Formed after a group of aliens (The Prophets) discovered writings left by an ancient race describing a 'Great Journey' and ascension. After defeating the Elites (yet another alien race) in a bitter war, the Prophets convinced them to join their religion and so the Covenant was born.
Each true believer will lead an exciting existence based on total ‘no questions asked’ obedience, suicidal loyalty and frequent holidays to exotic locations*. They'll also get a personal guarantee from the High Prophets that assures each of them will get to participate in The Great Journey and subsequently get turned into totally amazing transcended beings. Plus, believers will get some really cool Covenant-branded armour that’ll make them look like the shit to all their friends.
Above: This could be you!
* Please note, all Covenant followers may, and almost certainly will, be required to horrifically murder religious heretics during holiday downtime.
Be aware, in swearing allegiance to the Covenant and its Great Journey believers are wavering all of their statutory rights. They'll be expected to frequently put themselves in the rifle sights of a pesky, annoyingly persistent guy called John and form part of a strict military hierarchy, which they’ll almost certainly be at the bottom of. As soon as our High Prophets light the Sacred Rings – an event that might not kill every believer and every other sentient being in the galaxy - every follower of our religion could be - hey, you never know - transcended onto a higher plane of existence. In said higher plane souls will be assuaged by the Forerunners. A way cool race who’ll give believers tonnes of money… and shoulder rubs! Active thinking or questioning of our ‘in no way made up’ religion will automatically disqualify believers from transcending to any better place.
Above: The final destination of the Great Journey
A life-altering experience started by visionary Cris Formage. This religion (aka Kifflom) sets out to put all mortal fears at ease with12 righteous and entirely truthful tenets. Click here to read the tenets and for more background information on the Epsilon Program.
A life of guaranteed bliss, a life of utter obediance, a life free from financial woes - all this awaits those ready to accept the tenets of Kifflom. It provides soul-nourishing info no one should be without. The sacred statements say, 'You are happy, you just don’t know it', 'Dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak’ and ‘Everyone is related to everyone else, except for people with red hair’.
Epsilonists don’t have to procreate anymore, either, as ‘Sperm does not exist - it is a lie spread by biology teachers.’ And, ‘We all come from the same tree’. Obviously. So, with the mysteries of birth wrapped up neatly by Kifflom, sex is off the table, meaning that the immortal souls of all Epsilonists are saved.
Above: Heaven loves virgins
There’s a small chance Epsilonists might be asked to hand over all their earthly belongings to the Program. But such possessions are merely standing in the way of true enlightenment anyway. Good riddance life savings, that’s what we say.
Stop reading, give all your finances to Epsilonism, and join now. Here at GamesRadar we’ve all welcomed the Epsilon Program into our hearts, signing over all property, bank accounts and freewill to our glorious master Cris Formage. Fail to join us and you’re all doomed. Heretics.
This week’s Top 7 brought to you by the kind, wonderful, all-knowing people of the Epsilon Program.
May 11, 2009