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The Top 7... badass old folks

5. The End

 

Age: Over 100 at death

Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: Metal Gear Solid 3

Born way back in the 1860s, The End was the sagely old master of sniping. Having spent a very long lifetime perfecting his art, his body became perfectly adapted to the process of long-range skull popping. He could even photosynthesise just like plants do in order to stay in position for weeks at a time. Presumably his beard and scalp also formed perfect camouflage amongst small bushes and modestly sized boulders.

If he was your Grandad:

 

The End would be the ultimate outdoors-type granddad. His nigh-symbiotic affinity with nature would see even the most brief trip to the park impart his grandchildren with the kind of knowledge that would allow them to survive an arctic tundra in a swimming costume. He could even teach the chilluns world geography by using the map on top of his head.

And best of all, they’d be completely safe to explore the world around them at will. Thanks to The End’s target spotting skills, there would be no risk of the kids ever getting lost or wandering into danger. The swift “thwhip” of a tranquiliser dart and they’d be waking up safe at home before they even knew what had happened. And with Grandad’s superhuman marksmanship, they’d almost all grow up with full depth perception and a working set of kidneys. Can your grandad make that guarantee? Can he really?

The only downside would be The End’s high maintenance rating. If you didn’t visit him for seven days, you’d be presumably find yourself out of pocket to the tune of one whole grandad.


4. Heihachi Mishima

 

Age: 75

Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: the Tekken series

The progressive relationship between father and son can be a tempestuous ballet of status and learning. Experience, knowledge and naivety swirl and flux as both pass on their varying wisdom; both gauging, testing and nurturing the other at complimentary and tessellating times in their lives.

Heihachi’s outlook on all of this? Wait ‘til the kid is five, then BAM! Off a cliff with him. If he comes back alive, he's a worthy successor.

But Kazuya did return, having made a deal with the devil for vengeance. He eventually defeated his father and threw him over the very same cliff. Heihachi’s response? Climb back out and hurl the young ‘un into a volcano for showing cheek. He subsequently shot his grandson, survived a nuclear blast with only a few scratches and launched all of his close family into space strapped to a missile.

If he was your Grandad: 

 

It would be a strict upbringing under Heihachi’s watchful eye, but those who lived would continue into adulthood confident that they had the strength of character to deal with any of life’s challenges. Either that or they’d sit in a cupboard crying until they were 40. It’s 50/50 really.


3. Avery Johnson

 

Age: 82 at death

Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: the Halo series

Avery Johnson might not look particularly old, but taking into account his history throughout various Halo spin-off media, he was actually 82 by the time of Halo 3. All that cryo sleep is probably great for the skin. He may not have had the look or demeanor of a crusty old collector of far-too-many birthday cards, but chronologically he counts. So he’s in.

A marine from the age of 19, Johnson was an important figure in many of the major human/Covenant incidents leading up to the first Halo game. A particularly proficient sniper and trusted leader, he completed numerous black ops missions, aided in the evacuation of Harvest, and survived the fall of Reach with the aid of brand new best bud Master Chief.

He was also the only human known to resist an attempted Flood infection, officially due to his contraction of the nervous-system-scrambling Boren’s syndrome during the battle of Paris IV. The reason for his condition? The plasma poisoning he received while using a crate of repossessed grenades to hold off the enemy while his men escaped. Though of course there are other reasons he might have resisted The Flood, and if true they just make him even harder…

If he was your Grandad: 

Provided he was still alive, Johnson would be a warm and nurturing grandparent. His care and respect for his allies was legendary throughout his military career, and coupled with his slightly snarky joviality, that would make him the most popular oldie at any family Christmas party.

Just don’t ask him to change a defective light bulb for you. Chances are he’d shoot it in the face just to be on the safe side.

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93 comments

  • richomak27 - July 13, 2009 10:18 a.m.

    Most old people suck though. these are just the few exceptions (also they're video game characters).
  • v8ninety - July 13, 2009 1:17 p.m.

    Ha Ha, impressed you got images of "Clive Dunn" looks like from the video of the Grandad song he did in the UK. You may (or may not know) he was also in a comedy series called "Dad's Army" about the "Home Guard" in the UK during WWII so the ammo and gun references work as well.
  • wrapdump - July 13, 2009 1:23 p.m.

    I'm not going to say you forgot solid snake on this list, cos you won't have, but I wish he was on here.
  • Jacob816 - July 13, 2009 1:38 p.m.

    What, no Old Snake? Fail.
  • oryandymackie - July 13, 2009 2:30 p.m.

    Why is there so many old folks from fighting series' in here? It gets boring after awhile...
  • Csheroe - July 13, 2009 3:05 p.m.

    Old Snake? Where? Oh he's not here... Anyway good article. I enjoyed Avery. Didn't know he was 82. I got blown up by a flying lightbulb!
  • FreekinIdiot - July 13, 2009 3:37 p.m.

    My Grandad is awesome because of booze...then again, it does cause him to Grandma on a regular basis...hmmm
  • FreekinIdiot - July 13, 2009 3:40 p.m.

    Of course I meant to say - My Grandad is awesome because of booze...then again, it does cause him to beat Grandma on a regular basis...hmmm I think the joke may be lost now! I have rather large dougy spam hands and sometimes struggle to strike the keybvfibaiu;bsd
  • garnsr - July 13, 2009 4:24 p.m.

    Yeah, Mr. Miyagi didn't get tougher when he got drunk, he just passed out, trying to wipe out the painful memories. Shun Di's definitely a cooler grandpa.
  • walrusthewill - July 13, 2009 5:19 p.m.

    YES i thought everyone had forgotten about oro thank you gr
  • skyguy343 - July 13, 2009 5:41 p.m.

    i think the old lady with the GINORMOUS shopping cart cannon in no more heroes would be awesome but then again, i'd do anything to get a no more heroes or SotC mention into an article
  • iluvmyDS - July 13, 2009 6:29 p.m.

    Grandma Hardcore is the definite exception to the game hating older generations. Also an older representative of what all the media thinks gamers are like.
  • AnonymouZ - July 13, 2009 6:31 p.m.

    if grandparents were willing to give a fuck about videogames AND played them. The world would be a better place. Full of hardcore grandmas and hardcore grandpas.
  • sgloomy - July 13, 2009 6:35 p.m.

    What happened to Gen from street fighter? and isn't wolverine technically an old person according to the age specifications? great article though, the more i think about it, the more there are badass old people in games.
  • ELpork - July 13, 2009 7 p.m.

    Heihachi's father was older, and was more insane... but Heihachi has bad ass hair.... so Good choice.
  • octagons - July 13, 2009 7:35 p.m.

    What? no reverend Ray?
  • sklorbit - July 13, 2009 7:56 p.m.

    cmon how 'bout old snake! i dont care if he is only 20 he is still old
  • Amnesiac - July 13, 2009 9:19 p.m.

    Holy crap, I wish Hardcore Grandma was my grandma.
  • Harmon20 - July 13, 2009 9:40 p.m.

    I could've sworn Snake would have been #1. You WOULD make him #1. Of course, I couldn't think of anyone else, so you'd have a point even if you did.
  • GaMeRGuY1oh4 - July 13, 2009 10:09 p.m.

    @ Xplosive59: I was just about to say that. Oh, and by the way, I was expecting Bill. And how do you know his last name, Overbeck? Oh, and what's the other survivor's last names as well?

Showing 1-20 of 93 comments

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