The Top 7... Cringeworthy Kisses

When these characters lock lips, the results are more repulsive than romantic

The game: Chrono Trigger

The couple: Once upon a time, there was a frog. The amphibious fellow, though monstrous in appearance, was actually a noble adventurer, transformed by dark magic long ago. Now, with his true identity revealed, he gets to marry the girl, rule the kingdom and live happily ever after. Sounds like a classic fairy tale, no?

The moment of horror: Chrono Trigger is famous for including over a dozen alternate endings, many of them beyond bizarre. This one might be the most twisted. Here’s why.

In storybooks, the cursed beast is supposed to return to human form before marrying the princess. Here, he’s still a slimy frog. In storybooks, the bride is supposed to be willing and available. Here, she’s the queen and, we assume, still married to

the king. In storybooks, the couple is supposed to share a storybook kiss. Here, we the lady’s face must have resembled a large and particularly juicy fly...

The kiss, however, is in the game’s past. Far more sickening are the implications of what you discover in the present. Townspeople now hop rather than walk. The royal family now croak instead of talk. The kingdom is now half-amphibian, clearly descended from both the frog and the queen. Connect the dots, people... they shared more thana tongue.

The game: Chulip

The couple: You and the girl of your dreams.
As the unpopular new kid in town, though, you don’t really know her yet. Or anyone else, for that matter. Getting close and bringing this wishful fantasy to life, then, will surely be the focus of a sweeping romantic epic filled with charm, whimsy and innocence. Then again, this is a Japanese import...

The moment(s) of horror: Although a cringeworthy kiss will make your skin crawl, your stomach turn and your eyes shrink back into their sockets, it normally doesn’t last longer than a few torturous minutes. Survive and you’ll still have the rest of the game to enjoy. Unless, of course, the entire game is a cringeworthy kiss.

Well, guess what? Chulip is that game. The dream girl won’t kiss you until you’ve improved your “reputation” and written a “killer love letter.” Apparently, these are just fanciful Japanese euphemisms for “act like a dirty whore,” because all you really do is run around town, attempting to swap spit with anyone and everyone you can find.

Men. Women. Aliens, zombies, scarecrows and dinosaurs. Underground mutants, cemetery dwellers and S&M enthusiasts. Guys who rummage through garbage and other guys who suspend themselves from the ceiling with chains. Your prostitute of a hero will pucker up for them all – he has absolutely no standards, no qualms and no limitations in his pursuit for love. And after going through so much to reach her, the kiss with the annoying object of his affection might be the most cringeworthy of all.


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