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The Top 7... E3 games we don't want to see

2. The Golden Compass (Everything ever)

We shouldn't really have to explain this, but we will anyway. It's a game based on a movie based on a book. That spells trouble. But we're not heartless monsters that want to see games fail so we can dance on their graves, shouting about how right we were - no, we're all about playing games, even if they are a bit crap. Hell some of the staff even likes drivel like P.N. 03 and Beatdown: Fists of Vengeance.

But after watching the first trailer for the game, complete with a sound system so loud the audio waves could have been granting us superhuman powers, all we saw was a bludgeoning polar bear and some tricky-flippy moments with a catlike supporting character. The movie could be great, sure, but the game is almost certain to play like all the other movies-that-must-become-games-for-marketing-reasons.

A heavy character (Mr. Bear) that charges through enemies with a slash-slash-pound attack? Wow. Should we hold out for a rage meter?



1. Spider-Man: Friend or Foe (probably anything with electricity)

Ok, so, let's try to claw through all the reasons no one wants to sit through a presentation about kiddy-sized Spider-Man. The first and most obvious one is that this is a total grab for cash. There won't be a Spidey movie for years now, so they've gotta flex that movie license for as long as it lasts. Forget the storyline, let's make it up as we go and say Green Goblin is alive and now fights alongside Spider-Man in "family friendly combat."

That translates to "button-mash nonsense that no one over five wants to play." With Saturday-morning sensibility and the most absurd storyline in the history of Spider-Man (yes even more than this), what audience will be interested? Well, we already called it - five-year-old Spider-fans who want to see a munchkin-ized Spidey pound through waves of mindless drones. Camoes by other heroes won't help... but rest assured the list of guest stars will be one of the top bullet points.

The final and most damning reason why we can't wait to forget this game is Spider-Man 3. It was awful, especially on Wii and PS2. Friend or Foe is just milking the Marvel license even harder and doing it in the worst possible way. Spider-Man 2 (hell even 3) put Spidey in a free-roaming city and used his powers in a way that made sense. This... this is just making a new Ultimate Alliance with half the multiplayer and none of the awesome, plopping Spidey's game cred in the same league as Teen Titans and Fantastic Four.

Friend or Foe's big reveal is later this week. Now, there's still a sliver of hope that Activision will unveil more details that make this better than it first appears, but we don't see a lot of hope.

Check the game's official site here. Odds are it'll blossom into a full website sometime this week, but until then, enjoy the deliciously vague intro movie. We'll have much, much more on Friend or Foe, along with all these other fine games, over the next few days of E3.

And what a glorious E3 it will be.

Click here to visit the ghost of Top 7's past.

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1 comment

  • ballplayer27 - April 5, 2009 5:16 a.m.

    First. Someone has to fail, not all the games can sell millions of copies. My guess is that most of these games will get to be the utter failures that make us love the successes that much more.

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