The Top 7... Cringeworthy Kisses


The game: Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast

The couple: Our hero, Kyle Katarn, is a dashing mercenary and former Jedi Knight. Our heroine, Jan Ors, is a beautiful starship pilot and former Rebel spy. Both are extremely attractive, talented and respected across the galaxy – the Brangelina of Star Wars, if you will. Too bad their last make out session occurred on a Pentium II.

The moment of horror: Compared to some of the unholy unions elsewhere on our list, we don’t really mind the thought of these characters hooking up. Seven years ago, we didn’t really mind the sight of these characters hooking up, either. Today, however, their kiss falls directly into the lowest and most disturbing point of the dreaded “uncanny valley.”

uncanny valley - the hypothesis that when robots and other facsimiles look and act almost human, it causes a response of revulsion in actual humans

Never experienced the effect? Here you go.

See? While they look just real enough to make you care, they also look just unreal enough to scare the crap out of you. The stiff movements... the glassy eyes... the unhinged jaws... the factory efficient necking. You can almost hear the gears grinding as these two abominations go at it. Is this a tender love scene or a particularly brutal episode of Battle Bots? According to the uncanny valley theory, the latter would actually be more romantic.


The game: Enter the Matrix

The couple: ZOMG WHO $#*&^3!(*
GIVZ A SH1T D00D????
HAWT GURLZ MAKIN’’’ OUT!!!11111111111111111111

The moment of horror: What could possibly be so bad about two female characters kissing in a videogame? Especially when they’re appearing in the highly anticipated offshoot of the geekgasmic Matrix trilogy?
Particularly when the actresses portraying them look like this?

In fact, the mere possibility of such a moment helped sell the game. The mere rumor of such a moment certainly helped keep rental numbers healthy, long after the overwhelmingly negative reviews had done their damage. This kiss is the sole reason many people even bothered playing Enter the Matrix. So what, exactly, could ruin this significant smooch?

Oh, that’s right – only one woman, Monica Bellucci, showed up for the scene. The other, Jada Pinkett Smith, opted for more of an “expressionless wax mannequin” performance that day. Silly thing, that’s Keanu Reeves’s role!


Top 7


  • Mecha - January 3, 2010 1:15 a.m.

  • tvGamer13 - October 21, 2009 11:10 p.m.

    That was so creepy with the audio clip ang the wizard
  • CARLINNIT - July 30, 2009 7:51 p.m.

    But Indigo Prophecy is so awesome! In the UK version, there is a playable sex scene. Awkward.
  • albinomonkey90 - May 9, 2009 11:53 p.m.

    Sonic and Elise? isnt that illegal
  • willyfoureyes - February 28, 2009 11:38 a.m.

    Poor Fred Sav--I mean Cory Woods. He'll forever have those cries of "AHHHHH! He touched my breast!" stuck in his head. That's the closest he's ever going to get to scoring with Haley.
  • Melik - February 18, 2009 6:43 p.m.

    What About San Andreas Co-Op Kiss?
  • Stuffgamer1 - February 13, 2009 3:30 p.m.

    That kiss in Enter the Matrix was obviously SUPPOSED to be like that because the woman was being FORCED to kiss. If you really expect her to show boatloads of hot romance under those circumstances, you're obviously paying too much attention to the kiss and not enough to the story. I also disagree that the kiss the The Wizard was cringe-inducing. Kinda stupid, yeah, but more worth laughing at than cringing. How he got away with that stunt, I'll never know. Oh, wait. Scriptwriting. Of course! :P
  • tehperson123412 - February 12, 2009 11:59 p.m.

    sonelise doesn't even look like sonic it looks live some sh***y cross-over with a franchise that hardly anyone knows or cares about.
  • Filer007 - February 12, 2009 11:32 p.m.

    Oh I wish upon a star, that the last kiss was seen from so far, we couldn't see it. God I epreciate my girlfriend.
  • infiniti101 - February 10, 2009 5:31 p.m.

    Eugh... *shudders*
  • Dr.Salvador - February 10, 2009 11:48 a.m.

    lol o ye by the way... BLARGH!!!!!!!
  • dougle - February 10, 2009 9:53 a.m.

    i hate video game kisses with the exception being jak & ashlyn(or is that ashlin? matter)at the end of jak3
  • Ravenbom - February 10, 2009 5:24 a.m.

    @ iluvmyDS that's not the canonical ending. That's like the 4th or 5th ending that you can get. You have to beat the game and get the first ending that you can get, and start a new game + and then do a few things in a certain way at a certain time to get that ending. So it's not actually a spoiler. Unless you're pissed off that you know who did the "Sound Program" now. @ Charlie, best top 7 you've done yet. Maybe the best GR article this year so far. Probably because it ends with my long time crush Jenny Lewis. I'm expecting you on TalkRadar this week since you did the Top7 this week. Don't let me down.
  • iKOemos - February 10, 2009 3:01 a.m.

    You weren't lying Charlie, reading this article made me experience actual physical pain.
  • MadCowDisease - February 10, 2009 1:52 a.m.

  • Romination - February 10, 2009 1:18 a.m.

    C. Bar!!!! Uh...i don't think that last one's a game.. although Fred Savage's score just went through the roof! Cha-ching!!
  • shadowdude - February 10, 2009 1:12 a.m.

    lol the chrono trigger one is funny as hell,unlocked that ending shortly after reading this
  • iluvmyDS - February 10, 2009 1:06 a.m.

    Nice job with the top 7 Mr. Barrat. No thanks for the Chrono Trigger "spoiler" though.
  • curly_jefferson - February 10, 2009 12:57 a.m.

    what the hell are the people at sonic team retarded. i mean i knew they had a nack for making bad games but that romance sub plot is the kind if shit you think will be a great idea when your reeeaaly drunk.
  • somthing42 - February 10, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    b-b-b-b-boner shrinkage!

Showing 1-20 of 57 comments

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