do in a sequel: remove the story, add mechanics that don't work, skip the beta test, add in a bunch of halfass features that hinder the gameplay, and generally take a lackluster attitude in correcting the flaws of the first game. In a phrase, playing this game is a chore, literally. Title accquisition is cryptic and random, with arcane and unnamed requirements needing to be fulfilled in order to qualify to get title bouts, and no gauge or meter or checklist or anything of the sort telling you how long you have until the next title shot. The save system is garbage, and it takes longer to save in XX than in comparable titles for the X360. Character selection sucks as well: you have to "sign into" characters and their tag partners. VF5 Online does this way better, with having the option to sign into character data on the select screen with the characters themselves, and it doesn't take 2 minutes to do so either. The body mod options are meaningless, as there's no real straightforward way to tell what mod affects what character in what way, and with all the other broke garbage in this game, you'll have quit playing long before you've put enough trial and error into it to find out. Animations really aren't that great: characters in Battle Arena Toshinden move and strike with more believability than anyone in Rumble Roses XX. Watching people "hit" other people with the guitar in this game is painful, and not because of the force of impact. Play mechanics in general aren't that great: many wrestlers are overpowered, have infinites without bug fixes, and even with bug fixes, you have people who shouldn't be in the ring with other people, getting 2-3 hit knockouts. Ring system is ill designed: nothing keeping people from running out of the ring and taunting to build up super meter/extending the match indefinitely. You can taunt yourself, but then this just gets into a taunt battle that no one can win, no real way to keep people out of the ring (you'll be grabbed out of the ring if you stand too close) or punish them on ring reentry unless you have one of those S Class characters I just mentioned. Then you have the piss poor ass Street Fight mode, in which the mechanics get shoehorned into a 2d environment. This really sucks because the characters weren't really designed for this, nor were their supers (many supers come out as powerful kicks in this mode), meaning that if you relied on certain characters' supers to win matches, playing them here is a waste. The tutorial tries to cover this up by saying that supers should be used to end juggles. Only problem is, some people's supers actually do work as they are supposed to in the mode. It's clear that SF mode is something they just shoehorned in at the last second. Even though this is half a page long, this is just the Cliff's Notes version of the screwed up stuff in this game. It would take a book to fully detail the fubaredness of this game, and this is one example of a game where, if there were no sex in it, there wouldn't be anything.
  • theschwartzb - August 10, 2010 9:17 p.m.

    You either skipped, or took out a few.
  • marklem18 - April 8, 2010 6:44 a.m.

    wew.. hoolalala.......
  • B2KSTR8RIPPIN - November 7, 2009 2:05 p.m.

    yer i have dead or alive! and do you no what the first thing i notised about the game was?.. go ahead.. guess!
  • Signofthezodiac - November 15, 2008 12:40 a.m.

    hmmm...
  • sean_raider - September 27, 2008 8:57 a.m.

    all rigth
  • NEOGILLZ - September 22, 2008 10:57 p.m.

    I am so getting Dead Or Alive now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • KillerPotato - June 4, 2009 6:08 p.m.

    nice
  • Corsair89 - March 8, 2009 7:39 a.m.

    I like Ar Tonelico and Ar Tonelico II. They are really good games. But, yeah, there is sexual innuendo EVERYWHERE! I AT2, the only way to level up the reyvateils is to make them bathe with each other. And in order to get the reyvateils to dive into each others minds, you need to get them to sleep with each other. Yeah. They may be fully clothed and not actually doing anything to each other, but it's one half-step away... Oh, listen to the things you're reyvateils shout out in battle: "Feel it on your body!" "It feels good now!" "Yes! YES!" If someone walks in on you playing this game, they will probably think your watching porn. But once you get past, or at least get used to, all the awkward sexual innuendos, they're both decent and unique JRPGs. Ar Tonelico II is better than Ar Tonelico in almost every way. AT1 is barely above average, while AT2 is amazingly fun.
  • gutlessVADER - February 20, 2009 2:17 a.m.

    titular
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:46 a.m.

    dam u japan...
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:44 a.m.

    okay... Oneechanbra is trying to get the average male. but i will not buy it. ( he says with a boner).
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:42 a.m.

    yea... the average 13, horny, boy teen / lesbian market is gonna do will this year.

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