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The Top 7... Damsels You DON'T Want to Save

You know the formula. A pure-hearted beauty falls into the evil grasp of some snarling, spitting, mustache-twirling megalomaniac. A noble hero, driven by honor, courage and - let's face it - hormones, rushes to her aid. A brief kiss ensues and, before you can say sequel, the hapless lady has stumbled into imminent danger all over again. Tale as old as time... classic "damsel in distress."

Except sometimes, the damsel isn't worth the damn trouble. Sometimes you reach the end of your adventure, take one look at your reward and wonder why you went searching for her in the first place. Sometimes you're sick of her before you've even begun.

The following are those times. Take our advice, potential knights in shining armor. Don't bother.



Queen Sophia... Maximo: Ghosts to Glory

The lady? Nothing less than a fairy-tale portrait, with golden hair, porcelain skin, doe eyes and royal blood. Her savior? A young king with Arthurian good looks, unwavering courage and - best of all - a big ass sword. Her captor? The very definition of storybook evil, a twisted old stump of a man with demonic powers, dark ambitions and - most damning of all - facial hair.

Forget merely following the "damsel in distress" formula. This is the formula. So what could possibly go wrong?

Hmm... well, the exact moment is a little hard to pinpoint, but we're gonna hazard a guess and say that the beautiful queen unexpectedly metamorphosizing into a bloated, slobbering beast with clawed hands, slimy blue skin and glowing orange eyes at the very end of the game, right as you're about to kiss her, might have something to do with it. Just a guess.

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Top 7

12 comments

  • DARK_SIDE - January 8, 2010 12:15 a.m.

    good article
  • wiitard07 - November 4, 2009 4:10 a.m.

    Ashley Grahm, little sisters (if they count)
  • triforcexgurl - October 14, 2008 8:22 p.m.

    no, this list isn't complete. what's missing is those four little girls from legend of zelda: phantom hourglass . you spend SO much time saving those little brats, run after them when they're scared of a spider, etc. and it takes you SO long, and then they turn into hideous monsters and make you play volleyball ... thanks alot , girls.
  • WhoShotCaptainFarrel - August 28, 2008 5:16 p.m.

    Peach should have been here! sure we all love mario! and we all can tolerate peach! but have you played as her in any of the smash bros games! shes flipping man-beast! how the hell is she kidnapped so much?!
  • awsome_gamer - October 4, 2008 12:24 p.m.

    whoshotcaptainfarrel is right she is a man beast
  • GamesRadarCharlieBarratt - September 17, 2008 12:57 a.m.

    Peach almost made this list. But I like playing as her in Mario Kart and other Mario sports games, 'cause people HATE losing to something in pink.
  • TarkDaShark - August 31, 2008 8:58 p.m.

    omg i couldnt agree more with maria that bitch
  • griffed88 - April 28, 2009 6:49 p.m.

    How bout the presidents daughter from RE:4. Always shouting in a high pitched voice "LEON! LEON!" I wanted to shoot her instead of the "zombies." And then that lame cut scene at the end with the stupid jet-ski...
  • ryno - April 6, 2009 3:43 p.m.

    what about jen from Prey she was constantly screaming and saying she was scared and what not. she should have had some dignity
  • MOOMAN - August 4, 2009 7:25 p.m.

    ok well i hated maximo spider man 2 good but mary jane iZ weird and ummm yeah zelda should be here why does link have to save her ugly royal butt every 20 seconds? HE HAS A DIGITAL SCRIPTED LIFE TOO!!!!!! IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!
  • OldschoolAL - July 31, 2009 9:49 a.m.

    I didn't mind smacking 2 bells out of billy lee in double dragon at the end, it was always my brother. That was the 1st ever red vs blue y'know?
  • SleepingDragon7 - July 11, 2009 3:02 a.m.

    griffed88, Ashley Williams is the President's daughter. And she's on the list. Also, I liked Jessie before she turned zombie. Grrr.

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