Can you smell it? Valentine’s Day is almost upon us and romance, apparently, is in the air. Everywhere you go this week, society will try to force some form of market-tested, corporate-sponsored love down your throat. Television, radio, newspapers, magazines, shopping malls and, of course, websites... nowhere is safe.
Except here! Since videogames are notoriously inept at rendering romance on the screen, we’re celebrating the “holiday” with these seven most embarrassing and excruciating examples. Beware - the following kisses are so bizarre, so disgusting or so damn awkward that they could literally cause you physical pain.
Let’s get ready to gag, shall we?
The game: Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)
The couple: One is a spiky-haired teenager known for his record-breaking speed and epic adventures. The other is a fair and kind-hearted princess, kidnapped from her kingdom by nefarious evildoers. More importantly, one is a friggin’ hedgehog and the other is a human being.
The moment of horror: Can we just get this one out of the way, please? We could accept the interspecies thing, even if watching Elise kiss Sonic is the equivalent of watching Cinderella make out with Mickey Mouse. We could forget the constant cuddling, heavy petting and shiny-eyed soul-searching, even if their inclusion reduced an already terrible game into possibly the worst game of this decade.
What we will never, ever forgive is the excuse this infamous scene gave to the internet... a free pass to produce as many nauseating montage clips as YouTube could hold. Did the world really need to see Sonic and Elise rolling through the grass to the tune of “A Whole New World”? Was Amy’s jealousy truly worthy of a “Sk8ter Boi” tribute? Are fans seriously dividing themselves into “SonElise” and “SonAmy” camps?
The spiral of sugar-coated shame hurts our brains and our stomachs. Enjoy.
The game: Indigo Prophecy
The couple: Carla is a claustrophobic police detective who falls in love with the brutal murderer she was supposed to arrest. Lucas is a simple computer technician who not only becomes that murderer, but also gains the powers of telekinesis and flight. Compared to the cringeworthy circumstances surrounding their kiss, however, these descriptions seem almost mundane...
The moment of horror: Remember the end of The Sixth Sense, when you discovered that Bruce Willis was a ghost? Now imagine that Bruce Willis was a frozen corpse and that The Sixth Sense ended with a graphic sex scene. That’s what you’re forced to experience in Indigo Prophecy.
Yes, the albino complexion is no coincidence. That dude is dead and that lady is totally sucking his rotting cadaver face. Stranger still, he died by falling off a roller coaster. Strangest of all, she ends up marrying him and carrying his baby. We’re pretty sure he’s alive again by that point, but considering how ridiculously screwed up this game is during its second half, we can’t be sure. She might be a pregnant roller coaster and he might be a dead baby. The kiss might be less creepy that way.