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The Top 7... Cringeworthy Kisses

Can you smell it? Valentine’s Day is almost upon us and romance, apparently, is in the air. Everywhere you go this week, society will try to force some form of market-tested, corporate-sponsored love down your throat. Television, radio, newspapers, magazines, shopping malls and, of course, websites... nowhere is safe.

Except here! Since videogames are notoriously inept at rendering romance on the screen, we’re celebrating the “holiday” with these seven most embarrassing and excruciating examples. Beware - the following kisses are so bizarre, so disgusting or so damn awkward that they could literally cause you physical pain.

Let’s get ready to gag, shall we?

 

The game: Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)

The couple: One is a spiky-haired teenager known for his record-breaking speed and epic adventures. The other is a fair and kind-hearted princess, kidnapped from her kingdom by nefarious evildoers. More importantly, one is a friggin’ hedgehog and the other is a human being.

The moment of horror: Can we just get this one out of the way, please? We could accept the interspecies thing, even if watching Elise kiss Sonic is the equivalent of watching Cinderella make out with Mickey Mouse. We could forget the constant cuddling, heavy petting and shiny-eyed soul-searching, even if their inclusion reduced an already terrible game into possibly the worst game of this decade.

What we will never, ever forgive is the excuse this infamous scene gave to the internet... a free pass to produce as many nauseating montage clips as YouTube could hold. Did the world really need to see Sonic and Elise rolling through the grass to the tune of “A Whole New World”? Was Amy’s jealousy truly worthy of a “Sk8ter Boi” tribute? Are fans seriously dividing themselves into “SonElise” and “SonAmy” camps?

The spiral of sugar-coated shame hurts our brains and our stomachs. Enjoy.


 

The game: Indigo Prophecy
(aka Fahrenheit)

The couple: Carla is a claustrophobic police detective who falls in love with the brutal murderer she was supposed to arrest. Lucas is a simple computer technician who not only becomes that murderer, but also gains the powers of telekinesis and flight. Compared to the cringeworthy circumstances surrounding their kiss, however, these descriptions seem almost mundane...

The moment of horror: Remember the end of The Sixth Sense, when you discovered that Bruce Willis was a ghost? Now imagine that Bruce Willis was a frozen corpse and that The Sixth Sense ended with a graphic sex scene. That’s what you’re forced to experience in Indigo Prophecy.

Yes, the albino complexion is no coincidence. That dude is dead and that lady is totally sucking his rotting cadaver face. Stranger still, he died by falling off a roller coaster. Strangest of all, she ends up marrying him and carrying his baby. We’re pretty sure he’s alive again by that point, but considering how ridiculously screwed up this game is during its second half, we can’t be sure. She might be a pregnant roller coaster and he might be a dead baby. The kiss might be less creepy that way.

 

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57 comments

  • Mecha - January 3, 2010 1:15 a.m.

    UH!!!!Sick.
  • tvGamer13 - October 21, 2009 11:10 p.m.

    That was so creepy with the audio clip ang the wizard
  • CARLINNIT - July 30, 2009 7:51 p.m.

    But Indigo Prophecy is so awesome! In the UK version, there is a playable sex scene. Awkward.
  • albinomonkey90 - May 9, 2009 11:53 p.m.

    Sonic and Elise? isnt that illegal
  • willyfoureyes - February 28, 2009 11:38 a.m.

    Poor Fred Sav--I mean Cory Woods. He'll forever have those cries of "AHHHHH! He touched my breast!" stuck in his head. That's the closest he's ever going to get to scoring with Haley.
  • Melik - February 18, 2009 6:43 p.m.

    What About San Andreas Co-Op Kiss?
  • Stuffgamer1 - February 13, 2009 3:30 p.m.

    That kiss in Enter the Matrix was obviously SUPPOSED to be like that because the woman was being FORCED to kiss. If you really expect her to show boatloads of hot romance under those circumstances, you're obviously paying too much attention to the kiss and not enough to the story. I also disagree that the kiss the The Wizard was cringe-inducing. Kinda stupid, yeah, but more worth laughing at than cringing. How he got away with that stunt, I'll never know. Oh, wait. Scriptwriting. Of course! :P
  • tehperson123412 - February 12, 2009 11:59 p.m.

    sonelise doesn't even look like sonic it looks live some sh***y cross-over with a franchise that hardly anyone knows or cares about.
  • Filer007 - February 12, 2009 11:32 p.m.

    Oh I wish upon a star, that the last kiss was seen from so far, we couldn't see it. God I epreciate my girlfriend.
  • infiniti101 - February 10, 2009 5:31 p.m.

    Eugh... *shudders*
  • Dr.Salvador - February 10, 2009 11:48 a.m.

    lol o ye by the way... BLARGH!!!!!!!
  • dougle - February 10, 2009 9:53 a.m.

    i hate video game kisses with the exception being jak & ashlyn(or is that ashlin?..no matter)at the end of jak3
  • Ravenbom - February 10, 2009 5:24 a.m.

    @ iluvmyDS that's not the canonical ending. That's like the 4th or 5th ending that you can get. You have to beat the game and get the first ending that you can get, and start a new game + and then do a few things in a certain way at a certain time to get that ending. So it's not actually a spoiler. Unless you're pissed off that you know who did the "Sound Program" now. @ Charlie, best top 7 you've done yet. Maybe the best GR article this year so far. Probably because it ends with my long time crush Jenny Lewis. I'm expecting you on TalkRadar this week since you did the Top7 this week. Don't let me down.
  • iKOemos - February 10, 2009 3:01 a.m.

    You weren't lying Charlie, reading this article made me experience actual physical pain.
  • MadCowDisease - February 10, 2009 1:52 a.m.

    Wooooooooah.
  • Romination - February 10, 2009 1:18 a.m.

    C. Bar!!!! Uh...i don't think that last one's a game.. although Fred Savage's score just went through the roof! Cha-ching!!
  • shadowdude - February 10, 2009 1:12 a.m.

    lol the chrono trigger one is funny as hell,unlocked that ending shortly after reading this
  • iluvmyDS - February 10, 2009 1:06 a.m.

    Nice job with the top 7 Mr. Barrat. No thanks for the Chrono Trigger "spoiler" though.
  • curly_jefferson - February 10, 2009 12:57 a.m.

    what the hell are the people at sonic team retarded. i mean i knew they had a nack for making bad games but that romance sub plot is the kind if shit you think will be a great idea when your reeeaaly drunk.
  • somthing42 - February 10, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    b-b-b-b-boner shrinkage!

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