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The Top 7... Cringeworthy Kisses

The game: Chrono Trigger

The couple: Once upon a time, there was a frog. The amphibious fellow, though monstrous in appearance, was actually a noble adventurer, transformed by dark magic long ago. Now, with his true identity revealed, he gets to marry the girl, rule the kingdom and live happily ever after. Sounds like a classic fairy tale, no?

The moment of horror: Chrono Trigger is famous for including over a dozen alternate endings, many of them beyond bizarre. This one might be the most twisted. Here’s why.

In storybooks, the cursed beast is supposed to return to human form before marrying the princess. Here, he’s still a slimy frog. In storybooks, the bride is supposed to be willing and available. Here, she’s the queen and, we assume, still married to the king. In storybooks, the couple is supposed to share a storybook kiss. Here, we the lady’s face must have resembled a large and particularly juicy fly...

The kiss, however, is in the game’s past. Far more sickening are the implications of what you discover in the present. Townspeople now hop rather than walk. The royal family now croak instead of talk. The kingdom is now half-amphibian, clearly descended from both the frog and the queen. Connect the dots, people... they shared more than a tongue.

 

 

The game: Chulip

The couple: You and the girl of your dreams.
As the unpopular new kid in town, though, you don’t really know her yet. Or anyone else, for that matter. Getting close and bringing this wishful fantasy to life, then, will surely be the focus of a sweeping romantic epic filled with charm, whimsy and innocence. Then again, this is a Japanese import...

The moment(s) of horror: Although a cringeworthy kiss will make your skin crawl, your stomach turn and your eyes shrink back into their sockets, it normally doesn’t last longer than a few torturous minutes. Survive and you’ll still have the rest of the game to enjoy. Unless, of course, the entire game is a cringeworthy kiss.

 

Well, guess what? Chulip is that game. The dream girl won’t kiss you until you’ve improved your “reputation” and written a “killer love letter.” Apparently, these are just fanciful Japanese euphemisms for “act like a dirty whore,” because all you really do is run around town, attempting to swap spit with anyone and everyone you can find.

Men. Women. Aliens, zombies, scarecrows and dinosaurs. Underground mutants, cemetery dwellers and S&M enthusiasts. Guys who rummage through garbage and other guys who suspend themselves from the ceiling with chains. Your prostitute of a hero will pucker up for them all – he has absolutely no standards, no qualms and no limitations in his pursuit for love. And after going through so much to reach her, the kiss with the annoying object of his affection might be the most cringeworthy of all.

Topics

Top 7

57 comments

  • Mecha - January 3, 2010 1:15 a.m.

    UH!!!!Sick.
  • tvGamer13 - October 21, 2009 11:10 p.m.

    That was so creepy with the audio clip ang the wizard
  • CARLINNIT - July 30, 2009 7:51 p.m.

    But Indigo Prophecy is so awesome! In the UK version, there is a playable sex scene. Awkward.
  • albinomonkey90 - May 9, 2009 11:53 p.m.

    Sonic and Elise? isnt that illegal
  • willyfoureyes - February 28, 2009 11:38 a.m.

    Poor Fred Sav--I mean Cory Woods. He'll forever have those cries of "AHHHHH! He touched my breast!" stuck in his head. That's the closest he's ever going to get to scoring with Haley.
  • Melik - February 18, 2009 6:43 p.m.

    What About San Andreas Co-Op Kiss?
  • Stuffgamer1 - February 13, 2009 3:30 p.m.

    That kiss in Enter the Matrix was obviously SUPPOSED to be like that because the woman was being FORCED to kiss. If you really expect her to show boatloads of hot romance under those circumstances, you're obviously paying too much attention to the kiss and not enough to the story. I also disagree that the kiss the The Wizard was cringe-inducing. Kinda stupid, yeah, but more worth laughing at than cringing. How he got away with that stunt, I'll never know. Oh, wait. Scriptwriting. Of course! :P
  • tehperson123412 - February 12, 2009 11:59 p.m.

    sonelise doesn't even look like sonic it looks live some sh***y cross-over with a franchise that hardly anyone knows or cares about.
  • Filer007 - February 12, 2009 11:32 p.m.

    Oh I wish upon a star, that the last kiss was seen from so far, we couldn't see it. God I epreciate my girlfriend.
  • infiniti101 - February 10, 2009 5:31 p.m.

    Eugh... *shudders*
  • Dr.Salvador - February 10, 2009 11:48 a.m.

    lol o ye by the way... BLARGH!!!!!!!
  • dougle - February 10, 2009 9:53 a.m.

    i hate video game kisses with the exception being jak & ashlyn(or is that ashlin?..no matter)at the end of jak3
  • Ravenbom - February 10, 2009 5:24 a.m.

    @ iluvmyDS that's not the canonical ending. That's like the 4th or 5th ending that you can get. You have to beat the game and get the first ending that you can get, and start a new game + and then do a few things in a certain way at a certain time to get that ending. So it's not actually a spoiler. Unless you're pissed off that you know who did the "Sound Program" now. @ Charlie, best top 7 you've done yet. Maybe the best GR article this year so far. Probably because it ends with my long time crush Jenny Lewis. I'm expecting you on TalkRadar this week since you did the Top7 this week. Don't let me down.
  • iKOemos - February 10, 2009 3:01 a.m.

    You weren't lying Charlie, reading this article made me experience actual physical pain.
  • MadCowDisease - February 10, 2009 1:52 a.m.

    Wooooooooah.
  • Romination - February 10, 2009 1:18 a.m.

    C. Bar!!!! Uh...i don't think that last one's a game.. although Fred Savage's score just went through the roof! Cha-ching!!
  • shadowdude - February 10, 2009 1:12 a.m.

    lol the chrono trigger one is funny as hell,unlocked that ending shortly after reading this
  • iluvmyDS - February 10, 2009 1:06 a.m.

    Nice job with the top 7 Mr. Barrat. No thanks for the Chrono Trigger "spoiler" though.
  • curly_jefferson - February 10, 2009 12:57 a.m.

    what the hell are the people at sonic team retarded. i mean i knew they had a nack for making bad games but that romance sub plot is the kind if shit you think will be a great idea when your reeeaaly drunk.
  • somthing42 - February 10, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    b-b-b-b-boner shrinkage!

Showing 1-20 of 57 comments

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