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The scariest videogame characters that were never designed to be scary

Q*Bert

What is it supposed to be? How did it survive past childbirth? Why do its eyes look like the scary religious statues in Carrie? Resembling a chicken nugget that was crossbred with an aardvark and given the ability to see through time, this crude jape of science is not a thing I would ever let near children or animals.

I've also got a strong reason to believe that the Q*Bert's lengthy proboscis is used primarily for sucking the brains out of the heads of babies. No, I don't have any "evidence" or "research" to back this opinion up, but I'm 90% certain that it's 100% true. So there.


Mr. Mime

No Pokemon should look this much like a person and be allowed to get away with it. In fact, how can we even be certain that Mr. Mime IS a Pokemon, and not just a very unfortunate child with a skin disorder that's been forced against its will to fight animals for the perverse amusement of Japanese businessmen? We simply cannot be sure.

Aside from the fact that it looks a bit like Richard Simmons, Mr. Mime could only be considered cute by somebody who was born with harlequin ichthyosis. Anybody else would be right to stab this thing in the head with a pencil and burn the remains under a bridge somewhere, making sure to thoroughly disinfect anything it's touched afterwards. Mr. Mime is equal part killer clown and date rapist, and should not be suffered to live.


Mr. Saturn

It's basically a tumor on legs.


Everybody in Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas

Let's face facts -- the Gamebryo engine isn't very good at making people who look like people. In a post-apocalyptic world full of mutants and monsters, you do your own bestiary a disservice when all the NPCs look scarier than the actual bad guys, but Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas boast of cast of unnatural poltergeist people that make nuclear annihilation of the human species seem like a good thing.

In New Vegas, there's a particular woman whose face is supposed to be burned. I couldn't even tell. She looked as normal as everybody else. And "normal" in Fallout means "the exact opposite of normal." They stare blankly ahead with expressions that no real human face can pull, they walk as if they're not within the same reality as the world around them, they seem as if their skin has been artificially grafted onto a mechanical watermelon that pulsates and spasms infrequently. Basically, they're not right.

Then there are the glitches. I'm sure you've all seen Doc Mitchell's demented Exorcist Head by now, but if that doesn't stop you from sleeping for a year, then you were born without emotion.


Noby Noby Boy

He goes by many names. Satan. Lucifer. Beelzebub. Noby Noby Boy. Easily the scariest videogame character of all time, this creature is literally twisted, and he has come for all our souls. The Bible speaks of a worm that never dies in a fire that is never quenched. Clearly, that undying worm is Noby Noby Boy, a slice of Hell made real on this Earth, its only goal to feast on our sin and grow fat on our lies.

The very proof of Noby's unholy alliance is found within his eponymous game. Play for long enough and you shall see Noby Noby Boy cavort with devils and spirits, and create abominations by splicing the genes of toucans and rhinos.

He seems to have no sentient awareness of the world around him, he just stretches and consumes, and farts out malformed freaks while unconsciously journeying through the solar system for reasons we mortals cannot comprehend. There is a darkness upon our lands, and that darkness is named Noby.
Also, its "nose" and "eyes" look exactly the same. I think it has three eyes.

Oct 27, 2010

Top 7... Cutesy characters we want to beat the crap out of
Yeah, they're cute, but they're so damn annoying

 


Cute characters that are actually creepy as hell
Don't be fooled by these cunningly disguised creepzillas

 


Cute game worlds that would be hell to actually live in
On the surface they look like paradise. Beneath it, they’re a living nightmare

Topics

Halloweek

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48 comments

  • GameManiac - October 29, 2010 8:51 p.m.

    What, no Weegee?
  • BurntToShreds - October 29, 2010 3:51 p.m.

    You want cute characters that are scary? Google "The Terrible Secret of Animal Crossing". Be warned, you might not be able to play the game again, let alone go to sleep that night. I am entirely serious, that story is horrifying.
  • bonerachieved - October 29, 2010 3:07 p.m.

    Holy shit Noby Noby Boy completely slipped my mind as soon as i saw Tom Nook and Mr. Saturn in here haha.
  • VMPSaberwolf - October 29, 2010 11:16 a.m.

    Not sure if this was mentioned as I didn't have time to read the comments, but wasn't the game called Shadow Of Destiny, not Shadow of Memories? Unless there are two games, I have Destiny which features Eike going through time trying to prevent his death. Anywho, add Margarette to my QOTW answer as a female I lusted over for a while. Not sure why, think it was the long hair.
  • Tratious - October 29, 2010 2:05 a.m.

    the fallout video is the funniest, and creepiest thing I have ever seen.
  • ThatGamerDude - October 29, 2010 1:52 a.m.

    Great, I won't be able to go to sleep tonight. I'll have to leave the lights on, keep a shotgun right next to me, keep a phone to call 911, and whatever else I can think of but don't feel like typing. Thanks alot Jim! >:O
  • sleepy92ismypsn - October 29, 2010 1:12 a.m.

    Can't say much about this article except that I think Jim Sterling is a pussy for being scared of Eyepet. I'm glad I came to this article because I found a link to an old funny article. The top 7 cutesy characters we want to beat the crap out of is hilarious, nice art tyler and nice face chris.
  • elmaropwnz - October 28, 2010 7:59 p.m.

    you forgot yoshi, i don't want to be molested by some horse-like green thing with his/her 40 foot long tongue
  • Moe77 - October 28, 2010 7:40 p.m.

    no skittles?
  • matt588 - October 28, 2010 6:16 p.m.

    the eyepet looks like a pretransformation gremlin, wonder what happens if you feed him after midnight XD (please sony) FYI growth of flat bones like hands and the face is acromegaly
  • SonicX_89 - October 28, 2010 3:59 p.m.

    I didn't realize this was a Jim, Sterling article. That dude is funny.
  • elpurplemonkey - October 28, 2010 2:34 p.m.

    That Tarutaru was equal parts horrible and hilarious.
  • philipshaw - October 28, 2010 1:35 p.m.

    I have to agree with fallout being on here, all the characters look wrong in those games
  • jmcgrotty - October 28, 2010 12:36 p.m.

    Two important corrections: Eike Kusch was in no way scary or offsetting, or any other adjective that implies he's just a little odd. While you focused on Fallout 3+, you should have just said "Any Bethesda Softworks title." Elder Scrolls are all freaky, too.
  • JayBeat - October 28, 2010 11:32 a.m.

    Mr. Saturn. Lol with me.
  • papergoon - October 28, 2010 10:25 a.m.

    WHAT? HAHAHA THIS IS FREAKING HILARIOUS. Totally agree that q*bert is scary. It's gone through the fire, just like Carrie reCAPTCHA: which eldects is it me or does that sound rather horror-ish?
  • Hobogonigal - October 28, 2010 9:24 a.m.

    AHHHHHH! The evil chic a boo is out to get us! What I want to know is who thought that some of these ideas were great? Also, am I the only one that liked Mr. Saturn? I always used to try and stop him from being used/ thrown off the edge in Super Smash Bros!
  • Ravenbom - October 28, 2010 8:30 a.m.

    Every time I look at Noby Noby Boy I see the human centipede.
  • HawtKakez - October 28, 2010 6:42 a.m.

    I was wondering midway in this article who the writer was and I saw Jim Sterling. Funny how I can read the name and say to myself "yep, that makes sense". Now I can never un-see noby noby boy without three eyes.
  • Scotch - October 28, 2010 5:16 a.m.

    Awesome article, Jim. I lol'd

Showing 1-20 of 48 comments

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