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Simply put, no clown should ever be called Kinky Pinky. That alias, in and of itself, is utterly horrifying in the monstrous imagery it conjures up. You know a clown has the wrong name when putting it into a Google Image Search brings up pictures that will definitely get you fired.
As if that wasn't bad enough, just LOOK at him. Try and tell me you wouldn't shit your pants if you woke up in the middle of the night to see this knife-wielding demon, gazing upon you at the foot of the bed, pants down around his ankles, giant penis (painted to match his face) flapping in the breeze coming in through the window he broke to get to your chambers, and a dead dog nailed to the ceiling above you.
C'mon... that'd be a bit spooky.
If there's one thing that could be said for Dragon Quest IX's devilish jester, it's that he has the most intimidating chin in all of interactive entertainment. That entire face is the stuff fear is made of, like a Mr. Punch puppet had sex with Nosferatu and shat out a baby.
Dhoulmagus also scores points for legitimate in-game terror. As the first truly devastating boss of the game, this guy is an absolute beast to be feared. Many and harrowing are my memories of fighting this evil, evil bastard. He's hard enough on his own, but once he splits into three... well, as Dhoulmagus himself would say – "Such a pity."
Adam the psycho from Dead Rising is an amalgamation of humanity's greatest threats – clowns and chainsaws. He also has a voice that sounds like a cross between Mickey Mouse and Satan. Even Dog the Bounty hunter would let a little brown onion drop out of his ringpiece at the thought of that.
It takes some doing to upstage zombies as the scariest thing in a zombie game, but Adam takes home the prize. Congratulations, you squeaky voiced abomination.
All of the above clowns present a threat to the player, yet they pale in comparison to this... nightmare corruption of Satan's darkest desires. Although this clown only appears in Heavy Rain for a handful of moments, it still manages to be the most traumatizing grotesque that ever did stalk God's sacred Earth.
This abnormal aberration is a freak of nature and a cruel jest of science, a gaping maw that yawns open at the dawn of time to swallow our innocence and spit us out as harbingers of sorrow and misfortune. O malcontent, o pitiless wretch! What carnival of sin and macabre pleasures of the phantom plane do you bring forth, that you may tear asunder our frail reality?
Also, that clown was driving the car that hit Jason. I guarantee it.
Jan 6, 2011
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