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The Top 7... Fictional Presidents

 

CAMPAIGN PROMISES
- President Ackerman will put Freedom First - over both change and hope
- Pres. Ackerman’s immigration policy doubles as global population control
- Pres. Ackerman will not let his presidency interfere with the filming of Spider-Man 4
 

What if Albert Einstein had disposed of Adolf Hitler and prevented World War II? Well, in addition to leaving us shy four out of five Call of Duty games, we’d also see the Communist Fiend stand in for the Nazi Bastard... at least if the Command & Conquer Red Alert series is to be believed. Luckily, there are men like Howard T. Ackerman to light the way through this crimson scourge.

Through tireless xenophobia and grassroots tyranny, Ackerman is clearly the out-and-out choice for capitalistic supremacy. But what about the man behind The Man?

 

Howard Ackerman began his political career as many others before him: With a quick stint in the Gray Bar Hotel. Judge not, dear populace. By forging an unprecedented alliance between the White Supremacists and Latin Kings, while remaining a staunch advocate for “Bitch Rights”, Ackerman showed remarkable leadership skills that would not go unnoticed.

 

His knack with established power structures and a tobacco-based economy landed him the coveted role of Editor-in-Chief at Manhattan periodical, The Daily Bugle, where among many firings the man shepherded young talents to unparalleled echelons of journalism, including photo phenoms Peter Parker and Eddie Brock (deceased).

 

Eventually, Ackerman sought the calm respite of family life and settled down with a former Whitehouse press secretary. Some would say the immediacy with which his daughter Juno started her own family life thrust him back into the public eye... and this was followed by a dismal political campaign in Uwe Boll’s Postal that’s better left unmentioned.

Taft’s Trivia: J.K. Simmons is dope an all, but more importantly C&C: Red Alert 3 features the vixenly Jenny McCarthy. Va-Va-VOOM!

 

 


CAMPAIGN PROMISES
- President Wilson reserves the right to murder any member of his cabinet
- Pres. Wilson will divert military funding into his own personal Battle Mech
- Pres. Wilson will make every effort to bring this awesome game stateside!

Can a man possibly get much more Alpha Dog than rising to the position of President of the United States? Ever the problem solver, Michael Wilson proved “Yes! Yes, you can!” and he bolstered his machismo further into the stratosphere by killing his own Vice President... along with several hundred other defecting subjects.


Above: Uuuh-merica... 

Although, not without the help of his #1 aid: The Metal Wolf Mech Suit! We defy you to not shed tears of red white and blue at our video below:


Above: Xtreme Patriotism!

Thanks to a dastardly coup (and a heaping helping of Engrish), the United States  “became deprived of its liberty,” and President Wilson single-handedly bitch slapped one ridiculous boss battle after another to win it back by laying waste to DC, San Francisco, and many other US locales the Japanese developers had heard of but never seen.


Above: Voting matters!

Available only in Japan, rumor has it that the Bush administration suppressed a US release of Metal Wolf Chaos and its flagrant degree of awesome because it made him look like a weak and asthmatic titmouse by comparison. And that’s not easy to pull on someone currently waging unsuccessful war in two countries.


Above: Seriously, that’s him 

Even though most of you will never play it, take our word for it when we say Metal Wolf Chaos is the most accurate depiction of the presidency Japan has ever produced. And that’s why Michael Wilson reigns supreme. He could probably run for a third term solely on the platform of being King Shit of F**k Mountain. 

Taft’s Trivia: President Wilson makes a cameo in From Software’s Enchanted Arms. He has earned the name “Executor” and shouts the name “RICHARRRDDD!” to remind us all of a battle we shouldn’t soon forget. Peace!


Hear more about this article in TalkRadar.

Nov 3, 2008


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29 comments

  • Shuuvuia - July 26, 2011 11:02 a.m.

    Anything with J.K. Simmons is hilarious.
  • TheWebSwinger - November 6, 2008 4:50 a.m.

    Chris Antista, you are my fucking hero. Let's go get a Burger, you bad dude. Ha! Ha! Ha!
  • quicksilver_503 - November 5, 2008 7:09 p.m.

    vote for me, if you want to live. :)
  • Defguru7777 - November 5, 2008 2:23 a.m.

    Funny article. Man, I'd vote for Ackerman. And Michael Wilson is the shit!! But I've already voted for Solidus. Sorry guys.
  • KHS_Kid - November 5, 2008 12:43 a.m.

    What about president eden from fallout 3
  • georgeguy - November 4, 2008 9:01 p.m.

    wow nice artial GR and the prez for dah deserves a mention...
  • Cwf2008 - November 4, 2008 1:59 a.m.

    Haha loved the first paragraph. I always knew GamesRadar had a sense of humor, but that joke about George W. Bush being a good president was the best joke i heard today.
  • metroid2099400 - November 4, 2008 1:28 a.m.

    I'd have to dissagree with some of the Halo comment. I've only played the first one, but there are clearly australian voices for some of the NPCs. otherwise a great article!!
  • mikeo1229 - November 3, 2008 11:51 p.m.

    The Ackerman stuff was great. "the Future is coming with armoured Kodiak bears, attack blimps, and enough weaponized robots to turn hope into a four letter word!"
  • Z-man427 - November 3, 2008 11:47 p.m.

    game presidents make Bush look like a very competent leader.
  • CuddlyBomber - November 3, 2008 11:21 p.m.

    Ah man I loled. Thats good shit Chris.
  • chrisat928 - November 3, 2008 11:20 p.m.

    I want to run for president and my platform would be banning douchebags that write 'FIRST!' in their messages.
  • ethanoyak14 - November 7, 2008 11:52 p.m.

    they should put the president from the sonic the hedgehog series
  • pdiddy0819 - November 6, 2008 8:53 p.m.

    funny article...get free wii/xbox 360/ps3 filling out surveys at-http://www.rewards1.com/index.php?referrer_id=448414
  • key0blade - November 6, 2008 12:54 a.m.

    Hilarious GR, yall make my days sometimes
  • Fisforfat - November 5, 2008 10:55 p.m.

    I like how Dubya is on the Cowboys
  • misfit119 - November 4, 2008 10:35 p.m.

    It's amazing that people think that firsting makes them cool or something. It takes a special sort of something to make an internet poster seem even lamer than normal but these firsters have definitely found it. And I remember President Ronnie in Bad Dudes, that was awesome.
  • FancyRat - November 4, 2008 8:37 p.m.

    I'd vote for you, chrisat928.
  • Kerfluffle - November 4, 2008 8:12 p.m.

    The President in Destroy All Humans! is President Huffman you kill/disintegrate him near the end of the game and then impersonate him as president. It does deserve an honorable mention.
  • Diamondis - November 4, 2008 7:23 p.m.

    Is it just me, or does Big Boss look like the floating head from the old Gamesmaster TV show on channel 4? lol

Showing 1-20 of 29 comments

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