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Just look at him up there. Those fresh-faced looks. That quiet, pensive smile. The little twinkle in his eye, long before they were deadened by five games worth of murderising zombies, zombie dogs, zombie frog things, zombie sharks, zombie... screw it. You get the point. Anyhoo, Resident Evil’s original mangler of the undead used to be such a likeable chap. Inoffensive and boyish, yet filled with a quiet authority. What a dreamboat.
Woah, fancy cutting back on the bull shark steroids, pal? With arms the size of Redwoods and an almost unrecognisable mug from Code Veronica’s Chris, this Resi 5 reboot might as well be a different character. Sure, he can bench press the entire continent of Africa, but he’s lost that slightly homicidal boy next door quality that used to make him so endearing. We ain’t digging the khakis either.
Oprah! Make Over My Man!
Old Chesty McBoob used to have a frame that could only end in one thing: crippling back spasms followed by a life constricted to a wheelchair. Not only was Miss Croft’s stick-like figure – seriously, we think her arms are made out of twigs – horribly unequipped to support her robust assets, this Angel of Darkness iteration looks like an emotionless wax model.
Ah, now this is more like it. Tomb Raider Legend’s Lara is positively glowing. A realistic waist – well, for someone who only throws up every second meal – a face that actually looks like, y’know, a human and a fetching new wardrobe. A picture of health next to her creepy, emotionally crippled predecessor, this is a Lara we’d more than like to get to grips with. If you catch our really sleazy, vaguely stalky drift.
Oprah! Make Over My... Erm Woman?
Above: Though he was never officially named in Half-Life, this is definitely Eli in all his semi deformed glory
Ewwww. Sorry to tell you this Eli, but having your clothes physically painted onto your body is sooooo 1998. Weird body paint aside, we do like the hints of grey sprouting from our boy’s distinguished, well-maintained locks. Sadly, they can’t distract from the Half-Life character’s hideously disfigured abominations he’s unlucky enough to call hands <shudder>. Just how are you supposed to pick up beakers full of oozing green liquid and other scientician type things with those mitts of death?
Pass us some buckets of ice water, because we need a rigorous cooling down. Seriously, our favourite peg-legged science man is looking fine after his Half-Life 2 redesign. The well kempt greying face fuzz, those dignified wrinkles; yup, this is a man who knows his scientific shit. Although you can’t see it in the shot above, his prosthetic leg gives him a dangerous edge that juxtaposes those dreamy eyes… sorry, we’re getting lost in them again… eh, perfectly.
Oprah! Make Over My Man!