The Sexual Politics Of The Mushroom Kingdom


Princess Peach is unsurprisingly the insidious love spider at the centre of this whole web of deceit. She may maintain a regal facade, in in truth she's nothing more than a self-serving harlot with the morals of an alley cat on heat and no higher priority in life than the massaging of her own needy ego.

Let's look at the evidence shall we? She's been 'kidnapped' by Bowser a grand total of nine times so far, and that's just counting the core Mario games. Is castle security really that lame? You'd think after the first incident that the Mushroom Kingdom wouldn't be taking any chances with its monarch, but if Peach's story is to be believed (which is isn't) then the royal home is less secure than a sleep-deprived Woody Allen on a bad acid trip. No, we strongly suspect she's in on the whole sordid deal.

Getting herself intentionally kidnapped by Bowser? Whyever would she do such a thing, you might ask. Well put simply, Peach is a big old attention-whore, and the mis-guided sense of worth she gets from Bowser's actions coupled with Mario's endless willingness to come running whenever she calls gives the miserable, shallow-hearted bitch exactly the two-hit combo she needs to make herself feel good.

Why does she need the constant superficial reasurrance? Well until the Mario brothers turned up, she was the only human character in the whole kingdom. With no-one but bubble-headed fungus to relate to she must have got pretty lonely, and she now wildly latches on to any attention she gets, positive or negative, as a result. And now we come to think of it, how the hell can she be the Mushroom Princess if there's no Mushroom King or Queen above her in the royal hierachy? They may have died, got sick of her crap and left, or even sent her away to the land of 'shrooms as punishment for being a prissy wanker, but whatever the reason for their absence, a lack of parentage has probably only fuelled her needy attention-seeking.

Though none of that justifies her behaviour, naturally. Her coping mechanisms have all the depth of a puddle on a hot day, and she's screwing people over left, right and centre as a result. Of course, the first kidnapping was probably genuine. Apparently in SMB1 Bowser went after her because she had the power to stop his magic. But everything since then has been for her own ends. Is it a coincidence that she actually got her shit together and helped out in the American version of SMB2, only to go into a submissive capture-frenzy once Mario went over to Sarasaland to rescue Daisy in Super Mario Land? We think not. She was jealous and she wanted his attention all for herself.

Dizzy wench.

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  • MW3M - January 20, 2009 10:51 p.m.

    This is the greatest article you have ever made. Hands down.
  • Coolbeans69 - January 21, 2009 1 a.m.

    this was pretty great
  • Corsair89 - February 9, 2009 9:37 p.m.

    I gotta say, this article is fantastic. Hands down one of the cleverest, thorough, and well-written articles I've even seen on this site, which is saying a lot. Very, very good job. In Peach's defense, she did get off her ass in Super Princess Peach to save Mario when he got kidnapped. She also helped Mario and was a playable character for most of the adventure in Super Paper Mario.
  • Stryde22 - February 9, 2009 10:52 p.m.

    now THIS is the kind of article i like to read. XD. the psychological analysis of fictional characters can be WAY too entertaining
  • Wordup95 - February 10, 2009 1:36 a.m.

    ... funny, :D
  • AA95mp - March 13, 2009 8:36 p.m.

    do you think toads could be drugs they are magic mushrooms.
  • reroxas - April 16, 2009 10:32 p.m.

    Ya know I always kinda understood the Mario story. That's why I don't really play Mario anymore why because Mario f**ked everyone over for Peach,Peach is a slut, Bowser is what this article said and Luigi Yoshi and everybody else is getting f**ked over because of this. And Luigi is better.
  • fallout3mutielover - April 19, 2009 6:12 p.m.

    haha stupid peach and her hoish life
  • Evernight - July 10, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    You forgot to mention Yoshi having to save Mario's child (where ever that is from) twice - taking care of the child like the nice uncle would when a absentee father goes gallivanting off after some trim. Yoshi is a saint for that - but like you said he no doubt got sick of the BS and left him. Friends will help you move - but they won't play daddy to your kids while you pursue a destructive relationship.
  • VideoGameKing - July 11, 2009 9:16 p.m.

    dosent luigi have dasiy as his Girlfriend?
  • barrage7667 - July 11, 2009 10:13 p.m.

    yea mario is a dick he will make sure daisy is ok but his own son!!! naaahhh let yoshi do it who cares if he dies as long as mario can get it on with his "i-need-more-attention-pay-attention-to-me" whore peach all nite he can always make another kid rite? dsigusting
  • TheWebSwinger - July 13, 2009 12:48 a.m.

    I don't see how Bowser wins. He's always falling in lava pits.
  • lovinmyps3 - July 14, 2009 2:39 a.m.

    Oh my god... that BITCH!! Haha
  • GrantG - July 14, 2009 2:54 a.m.

    it all makes sense now!
  • gatornation1254 - July 21, 2009 8:16 p.m.

    Man Luigi could kick Mario's ass any day of the week. And Peach needs to just shut her whore mouth.
  • cell289 - January 25, 2009 3:31 a.m.

    9 pages the sexual relations over certain 1979 pixel art makes me question my role in the clock tower of life.
  • EatShorts8 - March 10, 2009 4 a.m.

    the Bowser Jr one really gets u thinking
  • adrenaguy - March 12, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    you know, eatshorts8, that's a little disturbing O_O
  • Da-Ku - May 4, 2009 3:57 p.m.

    This is pure awesomeness, i understand it more than i did at its first publishing xD We need more like this
  • Shift - May 18, 2009 3:24 p.m.

    Personally, I think that this is gr's best article. Hands down. I'll never EVER look at Mario or Peach or any of them the same way again. Especially Bowser Jr. O_O

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