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The Sexual Politics Of The Mushroom Kingdom

Peach

Princess Peach is unsurprisingly the insidious love spider at the centre of this whole web of deceit. She may maintain a regal facade, in in truth she's nothing more than a self-serving harlot with the morals of an alley cat on heat and no higher priority in life than the massaging of her own needy ego.

Let's look at the evidence shall we? She's been 'kidnapped' by Bowser a grand total of nine times so far, and that's just counting the core Mario games. Is castle security really that lame? You'd think after the first incident that the Mushroom Kingdom wouldn't be taking any chances with its monarch, but if Peach's story is to be believed (which is isn't) then the royal home is less secure than a sleep-deprived Woody Allen on a bad acid trip. No, we strongly suspect she's in on the whole sordid deal.



Getting herself intentionally kidnapped by Bowser? Whyever would she do such a thing, you might ask. Well put simply, Peach is a big old attention-whore, and the mis-guided sense of worth she gets from Bowser's actions coupled with Mario's endless willingness to come running whenever she calls gives the miserable, shallow-hearted bitch exactly the two-hit combo she needs to make herself feel good.

Why does she need the constant superficial reasurrance? Well until the Mario brothers turned up, she was the only human character in the whole kingdom. With no-one but bubble-headed fungus to relate to she must have got pretty lonely, and she now wildly latches on to any attention she gets, positive or negative, as a result. And now we come to think of it, how the hell can she be the Mushroom Princess if there's no Mushroom King or Queen above her in the royal hierachy? They may have died, got sick of her crap and left, or even sent her away to the land of 'shrooms as punishment for being a prissy wanker, but whatever the reason for their absence, a lack of parentage has probably only fuelled her needy attention-seeking.

Though none of that justifies her behaviour, naturally. Her coping mechanisms have all the depth of a puddle on a hot day, and she's screwing people over left, right and centre as a result. Of course, the first kidnapping was probably genuine. Apparently in SMB1 Bowser went after her because she had the power to stop his magic. But everything since then has been for her own ends. Is it a coincidence that she actually got her shit together and helped out in the American version of SMB2, only to go into a submissive capture-frenzy once Mario went over to Sarasaland to rescue Daisy in Super Mario Land? We think not. She was jealous and she wanted his attention all for herself.

Dizzy wench.

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35 comments

  • PureSpirit - December 16, 2010 5:06 a.m.

    So funny! and so true!
  • Lokolord - August 9, 2010 11:47 p.m.

    I'm personally against prejudice and the like, but this article really doesn't help the whole dumb blonde thing... just pointing that out.
  • Ng13 - March 11, 2010 7:44 p.m.

    This is actual epic win...... Never seen anybody so devoted to explaining the sordid affair between Mario and Peach, I'm glad it's finally out in the open xD
  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - February 26, 2010 10:42 p.m.

    last comment, i meant fireproof
  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - February 26, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    And TheWebSwinger, bowser probably ENJOYS the lava pits, because they never kill him, so he must be foreproof which makes the equivalent of a REALLY good, nice, hot, bath for him! And good for cooking burgers. Dont forget the burgers.
  • ObsessionWithEdgeworth - February 26, 2010 10:39 p.m.

    Now THIS is hilarious. And I got here all thanks to the Top 7 Compendium. I really do feel sorry for Luigi, cos: He's smarter, greener, and more healthy than Mario, but do (most) people even care? No. They just want to save the stupid pink bimbo. And poor Yoshi. But, I just remembered, you know when they turned Mario into a kids programme? Im SURE one of the episodes showed none other than LUIGI finding yoshi. Which probably would have been better for the poor little guy anyway, seing what mario does to those goombas... o_O
  • venomman01 - February 8, 2010 11 p.m.

    BOWSER JUNIOR :O
  • PhantomRose96 - January 20, 2010 1:58 a.m.

    Ha! I'll never look at the series the same way again. Simply brilliant.
  • kwwalker - December 1, 2009 7:38 p.m.

    Its like an episode of "behind the music" All the love triangles and scandal that come with video game celebrity
  • afroninjakatana - July 20, 2009 2:20 a.m.

    PEACH IS A HO!!!!!!!!!!! I forgot to add that to my last rant
  • afroninjakatana - July 20, 2009 2:19 a.m.

    Yeah BowserJr is peach's son because she wears that big dress so nobody could tell that she was pregnant for nine months. When she went into labor Bowser came and got her. Makes you stop and think? 0_o
  • dreamgor - July 12, 2009 8:39 p.m.

    I ignore this article even if it hits a chord oh and here's a link to an awesome vid about it: http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/443020 and darkxstar saying that us just stupid and even more so with that excuse recaptcha: carrots Sat O_o
  • Mattgue - July 12, 2009 3:23 p.m.

    hahahah lol maeby you are right bowser does reproduce asexually and luige is the sharpes person in the mushroom kingdom
  • Xeacons - July 12, 2009 3:17 p.m.

    PRECIOUS!!! Haven't laughed this hard in months!! But I do think if Peach was Jr's mom, he'd bare more resemblance. Don't forget all the other Koopa kids. If you ask me, Bowser reproduces asexually.
  • DarxStar - July 11, 2009 11 p.m.

    Baby Mario is Mario isn't he? About Bowser Jr. I'd been thinking the same thing. Just one problem: Peach was never kidnapped for nine months at a time so Bowser must have kidnapped her nine months later. I always liked Luigi better and now I like him more. Since no one has said it I have the right to say First to say First.
  • Shift - May 18, 2009 3:24 p.m.

    Personally, I think that this is gr's best article. Hands down. I'll never EVER look at Mario or Peach or any of them the same way again. Especially Bowser Jr. O_O
  • Da-Ku - May 4, 2009 3:57 p.m.

    This is pure awesomeness, i understand it more than i did at its first publishing xD We need more like this
  • adrenaguy - March 12, 2009 10:47 p.m.

    you know, eatshorts8, that's a little disturbing O_O
  • EatShorts8 - March 10, 2009 4 a.m.

    the Bowser Jr one really gets u thinking
  • cell289 - January 25, 2009 3:31 a.m.

    9 pages the sexual relations over certain 1979 pixel art makes me question my role in the clock tower of life.

Showing 1-20 of 35 comments

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