The Top 7… Awful fake accents

2. Olga Weissgrip

From: Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust

Attempted accent: Russian

Actual accent: Drunken Borat impression

Even by the standards of fake accents, Olga Weissgrip is horrifying. A monument to half-assedness, Box Office Bust featured several physically interchangeable, secretary-type women with huge tits, all of whom Larry was expected to awkwardly romance by navigating dialogue trees and performing inane fetch quests. These were mostly unmemorable, with one exception: Weissgrip, a supposed Russian immigrant with a “patriotic” faux-German gag name and one of the laziest fake accents this side of an obnoxious Borat fan.

Now, granted, assuming you played Box Office Bust (and that’s pretty damn unlikely, let’s not kid ourselves), you could argue that her accent is intentionally awful, since she’s actually a mildly deranged American pretending to be foreign. But this isn’t “The Top 7… awful fake accents that were awful by accident.” No, if anything, the fact that it’s a fake accent in the context of its game makes Olga’s more worthy of inclusion. It’s doubly fake. It also makes the extras in Red Alert 3 sound like native Muscovites by comparison. Especially the ones who didn’t talk.

1. Those creepy French kids

From: Heavy Rain

Attempted accent: “American”

Actual accent: Faintly insulting

Again, we’re not making any judgments on the overall quality of Heavy Rain. We know a lot of you loved it. But we’re willing to bet that even those that did will admit that the game’s “American” accents – spoken as they were by a cast of mostly British and French actors – left a hell of a lot to be desired. On the “not that objectionable” side of the scale, for example, we have distraught father Ethan Mars (played by British actor Pascal Langdale), whose flat, unremarkable American diction only occasionally gives way to a strange, Irish-sounding accent.

Somewhere in the middle, there’s Leon Ockenden as FBI profiler Norman Jayden (or “Nahmanjayden”), who’s got some sort of weird Boston thing going on…

… and then there are the kids.

Above: Holy shit, the kids 

There are exactly four children with speaking roles in Heavy Rain, and both pairs are played by the same two (French) child actors, Max Renaudin and Taylor Gasman. The first time they show up – as Ethan’s sons, Jason and Shaun – their accents are noticeable and a little off-putting, but not exactly terrible. They could just be particularly vapid kids with speech impediments.

It’s when they return, later in the game, as the Sheppard brothers that things take a turn for the truly laughable. Making less of an effort to hide their French accents, the boys awkwardly chew their way around every syllable of their dialogue, clearly struggling with lines like “Leastya wohn’t git beat!” and “Nochance, I can do it alright! Justyuwotch!”

\WARNING: Mild spoilers appear near the end of the video

Not only is it the least convincing portrayal of downtrodden American youth we’ve ever seen, but the accents and awkward line delivery make this simultaneously one of the creepiest and most unintentionally hilarious scenes in a game that already features plenty of both

Nov 29, 2010

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Take a ride in our Paddy Wagon full of shameful potato-eaters


Top 7

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  • erenelliekush - December 5, 2010 6:12 a.m.

    I kinda expected Chrono Cross. like all 400 playable characters in that game (except Serge who doesn't talk) have horrible fake and/or real accents. one guy is a vegetable who talks in Ye Old English!
  • Claymore17 - December 5, 2010 5:12 a.m.

  • tomservo - December 5, 2010 2:27 a.m.

    Any other Scots horrified by the voice acting in Castlevania: Lords of Shadow? And then I found out it was Robert Carlyle... I wish those zombies had got him in 28 weeks later... oh yeah.
  • Deadshotjim - December 4, 2010 10:47 p.m.

    Stalker Clear Sky had some pretty bad accents,"Too bad those punks got away!"
  • cxvfgcdxggf - December 4, 2010 5:32 p.m.

    a leading worldwide w holesaler company (or ucan say organization). w w w . yahcc . u s We supply more than 100 thousand high-quality merchandise and famous brand name products all at wholesale prices.
  • waran4 - December 3, 2010 2:42 p.m.

    Just Cause 2. "Bolo Santosi". 'Nuff said...
  • AGENTJORRRG - December 3, 2010 2:27 a.m.

    I am almost certain that everyone in Deus Ex is voiced by the same dude. h aso, I appreciate the effort, but the new vid player is fail. I'd forgotten about most of them by the time they started playing.
  • AA95mp - December 2, 2010 11:36 a.m.

    loving the new player guys.
  • Randomwordcombination - December 1, 2010 11:10 p.m.

    Awesome, this should make for a fun episode of TalkRadar!
  • Apollomasque - December 1, 2010 9:38 p.m.

    What happened to freaking EVERYONE from Just Cause 2?
  • Zeb364 - December 1, 2010 9:31 a.m.

    I read this article specifically looking for morons from Heavy Rain and GR did not let me down. I love how terrible those accents are, and I'm not just referring to the stupid French Kids. Two words: "Fuckin asshole!"
  • Fistly - December 1, 2010 1:16 a.m.

    Heavy Rain, anyone?
  • Yeager1122 - December 1, 2010 12:51 a.m.

    Agentnahmanjayden made me crack up it was so painfully bad.
  • Solid_Gabriel - November 30, 2010 11:36 p.m.

    Everyone trying to speak in portuguese on Soccom 2. Gosh! That lousy attempt to mimic the way brazilian people speak was just embarrasing!
  • DoctorCrazy - November 30, 2010 10:38 p.m.

    Those Heavy Rain kids are going to give me nightmares. But Alex Mason, his voice didnt bother me at all. When I heard it I simply went "oh thats Sam Worthington".
  • Darkhawk - November 30, 2010 7:21 p.m.

    Bonus nomination, from the House that Cage Built: Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit. My god, the accents in that game are terrible
  • GorditaSlim - November 30, 2010 7:07 p.m.

    Haha, gotta love Heavy Rain. "JAAAY-SUHN!"
  • infernox - November 30, 2010 6:28 p.m.

    the crazy voice acting in deus ex was one of my favourite things about the game. always made me laugh and lighted the mood on a amazing game.
  • AlpineGuy - November 30, 2010 5:51 p.m.

    This should make for an awesome first segment of TalkRadar. DON'T LET ME DOWN MIKEL!
  • MrsJonMurphy - November 30, 2010 5:13 p.m.

    You had a most annoying voices list and you left out Vanille? That woman's terrible on / off British (or was it Australian) accent made her the Jar Jar Binks of the FF games.