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The Top 7... games so bad they had to add breasts

An overwhelming majority of gamers are male, so it makes perfect sense for every marketing team in the world to target their software at young guys. And what do all men ages 18 to one zillion love? Girls, gore and big loud machines. If they could make a game about a firefighting bikini squad that hunts down zombies in a decked-out sex/fire truck, world peace would be declared. But until that day, we have to settle with regular old T & A.

Developers are well aware of this, so occasionally you'll see a game that blatantly slaps blonde-headed skin all over the cover and on every inch of the game itself. Maybe the game was garbage and everyone knew it so they tossed in gratuitous nudity, or perhaps it's an all right title that just needed a little extra "oomph" for retail splendor. At any rate, these are the games that rely more on a nice rack than offering something new, different or fun.

First, some ground rules. We're immediately tossing out stuff like Leisure Suit Larry because it's designed from the ground up to be a raunchy, risqué type of adventure with little actual gameplay. Second, the game doesn't have to be terrible, it just has to use the sex angle in a shameless, obvious, overt way. Now on to the ladies!



Above: Divas. Punks. Cowgirls. We degrade 'em all equally

7 - Rumble Roses XX - 360

Millions of men watch a handful of men wrestle handfuls of other men every week. So what happens if you take the time-tested idea of the WWE and make it a girl-on-girl thongageddon? Why, there would be rioting in the streets, that's what. But for whatever reason, the sexed up rasslin' in Rumble Roses failed to move men the way sweaty men make them move.

Not wanting to stay down, the girls suited up for another outing in XX, ramping up the graphics and panty shots to a whole new level. It doesn't matter what your fetish is, your dream girl is here and ready to rub her hands all over your second favorite naughty girl. Suggestive squirming not enough? Roses lets you humiliate the other girl by pretzeling her into an extremely suggestive, compromising position that'll pop the zits right off a lonely teenager's face.

Despite the over-the-top presentation and unabashed skin show, Roses also happens to be a fairly solid wrestling game. The beauties move a bit more naturally than the porous monoliths of SmackDown!, so it's just as much fun to grapple a scantily clad schoolgirl as it to watch. But even competent play mechanics can't hide how hard this game wants guys to take notice, so it makes the list. Without the stage show, no one would have even offered a second glance.

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15 comments

  • kangaroocory - December 21, 2010 12:42 a.m.

    @Corsair89 Lawlz "Yes! YES!" *Friend walks in* "Oh. I thought you were watching porn. Never mind." *Friend leaves" "Feel it on your body!" Friend- "What the hell man??!!
  • Flashinthepan - December 20, 2010 10:54 p.m.

    @LKabongUno I liked Battle Arena Toshinden. Was fun to play when I was younger, and I haven't thought about it in years. Thank you.
  • LKabongUno - August 11, 2010 3:05 p.m.

    Normally, I ignore cries of sexism in video games as pure and total pandering PC BS. However every once in a while, the broken clock tess the right time, and so it is for Rumble Roses XX. Rumble Roses was a good first effort, but it had it's flaws. XX is a textbook example of what you DON'T do in a sequel: remove the story, add mechanics that don't work, skip the beta test, add in a bunch of halfass features that hinder the gameplay, and generally take a lackluster attitude in correcting the flaws of the first game. In a phrase, playing this game is a chore, literally. Title accquisition is cryptic and random, with arcane and unnamed requirements needing to be fulfilled in order to qualify to get title bouts, and no gauge or meter or checklist or anything of the sort telling you how long you have until the next title shot. The save system is garbage, and it takes longer to save in XX than in comparable titles for the X360. Character selection sucks as well: you have to "sign into" characters and their tag partners. VF5 Online does this way better, with having the option to sign into character data on the select screen with the characters themselves, and it doesn't take 2 minutes to do so either. The body mod options are meaningless, as there's no real straightforward way to tell what mod affects what character in what way, and with all the other broke garbage in this game, you'll have quit playing long before you've put enough trial and error into it to find out. Animations really aren't that great: characters in Battle Arena Toshinden move and strike with more believability than anyone in Rumble Roses XX. Watching people "hit" other people with the guitar in this game is painful, and not because of the force of impact. Play mechanics in general aren't that great: many wrestlers are overpowered, have infinites without bug fixes, and even with bug fixes, you have people who shouldn't be in the ring with other people, getting 2-3 hit knockouts. Ring system is ill designed: nothing keeping people from running out of the ring and taunting to build up super meter/extending the match indefinitely. You can taunt yourself, but then this just gets into a taunt battle that no one can win, no real way to keep people out of the ring (you'll be grabbed out of the ring if you stand too close) or punish them on ring reentry unless you have one of those S Class characters I just mentioned. Then you have the piss poor ass Street Fight mode, in which the mechanics get shoehorned into a 2d environment. This really sucks because the characters weren't really designed for this, nor were their supers (many supers come out as powerful kicks in this mode), meaning that if you relied on certain characters' supers to win matches, playing them here is a waste. The tutorial tries to cover this up by saying that supers should be used to end juggles. Only problem is, some people's supers actually do work as they are supposed to in the mode. It's clear that SF mode is something they just shoehorned in at the last second. Even though this is half a page long, this is just the Cliff's Notes version of the screwed up stuff in this game. It would take a book to fully detail the fubaredness of this game, and this is one example of a game where, if there were no sex in it, there wouldn't be anything.
  • theschwartzb - August 10, 2010 9:17 p.m.

    You either skipped, or took out a few.
  • marklem18 - April 8, 2010 6:44 a.m.

    wew.. hoolalala.......
  • B2KSTR8RIPPIN - November 7, 2009 2:05 p.m.

    yer i have dead or alive! and do you no what the first thing i notised about the game was?.. go ahead.. guess!
  • Signofthezodiac - November 15, 2008 12:40 a.m.

    hmmm...
  • sean_raider - September 27, 2008 8:57 a.m.

    all rigth
  • NEOGILLZ - September 22, 2008 10:57 p.m.

    I am so getting Dead Or Alive now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • KillerPotato - June 4, 2009 6:08 p.m.

    nice
  • Corsair89 - March 8, 2009 7:39 a.m.

    I like Ar Tonelico and Ar Tonelico II. They are really good games. But, yeah, there is sexual innuendo EVERYWHERE! I AT2, the only way to level up the reyvateils is to make them bathe with each other. And in order to get the reyvateils to dive into each others minds, you need to get them to sleep with each other. Yeah. They may be fully clothed and not actually doing anything to each other, but it's one half-step away... Oh, listen to the things you're reyvateils shout out in battle: "Feel it on your body!" "It feels good now!" "Yes! YES!" If someone walks in on you playing this game, they will probably think your watching porn. But once you get past, or at least get used to, all the awkward sexual innuendos, they're both decent and unique JRPGs. Ar Tonelico II is better than Ar Tonelico in almost every way. AT1 is barely above average, while AT2 is amazingly fun.
  • gutlessVADER - February 20, 2009 2:17 a.m.

    titular
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:46 a.m.

    dam u japan...
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:44 a.m.

    okay... Oneechanbra is trying to get the average male. but i will not buy it. ( he says with a boner).
  • Tidus53 - February 2, 2009 12:42 a.m.

    yea... the average 13, horny, boy teen / lesbian market is gonna do will this year.

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