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The Top 7... Biggest drunks in games

From making you more attractive to the opposite sex, increasing powers of communication or making you feel all sophisticated by swirling a glass of brandy in your palm; alcohol, as Homer Simpson once said, truly is the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. So, to celebrate the wonder of liquid refreshment of an alcoholic nature, here's a list of gaming’s biggest drunks and the perils and pitfalls each have faced thanks to their passion for hops, spirits and wines.

Granin | Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

There are many good reasons to drink. To make yourself feel important. To come up with brilliant ideas that could only ever conceivably work while under the influence. To console the pain of having your really awesome Metal Gears scrapped for the Shagohod - aka the clunkiest, most useless nuclear tank ever built. Inconsolable hurt or not though, we think knocking back the Kremlin’s finest liver-hating fuel before sunrise is pushing it just a tad. But that’s exactly what Granin does for his entire pre-dawn slur fest with Snake.

Still, the Ruskie scientist keeps it together well enough to relay some pretty detailed directions to Snake, as well as imparting his opinions on all things capitalism. And, considering he was mere hours away from being beaten into a bloody pulp at the electrified fists of main baddie Volgin, having a few final belts to take the edge off all that pesky mutilation and murder was probably a good idea.

Alco-reading:





Santa | Hitman: Blood Money

Ah, Blood Money’s soused Santa, we barely knew ye… probably because we either strangled, stabbed or suffocated you. Swaggering about like that embarrassing drunk uncle who always ruins family occasions, the Chris Cringle impostor cuts a drunken and soon to be doomed figure. This being the wonderfully lurid and perverted universe of Hitman, though, he’s still the most sensible character at a mansion-based, mountaintop Christmas soirée that includes a reclusive porn baron, a hooker-beating politician’s son and a female assassin with a fiendish festive surprise.



In a mansion with a cloned assassin who strangles people with cheese wire, being off your face – thus leaving your neck exposed for a nice slitting or syringing – might not seem like the best idea. Look at it pragmatically, though, and his alcohol addiction is easily as effective a form of defence against slaphead-sponsored death as using the world’s smallest and most easily poisoned mutt as a guard dog or sitting in a ludicrously breakable overhanging Jacuzzi. We’ll take booze-numbed death over spleen-shattering falls anytime, thank you.

Alco-reading:

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28 comments

  • Airhead - January 8, 2009 3:46 a.m.

    You forgot the guy from Dead Or Alive. Can't remember his name. Stupid Captcha!!!!!!!!!!
  • Baconator - January 6, 2009 5:24 p.m.

    they forgot misha from mercs 2
  • phoenix_wings - January 6, 2009 7:58 a.m.

    Good article. It takes some work to figure out the different types of alcoholics in games. This will be one fun AA meeting.
  • ELpork - January 6, 2009 4:37 a.m.

    YES SHUN DI!!!!!!!!! MY MAN!!!!!!!!
  • TheSuburbiaRuins - January 6, 2009 1:45 a.m.

    Just not really likin this Top.. Just seems kinda thrown together, Sorry. :/
  • Curtis_Stone - January 5, 2009 11:56 p.m.

    Ha this is a great top 7!! My friends both fall into #'s 1 & 2 One is the "Escape From Reality" drunk, this past weekend he was definitely not in normalcy! My other friend was without a doubt "Can't Make A Move Without a Drink" in more ways than one; He will NOT get on the dance floor without at least 5-6 jagerbombs and countless beers, and as far as talking to anyone, he won't do it unless he's falling over!! od, I hate being the DD!! Ah, mermories! Thnx guys!!
  • Y2Ken - January 5, 2009 7:33 p.m.

    Good article. Don't think I'd have put Vlad as the biggest GTA IV drunkard though, and surely your character in Fallout 3 should be there... My guy is currently battling against a craving for some delicious Whiskey...
  • heartskuppy - January 5, 2009 7:27 p.m.

    there really needs to be an option to delete comments.
  • heartskuppy - January 5, 2009 7:22 p.m.

    "more important stuff"? captainducktacular, i think you are on the wrong website.
  • averagejoe - January 5, 2009 6:35 p.m.

    Wow, really? I'm suprised to hear no mention of the protagonist from Bioshock. That guy hits the sauce hard, you know? And he shakes off two bottles of bourbon in seconds. What a stud. Would you kindly include him next time? :)
  • CaptainDucktacular - January 5, 2009 6:08 p.m.

    This wasn't my fav for sure. I think you guys should focus more on gettin the important stuff out there. I also think you should make some sort of article on Call of Duty: World at War stating the top 7 reasons it rocks, cause a lot of people bash it on this site. And I think you should have a list of what you expect from Call of Duty 4 modern warfare 2.
  • DontPanic - January 5, 2009 6:07 p.m.

    Nice, can't wait for the Tdar discussion on this one.
  • CaptainDucktacular - January 5, 2009 6:01 p.m.

    lol Amy whinehouse. This was pretty weak compared to other lists on the site, but okay. I love drinkin in GTA, especially when my pals get hit by cars lol.
  • Skidd - January 5, 2009 4:37 p.m.

    A very ''different'' type of top-7. Conker was always my favourite drunkard in games.
  • nervedamaged - January 13, 2009 2:40 a.m.

    Don't forget the other 'drunken Santa' from 'Bully', lot's of drunk santas out there
  • katana456 - January 9, 2009 11:29 p.m.

    #1 for mine would have been Bo Rai' cho from Mortal kombat he barfs from his drinking as a technique
  • oryandymackie - January 7, 2009 8:51 p.m.

    OMG, captain ducktacular, do you want this tailor made? Mind you, only someone so uncool as to put "Captain" before their "palname" would spout such garbage. Go away.
  • mr-grizzly - January 7, 2009 8:29 p.m.

    Two words: "Magnus Armstrong"
  • Xplosive59 - January 7, 2009 6:19 p.m.

    not bad ..... not good either where the hell is the protagonist from oblivion, fable, fallout or anything like that
  • evildevil2 - January 6, 2009 3:32 p.m.

    I ment "WAMMO!" but the thing screwed it up...

Showing 1-20 of 28 comments

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