The Top 7... Annoying nags that need to STFU

The champion ear-benders that should stop talking

Right from the get go of this deep space disaster it's pretty obvious that Kendra and her 'I know best attitude' is going to be an intolerable pain in the ass. She's confrontational, insubordinate and the 'computer specialist', which universally translates to 'annoying twat'.

As soon as things begin to get messy aboard the USG Ishimura, Kendra courageously secures herself away from the rampaging alien horror show. What a trooper. Conveniently for her, but unfortunate for us, her hiding place is well furnished with computer and communications equipment. She spends the rest of the adventure ordering hero Isaac Clarke about like a minimum-wage lackey.

Relentless and uncompromising with her demands, she gives not a solitary shit that Isaac is the one wrestling aliens with razor-sharp extremities while also doing all the hard graft. As if the Necromorphs weren't dangerous enough for Isaac, he also risks death by nagging as well. Isaac might not be much of a talker, but we know what he's thinking when Kendra's on the holographic blower...

The Advisor has always been a resident of the Theme Park games. He's appeared in various guises, but it's the jolly Willy Wonka type in a top hat we remember the most. As his name suggests, his role has always been to advise the player - that is, to give advice on how a theme park can best be improved to maximise financial gain and visitor satisfaction.

Maybe we're just being ungrateful, but we don't want his advice. We don't want him sticking his oar in and popping up with his condescending brand of 'hints and tips' every time we do something wrong. The Advisor needs to piss right off out of our business. We'll run things exactly how we want. Did it ever occur to the Advisor that we crafted our theme park with the intention of it being a hub of misery and human suffering and full of floaty sad faces?

Sure the admission fee is extortionate, there are no signposts, the toilets are cubicles of concentrated bowel filth and the rollercoaster makes people vomit, but it just so happens that that's exactly how we want it Mr Advisor Man.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.
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