The Top 7... Cringeworthy Kisses

When these characters lock lips, the results are more repulsive than romantic

The game: Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast

The couple: Our hero, Kyle Katarn, is a dashing mercenary and former Jedi Knight. Our heroine, Jan Ors, is a beautiful starship pilot and former Rebel spy. Both are extremely attractive, talented and respected across the galaxy – theBrangelinaof Star Wars, if you will. Too bad their last make out session occurred on a Pentium II.

The moment of horror: Compared to some of the unholy unions elsewhere on our list, we don’t really mind the thought of these characters hooking up. Seven years ago, we didn’t really mind the sight of these characters hooking up, either. Today, however, their kiss falls directly into the lowest and most disturbing point of the dreaded “uncanny valley.”

uncanny valley- the hypothesis that when robots and other facsimiles look and act almost human, it causes a response of revulsion in actual humans

Never experienced the effect? Here you go.

See? While they look just real enough to make you care, they also look just unreal enough to scare the crap out of you. The stiff movements... the glassy eyes... the unhinged jaws... the factory efficient necking. You can almost hear the gears grinding as these two abominations go at it. Is this a tender love scene or a particularly brutal episode of Battle Bots? According to the uncanny valley theory, the latter would actually be more romantic.


The game: Enter the Matrix

The couple: ZOMG WHO $#*&^3!(*
GIVZ A SH1T D00D????
HAWT GURLZ MAKIN’’’ OUT!!!11111111111111111111

The moment of horror: What could possibly be so bad about two female characters kissing in a videogame? Especially when they’re appearing in the highly anticipated offshoot of the geekgasmic Matrix trilogy?
Particularly when the actresses portraying them look like this?

In fact, the mere possibility of such a moment helped sell the game. The mere rumor of such a moment certainly helped keep rental numbers healthy, long after the overwhelmingly negative reviews had done their damage. This kiss is the sole reason many people even bothered playing Enter the Matrix. So what, exactly, could ruin this significant smooch?

Oh, that’s right – only one woman, Monica Bellucci, showed up for the scene. The other, Jada Pinkett Smith, opted for more of an “expressionless wax mannequin” performance that day. Silly thing, that’s Keanu Reeves’s role!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I enjoy sunshine, the company of kittens and turning frowns upside down. I am also a fan of sarcasm. Let's be friends!
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