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The Top 7... Cringeworthy Kisses

Can you smell it? Valentine’s Day is almost upon us and romance, apparently, is in the air. Everywhere you go this week, society will try to force some form of market-tested, corporate-sponsored love down your throat. Television, radio, newspapers, magazines, shopping malls and, of course, websites... nowhere is safe.

Except here! Since videogames are notoriously inept at rendering romance on the screen, we’re celebrating the “holiday” with these seven most embarrassing and excruciating examples. Beware - the following kisses are so bizarre, so disgusting or so damn awkward that they could literally cause you physical pain.

Let’s get ready to gag, shall we?

 

The game: Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)

The couple: One is a spiky-haired teenager known for his record-breaking speed and epic adventures. The other is a fair and kind-hearted princess, kidnapped from her kingdom by nefarious evildoers. More importantly, one is a friggin’ hedgehog and the other is a human being.

The moment of horror: Can we just get this one out of the way, please? We could accept the interspecies thing, even if watching Elise kiss Sonic is the equivalent of watching Cinderella make out with Mickey Mouse. We could forget the constant cuddling, heavy petting and shiny-eyed soul-searching, even if their inclusion reduced an already terrible game into possibly the worst game of this decade.

What we will never, ever forgive is the excuse this infamous scene gave to the internet... a free pass to produce as many nauseating montage clips as YouTube could hold. Did the world really need to see Sonic and Elise rolling through the grass to the tune of “A Whole New World”? Was Amy’s jealousy truly worthy of a “Sk8ter Boi” tribute? Are fans seriously dividing themselves into “SonElise” and “SonAmy” camps?

The spiral of sugar-coated shame hurts our brains and our stomachs. Enjoy.


 

The game: Indigo Prophecy
(aka Fahrenheit)

The couple: Carla is a claustrophobic police detective who falls in love with the brutal murderer she was supposed to arrest. Lucas is a simple computer technician who not only becomes that murderer, but also gains the powers of telekinesis and flight. Compared to the cringeworthy circumstances surrounding their kiss, however, these descriptions seem almost mundane...

The moment of horror: Remember the end of The Sixth Sense, when you discovered that Bruce Willis was a ghost? Now imagine that Bruce Willis was a frozen corpse and that The Sixth Sense ended with a graphic sex scene. That’s what you’re forced to experience in Indigo Prophecy.

Yes, the albino complexion is no coincidence. That dude is dead and that lady is totally sucking his rotting cadaver face. Stranger still, he died by falling off a roller coaster. Strangest of all, she ends up marrying him and carrying his baby. We’re pretty sure he’s alive again by that point, but considering how ridiculously screwed up this game is during its second half, we can’t be sure. She might be a pregnant roller coaster and he might be a dead baby. The kiss might be less creepy that way.

 

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57 comments

  • Gahmah - February 9, 2009 9:58 p.m.

    huh... oh yeah.... GURHAAHAHGAHHAHAJURKA;SDKFJ
  • ModernCreed - February 9, 2009 9:59 p.m.

    God damn that's the second time I have missed a first by like a second
  • Ramen_Soup - February 9, 2009 10:20 p.m.

    This is bananas
  • Samael - February 9, 2009 10:44 p.m.

    I nearly jumped when I saw that last shot....
  • Rattlehead - February 9, 2009 11:49 p.m.

    I dont see what was so bad about Enter the Matrix
  • i_r_accurate - February 10, 2009 12:11 a.m.

    AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HE TOUCHED MY BREAST!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahha lolololollolololololololololololololololololol!!!!!!
  • screath - February 10, 2009 12:55 a.m.

    The ending for Indigo prophecy is actually not set in stone. You can play the game many different ways.
  • Red - February 10, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    Indigo Prophecy was a good game. I'm gonna go play that now. Plus I don't think I ever went for the alternate endings, so there's something to shoot for.
  • Kerfluffle - February 10, 2009 2:38 a.m.

    So I take it there aren't any cringe-worthy kisses in Gabriel Knight, Mr. Barrat?
  • Yellowhat17 - February 10, 2009 2:40 a.m.

    I'm going to be so pissed off if I get that ending to Chrono Trigger. That's one of the most anti-climatic, yet funny endings in a video game.
  • BlackElement17 - February 10, 2009 2:43 a.m.

    Good list but im suprised the borderkine beastiality isnt higher. A paticularly strong reaction listed bellow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5b5PIHP9SA&feature=PlayList&p=5910087E67EEF87D&index=1
  • rollaire - February 10, 2009 3:21 a.m.

    Excellent dude, that was awesome! RT www.anonymity-tools.us.tc
  • TheKitchenSink - February 10, 2009 4:36 a.m.

    Necrophelic kiss also takes place in Drakengard.
  • it_burns - February 10, 2009 12:45 p.m.

    I didn't really mind the Jedi Outcast kiss back then, but now that I look back on it, I'll have to agree that it was creepy as hell.
  • NelosAngelos - February 10, 2009 5:44 p.m.

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhaaaaaaaccccckkkkk!!!!!!!!
  • cart00n - February 10, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    So, in Chobits, you attempt to kiss someone, and when you do, the ground swallows them up and they toss money bags at you? How does an idea like that even get off of the drawing board?
  • Lrd_Chikn - February 11, 2009 4:55 a.m.

    Why am I the only one who thinks enter the matrix is a good game? Nice article especially the end where the kid just stares at you.
  • Octaviux - February 11, 2009 6:26 a.m.

    Pippy long stalking just pwnd that kids mouth
  • SuperStingray - February 11, 2009 8:44 p.m.

    I don't see the big deal with the Sonic-Elise kiss. It's no worse than any other interspecies relationship that went on throughout the series. Besides, it's hardly anything when you look at the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon where Sonic crossdressed, kissed and legally married Robotnik without any known divorce. (It's true, see the episode Best Hedgehog)
  • PanzerDSS - February 13, 2009 1:54 p.m.

    That Sonic kiss is an affront to God himself.

Showing 1-20 of 57 comments

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