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The Top 7... game religions

Formed after a group of aliens (The Prophets) discovered writings left by an ancient race describing a 'Great Journey' and ascension. After defeating the Elites (yet another alien race) in a bitter war, the Prophets convinced them to join their religion and so the Covenant was born.

Each true believer will lead an exciting existence based on total ‘no questions asked’ obedience, suicidal loyalty and frequent holidays to exotic locations*. They'll also get a personal guarantee from the High Prophets that assures each of them will get to participate in The Great Journey and subsequently get turned into totally amazing transcended beings. Plus, believers will get some really cool Covenant-branded armour that’ll make them look like the shit to all their friends.


Above: This could be you!

* Please note, all Covenant followers may, and almost certainly will, be required to horrifically murder religious heretics during holiday downtime.


Be aware, in swearing allegiance to the Covenant and its Great Journey believers are wavering all of their statutory rights. They'll be expected to frequently put themselves in the rifle sights of a pesky, annoyingly persistent guy called John and form part of a strict military hierarchy, which they’ll almost certainly be at the bottom of. As soon as our High Prophets light the Sacred Rings – an event that might not kill every believer and every other sentient being in the galaxy - every follower of our religion could be - hey, you never know - transcended onto a higher plane of existence. In said higher plane souls will be assuaged by the Forerunners. A way cool race who’ll give believers tonnes of money… and shoulder rubs! Active thinking or questioning of our ‘in no way made up’ religion will automatically disqualify believers from transcending to any better place.


Above: The final destination of the Great Journey



A life-altering experience started by visionary Cris Formage. This religion (aka Kifflom) sets out to put all mortal fears at ease with12 righteous and entirely truthful tenets. Click here to read the tenets and for more background information on the Epsilon Program.

A life of guaranteed bliss, a life of utter obediance, a life free from financial woes - all this awaits those ready to accept the tenets of Kifflom. It provides soul-nourishing info no one should be without. The sacred statements say, 'You are happy, you just don’t know it', 'Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak’ and ‘Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair’.

Epsilonists don’t have to procreate anymore, either, as ‘Sperm does not exist - it is a lie spread by biology teachers.’ And, ‘We all come from the same tree’. Obviously. So, with the mysteries of birth wrapped up neatly by Kifflom, sex is off the table, meaning that the immortal souls of all Epsilonists are saved.


Above: Heaven loves virgins


There’s a small chance Epsilonists might be asked to hand over all their earthly belongings to the Program. But such possessions are merely standing in the way of true enlightenment anyway. Good riddance life savings, that’s what we say.

Stop reading, give all your finances to Epsilonism, and join now. Here at GamesRadar we’ve all welcomed the Epsilon Program into our hearts, signing over all property, bank accounts and freewill to our glorious master Cris Formage. Fail to join us and you’re all doomed. Heretics.

This week’s Top 7 brought to you by the kind, wonderful, all-knowing people of the Epsilon Program.

May 11, 2009



Crucified: Games killed by the critics
Games that were nailed to the cross...



Resurrected: The games that rose again
Dead games that were brought back

Topics

Top 7

70 comments

  • PatHan-bHai - March 4, 2013 1:19 a.m.

    :3
  • wtyonamefooo - August 27, 2010 3:16 a.m.

    HOLD ON SADDLER IM COMMIN!!!!!... i dont know i think id rather have something shoved down my throat than get injected with eggs PROPS FOR RESIDENT EVIL 5 CAUSE IT WASNT IN HERE... but i know this was made a year and 3 months ago, still id rather be a majini than an illuminado
  • thatonekid1995 - June 22, 2009 9:30 a.m.

    i love it when my religion simply asks for all my money and No questions asked...As long as others and my dead corpse will be reanimated by some weird plant/puke colored thing. Do it Altman - he's watching!
  • jonveck - May 20, 2009 6:31 p.m.

    Surprised that Ultima 7 was not on the list. The Fellowship was one of the first examples of a seemingly benevolent religion secretly founded around the summoning of an evil immortal with the average, good-meaning member being completely unaware of the neferious plan. But, hey, the Ultima series only has 10 games, 4 spin-offs, and one of the first successful MMORPGs, much better to include something from Halo.
  • erenelliekush - May 20, 2009 12:57 a.m.

    tho its not truely in any game, you guys should have mentioned the church of captain falcon
  • pogo - May 16, 2009 11:46 a.m.

    i definately agree with the children of atom and the covenant
  • TreyTable - May 15, 2009 11:14 p.m.

    you didn't include Xenogears?
  • bull06 - May 15, 2009 9:58 p.m.

    nice view on religions guys!!!
  • deathrebellion - May 14, 2009 2:29 p.m.

    i expected Re4 & Sparda's followers to be mentioned from DMC4 when i read the title but why no demonking??
  • CandiedJester - May 13, 2009 11:26 p.m.

    There was also a group of people in Fallout 3 who worshiped a mutated talking tree, They were called the TreeMinders. Fun group.
  • RSC - May 13, 2009 1:44 a.m.

    Why isn't Bible Games for NES on here????
  • wiitard07 - May 12, 2009 9:23 p.m.

    I love the Unitology entry and Los Illumindados picture of the Regenerator picture which seems offensive to me i'm from Wisconsin!!!!
  • DeadGirls - May 12, 2009 8:57 a.m.

    Too bad religion isn't confined only to games and movies. Why do people have to believe all that bullshit in real life?
  • Cernunnos - May 12, 2009 8:41 a.m.

    well, the Unggoy and Kig-Yar dont really have much faith, they just joined becase they would be squashed otherwise. the Jiralhaene i think mostly joined due to the technology. nerd rant over.
  • Mavarious - May 12, 2009 6:07 a.m.

    Like someone said earlier, the covenant picture is racist lol. It looks like the elite is eating the black guy's head and everyone's standing around smiling. Lol, that made me laugh, almost didn't notice that.
  • Hecktor - May 12, 2009 5:46 a.m.

    Gamesradar smells like my work socks after 12 hrs. All the Halo references in almost every article is pathetic. The games are overrated garbage.
  • sensualCentipede - May 12, 2009 4:08 a.m.

    is it me or did the dead space religion seem a lot like scientology?
  • missmonster - May 12, 2009 3:22 a.m.

    LOL! Maybe a little credit for using my tentacle jewelry for #7's artwork? Funny article though. Cheers! -missmonster.com
  • KatamariLovesSpock - May 12, 2009 1:25 a.m.

    It's a kick in the dick that the elites quite the Covenant, need someone to be badass on The Great Journey. x3
  • Koouunn - May 11, 2009 11:24 p.m.

    lol nice article

Showing 1-20 of 70 comments

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