Sport & Auto
- About Future
- Digital Future
- Cookies Policy
- Terms & Conditions
- Investor Relations
- Contact Future
Age: Over 100 at death
Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: Metal Gear Solid 3
Born way back in the 1860s, The End was the sagely old master of sniping. Having spent a very long lifetime perfecting his art, his body became perfectly adapted to the process of long-range skull popping. He could even photosynthesise just like plants do in order to stay in position for weeks at a time. Presumably his beard and scalp also formed perfect camouflage amongst small bushes and modestly sized boulders.
If he was your Grandad:
The End would be the ultimate outdoors-type granddad. His nigh-symbiotic affinity with nature would see even the most brief trip to the park impart his grandchildren with the kind of knowledge that would allow them to survive an arctic tundra in a swimming costume. He could even teach the chilluns world geography by using the map on top of his head.
And best of all, they’d be completely safe to explore the world around them at will. Thanks to The End’s target spotting skills, there would be no risk of the kids ever getting lost or wandering into danger. The swift “thwhip” of a tranquiliser dart and they’d be waking up safe at home before they even knew what had happened. And with Grandad’s superhuman marksmanship, they’d almost all grow up with full depth perception and a working set of kidneys. Can your grandad make that guarantee? Can he really?
The only downside would be The End’s high maintenance rating. If you didn’t visit him for seven days, you’d be presumably find yourself out of pocket to the tune of one whole grandad.
Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: the Tekken series
The progressive relationship between father and son can be a tempestuous ballet of status and learning. Experience, knowledge and naivety swirl and flux as both pass on their varying wisdom; both gauging, testing and nurturing the other at complimentary and tessellating times in their lives.
Heihachi’s outlook on all of this? Wait ‘til the kid is five, then BAM! Off a cliff with him. If he comes back alive, he's a worthy successor.
But Kazuya did return, having made a deal with the devil for vengeance. He eventually defeated his father and threw him over the very same cliff. Heihachi’s response? Climb back out and hurl the young ‘un into a volcano for showing cheek. He subsequently shot his grandson, survived a nuclear blast with only a few scratches and launched all of his close family into space strapped to a missile.
If he was your Grandad:
It would be a strict upbringing under Heihachi’s watchful eye, but those who lived would continue into adulthood confident that they had the strength of character to deal with any of life’s challenges. Either that or they’d sit in a cupboard crying until they were 40. It’s 50/50 really.
Age: 82 at death
Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: the Halo series
Avery Johnson might not look particularly old, but taking into account his history throughout various Halo spin-off media, he was actually 82 by the time of Halo 3. All that cryo sleep is probably great for the skin. He may not have had the look or demeanor of a crusty old collector of far-too-many birthday cards, but chronologically he counts. So he’s in.
A marine from the age of 19, Johnson was an important figure in many of the major human/Covenant incidents leading up to the first Halo game. A particularly proficient sniper and trusted leader, he completed numerous black ops missions, aided in the evacuation of Harvest, and survived the fall of Reach with the aid of brand new best bud Master Chief.
He was also the only human known to resist an attempted Flood infection, officially due to his contraction of the nervous-system-scrambling Boren’s syndrome during the battle of Paris IV. The reason for his condition? The plasma poisoning he received while using a crate of repossessed grenades to hold off the enemy while his men escaped. Though of course there are other reasons he might have resisted The Flood, and if true they just make him even harder…
If he was your Grandad:
Provided he was still alive, Johnson would be a warm and nurturing grandparent. His care and respect for his allies was legendary throughout his military career, and coupled with his slightly snarky joviality, that would make him the most popular oldie at any family Christmas party.
Just don’t ask him to change a defective light bulb for you. Chances are he’d shoot it in the face just to be on the safe side.
Log in using Facebook to share comments, games, status update and other activity easily with your Facebook feed.