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The Sexual Politics Of The Mushroom Kingdom

The Toads

Once the loyal servants of the princess, the Toads caught onto her endearingly unstable nature pretty early. They happily spent the entirely of Super Mario Bros. waiting around for Mario and Luigi in order to point them in the right direction, but after doing that over two different games and being forced to run item houses to help the brothers on another rescue in SMB3, enough was enough. They'd seen Peach handle herself in the US SMB2, so they knew that she was getting kidnapped suspiciously easily. By the time word got back to them about the events of the ill-fated Dinosaur Land trip, they knew beyond all doubt that they were being used.

"F*ck that shit!", the Toads thought. "We're not hanging around out in those cold-ass castles any more for no-one". And they didn't.



Not only that, but they now actually look forward to Peach's little vanity trips. They know she's going to be okay (And frankly, after all these years of dealing with her crap they couldn't care less if Bowser ate her whole. They inherit the castle anyway), so they treat the kidnappings as free holidays. After really coming into their own in both SMB2 and Super Mario Kart, the Toads have now developed a healthy taste for life and they want to live it to the max. Screw what the crazy girl in the pink dress is up to.

Ever wondered why they were remarkably sparse in number in Super Mario 64? They were all down at the pub. Super Mario Sunshine? They turned up, but only to take advantage of the resort while Peach was busy with Bowser. And Super Mario Galaxy? Peach got kidnapped and their immediate reaction was to build a spaceship and disappear off around the galaxy exploring. Was it a coincidence that we found them on a beach with a barbeque? As soon as Mario's back was turned, they were pulling out the beers and skinning up. But don't do drugs kids. The Toads are going to die.

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35 comments

  • PureSpirit - December 16, 2010 5:06 a.m.

    So funny! and so true!
  • Lokolord - August 9, 2010 11:47 p.m.

    I'm personally against prejudice and the like, but this article really doesn't help the whole dumb blonde thing... just pointing that out.
  • Ng13 - March 11, 2010 7:44 p.m.

    This is actual epic win...... Never seen anybody so devoted to explaining the sordid affair between Mario and Peach, I'm glad it's finally out in the open xD
  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - February 26, 2010 10:42 p.m.

    last comment, i meant fireproof
  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - February 26, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    And TheWebSwinger, bowser probably ENJOYS the lava pits, because they never kill him, so he must be foreproof which makes the equivalent of a REALLY good, nice, hot, bath for him! And good for cooking burgers. Dont forget the burgers.
  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - February 26, 2010 10:39 p.m.

    Now THIS is hilarious. And I got here all thanks to the Top 7 Compendium. I really do feel sorry for Luigi, cos: He's smarter, greener, and more healthy than Mario, but do (most) people even care? No. They just want to save the stupid pink bimbo. And poor Yoshi. But, I just remembered, you know when they turned Mario into a kids programme? Im SURE one of the episodes showed none other than LUIGI finding yoshi. Which probably would have been better for the poor little guy anyway, seing what mario does to those goombas... o_O
  • venomman01 - February 8, 2010 11 p.m.

    BOWSER JUNIOR :O
  • PhantomRose96 - January 20, 2010 1:58 a.m.

    Ha! I'll never look at the series the same way again. Simply brilliant.
  • kwwalker - December 1, 2009 7:38 p.m.

    Its like an episode of "behind the music" All the love triangles and scandal that come with video game celebrity
  • afroninjakatana - July 20, 2009 2:20 a.m.

    PEACH IS A HO!!!!!!!!!!! I forgot to add that to my last rant
  • afroninjakatana - July 20, 2009 2:19 a.m.

    Yeah BowserJr is peach's son because she wears that big dress so nobody could tell that she was pregnant for nine months. When she went into labor Bowser came and got her. Makes you stop and think? 0_o
  • dreamgor - July 12, 2009 8:39 p.m.

    I ignore this article even if it hits a chord oh and here's a link to an awesome vid about it: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/443020 and darkxstar saying that us just stupid and even more so with that excuse recaptcha: carrots Sat O_o
  • Mattgue - July 12, 2009 3:23 p.m.

    hahahah lol maeby you are right bowser does reproduce asexually and luige is the sharpes person in the mushroom kingdom
  • Xeacons - July 12, 2009 3:17 p.m.

    PRECIOUS!!! Haven't laughed this hard in months!! But I do think if Peach was Jr's mom, he'd bare more resemblance. Don't forget all the other Koopa kids. If you ask me, Bowser reproduces asexually.
  • DarxStar - July 11, 2009 11 p.m.

    Baby Mario is Mario isn't he? About Bowser Jr. I'd been thinking the same thing. Just one problem: Peach was never kidnapped for nine months at a time so Bowser must have kidnapped her nine months later. I always liked Luigi better and now I like him more. Since no one has said it I have the right to say First to say First.
  • Shift - May 18, 2009 3:24 p.m.

    Personally, I think that this is gr's best article. Hands down. I'll never EVER look at Mario or Peach or any of them the same way again. Especially Bowser Jr. O_O
  • Da-Ku - May 4, 2009 3:57 p.m.

    This is pure awesomeness, i understand it more than i did at its first publishing xD We need more like this
  • adrenaguy - March 12, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    you know, eatshorts8, that's a little disturbing O_O
  • EatShorts8 - March 10, 2009 4 a.m.

    the Bowser Jr one really gets u thinking
  • cell289 - January 25, 2009 3:31 a.m.

    9 pages the sexual relations over certain 1979 pixel art makes me question my role in the clock tower of life.

Showing 1-20 of 35 comments

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