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We're stoked about E3! Thousands of people, big presentations, great new games, over-the-top booths and head-popping sound systems will blow our minds, right? It's like going to a concert in Las Vegas at a billion miles per hour.
Wait, what's that? There's going to be five people, in 50 different hotels strewn across the map? No laser light show? No half-naked Final Fantasy girls? The booths are the size of a New York City studio apartment? Who the hell wants to go to that?
Well, fine. We can deal. The point is there will be new games to play. That's the reason we're really looking forward to the trip, after all. In fact, there's no doubt in our mind this year's scaled-back E3 will still be home to some kick-ass games. But... there are others... lurking in the shadows. Games we know we're going to see. Games for which we can already hear the choking desperation of product managers, echoing in our ears. Let's yank 'em into the light, so you can suffer along with us...
7. The Wheelman- Xbox 360, PS3, PC
Guess what won't be as exciting and stupendously over-the-top as its trailer?
If you're not interested in sitting through three and half minutes of CG Vin Diesel antics, jump to the last minute and a half. Vin spins his car around, shoots a guy off a motorcycle, who flies into a car that flips through the air and cuts a gas truck in half as Vin slides underneath it all - without even a singed eyebrow. It's so flippin' absurd we love it.
But that's the trailer. It's not the game... which is based on a movie about driving cars and shooting people. Sounds a lot like Driver, a series that's not doing so hot these days, mixed with more movie-themed boredom. Do you think there'll be intense on-foot missions broken up by exciting, Hollywood-style chases through Barcelona? What about dynamic door-denting physics that make each crash pound with realism? Lighting that gleams off the top of Diesel's reflective head? Seven types of cutting-edge technology that make his shoes flex and crease like they would in real life? How about a game that will most likely play like every second-rate crime/driving game of the past six years?
Vin's involvement - behind the scenes - is the only thing that could keep our interest up, as Chronicles of Riddick turned out quite good. Let's hope his nerdy nature can rescue this overproduced nightmare-to-be.