The Top 7… disastrous game romances

1. Wander and Mono

Definitely not living happily ever after in: Shadow of the Colossus

There’s no two ways about it. Love will drive people to clinically insane lengths. And by “clinically insane” we mean inspire certain folk to seek out and murder 16 of the most heartbreakingly huggable monsters you’ve ever seen.

Above: Every time you kill a Colossus, you're murdering something with Sesame Street levels of innocence

Horrendously sympathetic or not, Colossus’ mainly silent hero commits acts of titanic slaughter when he makes a pact with a demon to bring his beloved back to the union. If there’s ever been an example of love driving a character to more tragic, futile acts in a game, we definitely never want to play it. Honestly, it’s five years on from SOTC and we still have to pretend we’ve got something in our eyes every time it’s mentioned.

Above: Tears, you say? Nah, we've just got sweaty eyeballs

When you play the game for the first time, everything is cloaked in mystery. How did Mono (Wander’s love) die? What’s the deal with the creepy disembodied voice? And is killing the Colossi an act of heroism or unspeakable evil? When you get to the end, it’s essentially a tale of a man becoming Beast to save Beauty. Just replace the hairy-ass monster with a haunted hero who’s had all the life and goodness drained out of him by a malevolent demonic force.

Why their love is doomed from the start: Happy, lasting relationships aren’t formed on committing unspeakable acts of violence of gentle leviathans.

At the start of his quest, Wander is clearly blinded by love. Setting foot (well, four hooves) upon a forbidden land with his awesome steed Agro, it’s clear nothing good can come from the pact he makes to bring Mono back. As he says at the start of his stabby journey, though, what he has to go through to revive his love doesn't matter…

Above: Actually, maybe it matters a smidge

As he kills each titan, he gradually begins to lose himself. His hair begins to darken and his skin becomes ever more ghostly, as he absorbs the essence of each of his kills. Only at the end does he realise the Colossi were keeping the evil demon Dormin at bay. Once Wander has sent them the way of Mel Gibson’s acting career, the monster is released. Cue a tragic series of events which see Wander and the beast sharing the body of a newborn baby together. It’s just like a 80s mismatched buddy comedy. Just replace the class of culture laughs with agonising torment and being reborn as someone who constantly shits himself.

If there’s one thing the interwebs are good for, other than showing us pictures of amazingly dexterous video-game playing hamsters, it’s providing a forum for amazing fan art. Like the example below, which hints at a semi happy ending for the couple. Changing a youngling’s nappy every five minutes is definitely romantic, yeah?

Now, in one final celebratory act of completely screwed love, lets all watch Shadow of the Colossus’ tragic ending together. Be strong, readers. God, be strong. <fights back impending breakdown>

Feb 21, 2011

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  FF's romantic trainwrecks


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  • KippDynamite - February 27, 2011 4:53 a.m.

    I could be wrong but I believe the Philosophers Legacy is 100 BILLION dollars.
  • LAKERdynasty247 - February 24, 2011 3:51 a.m.

    The Darkness is such an awesome game.
  • oreopizza47 - February 23, 2011 8:41 p.m.

    Woo-hoo! Return of the spoiler Asian! I don't know why that's so exciting to me... great article though.
  • dalef11 - February 23, 2011 8:28 a.m.

    great article as always, my favourite gaming news sight by far, keep up the good work! in my opinion the saddest romance is mario and peach. Mario finds and saves her then the next F**king koopa steals her.. sigh :D
  • Hecticvoodu - February 23, 2011 12:07 a.m.

    *Raises Hand*
  • AlpineGuy - February 22, 2011 9:42 p.m.

    I definitely agree that James and Maria from Silent Hill 2 definitely deserved to be on here, but this Top 7 was still great overall! Seriously, though...that scene from The Darkness was some serious stuff. Like, I still feel a little choked-up, and I read it yesterday.... Anyway, I think I'll pick up the game next chance I get.
  • FinderKeeper - February 22, 2011 8:39 p.m.

    Don't have a PS3 yet, but I'm going to buy the PS3 slim specifically to play the ICO and Shadow of the Colossus remakes. *eyes start watering* What? Oh, I've been cutting onions... *sniff*
  • nerdemon - February 22, 2011 4:39 p.m.

    You missed your opportunity to put the two main characters from Army of Two, it was just asking for a gay sex scene.
  • UDNTNOME - February 22, 2011 1:07 p.m.

    No companion cube? Gamesradar i am dissapoint
  • philipshaw - February 22, 2011 1:03 p.m.

    I knew Shadow of the Colossus would be number 1, I will miss you Meiks
  • SolidEye - February 22, 2011 10:21 a.m.

    Jackie Estacado's romance was technically a comic book romance. Any one who read The Darkness already knew what happened to Jenny long before the game came out.
  • BlackElement17 - February 22, 2011 2:09 a.m.

    I remember that in Shadow of the Colossus. I burned through my entire grip bar trying to not fall in to that pit. It was an excruciating few minutes
  • Yeager1122 - February 22, 2011 1:33 a.m.

    I really have to play shadow of the colloseus one of these days just hope it lives up to all the praise dumped upon it but im sure it will.
  • Dredgon - February 22, 2011 12:13 a.m.

    How about Commander Shepard and Morinth, one roll in the hay and you're dead!!!!!
  • FreedomPhantom - February 21, 2011 11:40 p.m.

    This made me really sad that shadow of the Colossus never came to the xbox.
  • JLThatshilarious - February 21, 2011 10:55 p.m.

    Phoenix Wright's relationship with Dahlia Hawthorne was pretty messed up.
  • 510BrotherPanda - February 21, 2011 10:18 p.m.

    First, Meiks dies on TRUK last week. Now a Top 7, written by him, shows up on Monday. WTH is going on in the Land of Onion?!?
  • Modroneman - February 21, 2011 10:09 p.m.

    Holy crap I need to play The Darkness. I bought that game when I got my 360 like 3 years ago and havn't played more than 30 mins of it! I will definately have dust it off and give it another go.
  • S0ULEATER - February 21, 2011 9:28 p.m.

    No JENNY god that moment was like the most sad i ever felt from a video game
  • KnightDehumidifier - February 21, 2011 8:39 p.m.

    I just realized, Bionic Commando's wife arm!