The Top 7… disastrous game romances

1. Wander and Mono

Definitely not living happily ever after in: Shadow of the Colossus

There’s no two ways about it. Love will drive people to clinically insane lengths. And by “clinically insane” we mean inspire certain folk to seek out and murder 16 of the most heartbreakingly huggable monsters you’ve ever seen.

Above: Every time you kill a Colossus, you're murdering something with Sesame Street levels of innocence

Horrendously sympathetic or not, Colossus’ mainly silent hero commits acts of titanic slaughter when he makes a pact with a demon to bring his beloved back to the union. If there’s ever been an example of love driving a character to more tragic, futile acts in a game, we definitely never want to play it. Honestly, it’s five years on from SOTC and we still have to pretend we’ve got something in our eyes every time it’s mentioned.

Above: Tears, you say? Nah, we've just got sweaty eyeballs

When you play the game for the first time, everything is cloaked in mystery. How did Mono (Wander’s love) die? What’s the deal with the creepy disembodied voice? And is killing the Colossi an act of heroism or unspeakable evil? When you get to the end, it’s essentially a tale of a man becoming Beast to save Beauty. Just replace the hairy-ass monster with a haunted hero who’s had all the life and goodness drained out of him by a malevolent demonic force.

Why their love is doomed from the start: Happy, lasting relationships aren’t formed on committing unspeakable acts of violence of gentle leviathans.

At the start of his quest, Wander is clearly blinded by love. Setting foot (well, four hooves) upon a forbidden land with his awesome steed Agro, it’s clear nothing good can come from the pact he makes to bring Mono back. As he says at the start of his stabby journey, though, what he has to go through to revive his love doesn't matter…

Above: Actually, maybe it matters a smidge

As he kills each titan, he gradually begins to lose himself. His hair begins to darken and his skin becomes ever more ghostly, as he absorbs the essence of each of his kills. Only at the end does he realise the Colossi were keeping the evil demon Dormin at bay. Once Wander has sent them the way of Mel Gibson’s acting career, the monster is released. Cue a tragic series of events which see Wander and the beast sharing the body of a newborn baby together. It’s just like a 80s mismatched buddy comedy. Just replace the class of culture laughs with agonising torment and being reborn as someone who constantly shits himself.

If there’s one thing the interwebs are good for, other than showing us pictures of amazingly dexterous video-game playing hamsters, it’s providing a forum for amazing fan art. Like the example below, which hints at a semi happy ending for the couple. Changing a youngling’s nappy every five minutes is definitely romantic, yeah?

Now, in one final celebratory act of completely screwed love, lets all watch Shadow of the Colossus’ tragic ending together. Be strong, readers. God, be strong. <fights back impending breakdown>

Feb 21, 2011

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  • switch22 - February 21, 2011 10:06 a.m.

    I teared up a little inside. *sniff*
  • humpiedumpie - February 21, 2011 10:32 a.m.

    Damn i wish Shadow of the Colossus came to Xbox...i really want to play that game! :( Even though i know the ending
  • speno93 - February 21, 2011 10:32 a.m.

    very funny article thought i would never enjoy a Meikelham photoshop again (Max Payne bedtime story= hilarity)
  • spulungkin - February 21, 2011 10:40 a.m.

    Watch "Reign Over Me" starring Adam Sandler. First good use of videogame in a movie...
  • Rascanuvols - February 21, 2011 10:48 a.m.

    No James and Mary/Maria Sunderland? I don't think it get's more disastrous than that.
  • Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham - February 21, 2011 10:53 a.m.

    @Rascanuvols Dang. That is indeed a good suggestion. Unfortunately, the all seeing eye of GamesRadar overlooked that one... either that, or I just completely forgot about Silent Hill 2 while writing this.
  • chrisat928 - February 21, 2011 10:59 a.m.

    Am I the only one who sees nipple on Mona?
  • Clovin64 - February 21, 2011 11:01 a.m.

    I knew Shadow of the Colosus would have to be #1. I'm aching to play it again for the 6th or 7th time, but I'm determined to wait for the HD version before I play this masterpiece again.
  • cj12297 - February 21, 2011 11:01 a.m.

    But i thought meikleham died!!!
  • DinklemanDog - February 21, 2011 11:16 a.m.

    You will be missed, Meiks.
  • b-dog1991 - February 21, 2011 11:21 a.m.

    What about Red Dead? That was one hell of a romance that didn't end all purddy. Although that list was pretty much spot on, damn the number 7!
  • WrathLord03 - February 21, 2011 11:36 a.m.

    I stopped myself from watching Shadow of the Colossus' ending because I'm still waiting for the remake. And as much as I want to watch that video, those moments are ever more powerful after having built towards them. Good list, would have liked to have seen the Silent Hill 2 one because I know nothing about it and if it's not on Gamesradar, it just ins't worth reading!
  • liamcullen - February 21, 2011 11:56 a.m.

    Meikleham! You're alive !!!
  • peace4me - February 21, 2011 12:39 p.m.

    Whao where did you get the picture in the shadow of the colossus entry? I want!
  • AuthorityFigure - February 21, 2011 1:01 p.m.

    Hate is what makes a good game. Ganon's hate for Link, (not Link's love for Zelda), Niko's hate for lawfulness (not his love for Roman), Marsden's hate is what drives RDR, and so on...
  • KnightDehumidifier - February 21, 2011 1:15 p.m.

    Zero and Alia, or for those who don't remember, "WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR?!"
  • Odis - February 21, 2011 1:20 p.m.

    Without the need to watch the whole end of Shadow of the Colossus again, just through the beginning and music, I'm tearing up... I want it for a console I own T_T.
  • 8bitBaby - February 21, 2011 1:28 p.m.

    you know the whole time dom was acting up over his special lady he constantly pulled me out of the game when he would start acting up. stupid dom is stupid.
  • Yaro - February 21, 2011 2:06 p.m.

    The ending of Shadow of the Colossus will stay with me forever.
  • Japanaman - February 21, 2011 2:10 p.m.

    If you ask me, MGS2 and 4 just about had the most disastrous romance in video game history. Raiden's like "I love you, but I don't love myself. I'm just a killer who can never be loved. I had myself transformed into a tool of death." And his girlfriend is like "I still love you cyborg killer. You have a son who needs your proper raising." And he's like "I do? How can I help." And a bunch of IT guys are like "We'll make him sofer, slower, weaker, lamer." and transformered him into "Manequinn Man" in order to live a barely normal life with his family. "Daddy? Can you feel my touch?", his son will soon ask.

Showing 1-20 of 54 comments

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