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The Top 7... badass old folks

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5. The End

 

Age: Over 100 at death

Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: Metal Gear Solid 3

Born way back in the 1860s, The End was the sagely old master of sniping. Having spent a very long lifetime perfecting his art, his body became perfectly adapted to the process of long-range skull popping. He could even photosynthesise just like plants do in order to stay in position for weeks at a time. Presumably his beard and scalp also formed perfect camouflage amongst small bushes and modestly sized boulders.

If he was your Grandad:

 

The End would be the ultimate outdoors-type granddad. His nigh-symbiotic affinity with nature would see even the most brief trip to the park impart his grandchildren with the kind of knowledge that would allow them to survive an arctic tundra in a swimming costume. He could even teach the chilluns world geography by using the map on top of his head.

And best of all, they’d be completely safe to explore the world around them at will. Thanks to The End’s target spotting skills, there would be no risk of the kids ever getting lost or wandering into danger. The swift “thwhip” of a tranquiliser dart and they’d be waking up safe at home before they even knew what had happened. And with Grandad’s superhuman marksmanship, they’d almost all grow up with full depth perception and a working set of kidneys. Can your grandad make that guarantee? Can he really?

The only downside would be The End’s high maintenance rating. If you didn’t visit him for seven days, you’d be presumably find yourself out of pocket to the tune of one whole grandad.


4. Heihachi Mishima

 

Age: 75

Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: the Tekken series

The progressive relationship between father and son can be a tempestuous ballet of status and learning. Experience, knowledge and naivety swirl and flux as both pass on their varying wisdom; both gauging, testing and nurturing the other at complimentary and tessellating times in their lives.

Heihachi’s outlook on all of this? Wait ‘til the kid is five, then BAM! Off a cliff with him. If he comes back alive, he's a worthy successor.

But Kazuya did return, having made a deal with the devil for vengeance. He eventually defeated his father and threw him over the very same cliff. Heihachi’s response? Climb back out and hurl the young ‘un into a volcano for showing cheek. He subsequently shot his grandson, survived a nuclear blast with only a few scratches and launched all of his close family into space strapped to a missile.

If he was your Grandad: 

 

It would be a strict upbringing under Heihachi’s watchful eye, but those who lived would continue into adulthood confident that they had the strength of character to deal with any of life’s challenges. Either that or they’d sit in a cupboard crying until they were 40. It’s 50/50 really.


3. Avery Johnson

 

Age: 82 at death

Unleashing wrinkly whupass in: the Halo series

Avery Johnson might not look particularly old, but taking into account his history throughout various Halo spin-off media, he was actually 82 by the time of Halo 3. All that cryo sleep is probably great for the skin. He may not have had the look or demeanor of a crusty old collector of far-too-many birthday cards, but chronologically he counts. So he’s in.

A marine from the age of 19, Johnson was an important figure in many of the major human/Covenant incidents leading up to the first Halo game. A particularly proficient sniper and trusted leader, he completed numerous black ops missions, aided in the evacuation of Harvest, and survived the fall of Reach with the aid of brand new best bud Master Chief.

He was also the only human known to resist an attempted Flood infection, officially due to his contraction of the nervous-system-scrambling Boren’s syndrome during the battle of Paris IV. The reason for his condition? The plasma poisoning he received while using a crate of repossessed grenades to hold off the enemy while his men escaped. Though of course there are other reasons he might have resisted The Flood, and if true they just make him even harder…

If he was your Grandad: 

Provided he was still alive, Johnson would be a warm and nurturing grandparent. His care and respect for his allies was legendary throughout his military career, and coupled with his slightly snarky joviality, that would make him the most popular oldie at any family Christmas party.

Just don’t ask him to change a defective light bulb for you. Chances are he’d shoot it in the face just to be on the safe side.

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93 comments

  • GrayFox161 - January 7, 2010 1:33 p.m.

    Shit!! How could i forget old snake and big boss!!!!!!
  • GrayFox161 - January 7, 2010 1:23 p.m.

    What bout Revolver Ocelot??? he is sure badass
  • Wolf22295 - October 25, 2009 4:55 p.m.

    Wot about Charon in Fallout 3!! He is somthin like 150 years old!!! And also Grandma sparkles in Fallout 3, She kicks ass and calls people assholes!!
  • GameManiac - October 20, 2009 6:45 p.m.

    Anyone who can fight drunk and WIN is already badass in my book (like that Shun Di guy).
  • matt588 - October 9, 2009 2:16 p.m.

    what?? no muramasa from ninja gaiden 2 recaptcha: grafts lee (especially funny for me cause my granddad's name is lee)
  • llamalords - October 1, 2009 1:20 a.m.

    WTF what about Solid Snake dammit! He pwns all oldies!
  • STR33TFiR3 - July 21, 2009 2:18 a.m.

    Come on gramma! mama won't let me play!
  • deathrebellion - July 20, 2009 5:17 p.m.

    no Old Snake and Jinpachi Mishima and Heiachi i one tough dad thats why i love the Mishima clan for its cute family rivalry :D and thats one HARDCORE granny xD
  • Satu - July 18, 2009 8:16 p.m.

    I know Big Boss has been mentioned already, but what about Revolver Ocelot? He'd be a wicked awesome grandparent.
  • v3mEpiDemiC - July 18, 2009 3:22 a.m.

    OMG Avery Johnson is old??WOW
  • SolidSpartan - July 16, 2009 6:02 p.m.

    Lol, old people... P.S. Those "If he was your grandpa" pics are hilarious, except for 1 of them. reCAPTCHA: week eyesore (Lol?)
  • Auron - July 16, 2009 4 p.m.

    Gen Fu is better than either of the Tekken or Virtua Fighter grandpa's, in my opinion.
  • AntistaIsTheLight - July 15, 2009 8:01 p.m.

    Will everyone stop with the Old Snake stuff?! Oh,related to the article, Grandma Hardcore would kick my ass in Nazi Zombies.Probably
  • ricangamer28 - July 15, 2009 6:50 p.m.

    hey what about master roshi(dragon ball)..hes kick ass and funy as hell,also a perv...
  • ricangamer28 - July 15, 2009 6:48 p.m.

    aww good old bill...ill love to have him as a grandfather,we can chain smoke all day!!!
  • afroninjakatana - July 15, 2009 6:47 p.m.

    LOL great article! Bill and Grandma Hardcore would be awesome grandparents!
  • husk94 - July 15, 2009 5:17 p.m.

    wha, no great deku tree or green sage from jak and daxter
  • CeLLIfE - July 15, 2009 2:19 p.m.

    Old Grandma Hardcore KICKS THE RESISTANCE:FALL OF MAN ASS
  • CombatCat120 - July 14, 2009 11:04 a.m.

    where the hell is Old Snake?He's the most badass old man as badass as badass is!That's it! you guys are biased against the MGS series
  • darkcloud - July 14, 2009 5:56 a.m.

    holy crap grandma is hardcore

Showing 1-20 of 93 comments

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