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The Top 7... Biggest drunks in games

Vlad | GTA IV

Liberty City’s most loathsome loan shark is good at many things. Intimidating fat taxi owners. Repulsing women. Being a sadistic ass. Making vodka-endorsed escapes from amoral Balkan assassins in anticlimactic car chases? Not so much. And, after spending the game’s first few hours knocking back PissWassers and Comrade’s cheapest spirits, it’s no surprise to see him crash his car then drunkenly beg for his life.

It says volumes for the abilities of alcohol to make a person feel massively self-important when you’ve got Vlad calling Niko a peasant, even though he himself drinks at the cheapest bar in the city, drives unreliable motors and wears the kind of flea-ridden suit and sweater combos that went out of fashion with Tubbs and Crockett. Also, how drunk do you have to be to employ a man who blows up cop cars and has an unhealthy obsession with capping pigeons, and then act surprised when he sinks a slug in your colon?

Alco-reading:

Soda Popinski | Super Punch-Out!!

It’s a certain type of alcoholic that’s so free from the stigma of their disease they’re quite happy to down some premium Russian vodka in front of a crowd of thousands. Soda Popinski, or Vodka Drunkinski - his original racial slur of a moniker – is that type of alcoholic. As happy at lubricating his larynx with booze as smashing skulls in the boxing ring, Popinski was a true pioneer of 8-bit drunks. During a time when the biggest problems most games characters faced were 7ft jumps, megalomaniacal doctors or collecting precariously placed 1ups; Soda was facing the demons of vodka dependency.

Not that we had much sympathy, mind. His ‘how the hell is that legal?’ low hook, which was more like a shoulder ram, floored us more times than we care to admit. Far from impeding his motor functions or hand-eye coordination, the pre and post-bout booze didn’t stop him from performing one of the most lethal moves in the game. There’s a lesson for all aspiring boxers. Forget sports psychology, rigorous training and a healthy diet. All you need is 8-bit vodka sprites.

Alco-reading:

Conker | Conker’s Bad Fur Day

What’s more endearing than an intoxicated cartoon squirrel? An intoxicated cartoon squirrel who’s thrust into a series of misadventures involving more swearing than a Tarantino movie marathon, parodies of every 90s action film you can think of and fights with massive piles of shit. Thank God for the rodent’s love for lager, because, without it, we’d have ended up with Twelve Tales: Conker 64. As much as we love insipidly cheerful soundtracks and frolicking around with nuts, we think we prefer seeing squirrels getting tanked, dropping villagers into giant mincers and shooting teddy bears in the face.

Conker’s Bad Fur Day was bravely pioneering drunken gameplay long before Mr. Bellic ever kissed the kerb outside Comrades. The fact that the drunken tutorial and the bit where you relieve yourself on some diminutive devils got approved, particularly on the family-friendly N64, was also a censor-baiting miracle. Now, if only Rare could get cracking on a sequel that lets you swirl gin while throwing grenades. Then we’d be happy.

Alco-reading:

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28 comments

  • Airhead - January 8, 2009 3:46 a.m.

    You forgot the guy from Dead Or Alive. Can't remember his name. Stupid Captcha!!!!!!!!!!
  • Baconator - January 6, 2009 5:24 p.m.

    they forgot misha from mercs 2
  • phoenix_wings - January 6, 2009 7:58 a.m.

    Good article. It takes some work to figure out the different types of alcoholics in games. This will be one fun AA meeting.
  • ELpork - January 6, 2009 4:37 a.m.

    YES SHUN DI!!!!!!!!! MY MAN!!!!!!!!
  • TheSuburbiaRuins - January 6, 2009 1:45 a.m.

    Just not really likin this Top.. Just seems kinda thrown together, Sorry. :/
  • Curtis_Stone - January 5, 2009 11:56 p.m.

    Ha this is a great top 7!! My friends both fall into #'s 1 & 2 One is the "Escape From Reality" drunk, this past weekend he was definitely not in normalcy! My other friend was without a doubt "Can't Make A Move Without a Drink" in more ways than one; He will NOT get on the dance floor without at least 5-6 jagerbombs and countless beers, and as far as talking to anyone, he won't do it unless he's falling over!! od, I hate being the DD!! Ah, mermories! Thnx guys!!
  • Y2Ken - January 5, 2009 7:33 p.m.

    Good article. Don't think I'd have put Vlad as the biggest GTA IV drunkard though, and surely your character in Fallout 3 should be there... My guy is currently battling against a craving for some delicious Whiskey...
  • heartskuppy - January 5, 2009 7:27 p.m.

    there really needs to be an option to delete comments.
  • heartskuppy - January 5, 2009 7:22 p.m.

    "more important stuff"? captainducktacular, i think you are on the wrong website.
  • averagejoe - January 5, 2009 6:35 p.m.

    Wow, really? I'm suprised to hear no mention of the protagonist from Bioshock. That guy hits the sauce hard, you know? And he shakes off two bottles of bourbon in seconds. What a stud. Would you kindly include him next time? :)
  • CaptainDucktacular - January 5, 2009 6:08 p.m.

    This wasn't my fav for sure. I think you guys should focus more on gettin the important stuff out there. I also think you should make some sort of article on Call of Duty: World at War stating the top 7 reasons it rocks, cause a lot of people bash it on this site. And I think you should have a list of what you expect from Call of Duty 4 modern warfare 2.
  • DontPanic - January 5, 2009 6:07 p.m.

    Nice, can't wait for the Tdar discussion on this one.
  • CaptainDucktacular - January 5, 2009 6:01 p.m.

    lol Amy whinehouse. This was pretty weak compared to other lists on the site, but okay. I love drinkin in GTA, especially when my pals get hit by cars lol.
  • Skidd - January 5, 2009 4:37 p.m.

    A very ''different'' type of top-7. Conker was always my favourite drunkard in games.
  • nervedamaged - January 13, 2009 2:40 a.m.

    Don't forget the other 'drunken Santa' from 'Bully', lot's of drunk santas out there
  • katana456 - January 9, 2009 11:29 p.m.

    #1 for mine would have been Bo Rai' cho from Mortal kombat he barfs from his drinking as a technique
  • oryandymackie - January 7, 2009 8:51 p.m.

    OMG, captain ducktacular, do you want this tailor made? Mind you, only someone so uncool as to put "Captain" before their "palname" would spout such garbage. Go away.
  • mr-grizzly - January 7, 2009 8:29 p.m.

    Two words: "Magnus Armstrong"
  • Xplosive59 - January 7, 2009 6:19 p.m.

    not bad ..... not good either where the hell is the protagonist from oblivion, fable, fallout or anything like that
  • evildevil2 - January 6, 2009 3:32 p.m.

    I ment "WAMMO!" but the thing screwed it up...

Showing 1-20 of 28 comments

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