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What if Albert Einstein had disposed of Adolf Hitler and prevented World War II? Well, in addition to leaving us shy four out of five Call of Duty games, we’d also see the Communist Fiend stand in for the Nazi Bastard... at least if the Command & Conquer Red Alert series is to be believed. Luckily, there are men like Howard T. Ackerman to light the way through this crimson scourge.
Through tireless xenophobia and grassroots tyranny, Ackerman is clearly the out-and-out choice for capitalistic supremacy. But what about the man behind The Man?
Howard Ackerman began his political career as many others before him: With a quick stint in the Gray Bar Hotel. Judge not, dear populace. By forging an unprecedented alliance between the White Supremacists and Latin Kings, while remaining a staunch advocate for “Bitch Rights”, Ackerman showed remarkable leadership skills that would not go unnoticed.
His knack with established power structures and a tobacco-based economy landed him the coveted role of Editor-in-Chief at Manhattan periodical, The Daily Bugle, where among many firings the man shepherded young talents to unparalleled echelons of journalism, including photo phenoms Peter Parker and Eddie Brock (deceased).
Eventually, Ackerman sought the calm respite of family life and settled down with a former Whitehouse press secretary. Some would say the immediacy with which his daughter Juno started her own family life thrust him back into the public eye... and this was followed by a dismal political campaign in Uwe Boll’s Postal that’s better left unmentioned.
Taft’s Trivia: J.K. Simmons is dope an all, but more importantly C&C: Red Alert 3 features the vixenly Jenny McCarthy. Va-Va-VOOM!
- President Wilson reserves the right to murder any member of his cabinet
- Pres. Wilson will divert military funding into his own personal Battle Mech
- Pres. Wilson will make every effort to bring this awesome game stateside!
Can a man possibly get much more Alpha Dog than rising to the position of President of the United States? Ever the problem solver, Michael Wilson proved “Yes! Yes, you can!” and he bolstered his machismo further into the stratosphere by killing his own Vice President... along with several hundred other defecting subjects.
Although, not without the help of his #1 aid: The Metal Wolf Mech Suit! We defy you to not shed tears of red white and blue at our video below:
Thanks to a dastardly coup (and a heaping helping of Engrish), the United States “became deprived of its liberty,” and President Wilson single-handedly bitch slapped one ridiculous boss battle after another to win it back by laying waste to DC, San Francisco, and many other US locales the Japanese developers had heard of but never seen.
Above: Voting matters!
Available only in Japan, rumor has it that the Bush administration suppressed a US release of Metal Wolf Chaos and its flagrant degree of awesome because it made him look like a weak and asthmatic titmouse by comparison. And that’s not easy to pull on someone currently waging unsuccessful war in two countries.
Above: Seriously, that’s him
Even though most of you will never play it, take our word for it when we say Metal Wolf Chaos is the most accurate depiction of the presidency Japan has ever produced. And that’s why Michael Wilson reigns supreme. He could probably run for a third term solely on the platform of being King Shit of F**k Mountain.
Taft’s Trivia: President Wilson makes a cameo in From Software’s Enchanted Arms. He has earned the name “Executor” and shouts the name “RICHARRRDDD!” to remind us all of a battle we shouldn’t soon forget. Peace!
Hear more about this article in TalkRadar.
Nov 3, 2008
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