The most superior superior races

Gaming's most supreme master species, stereotyped and rated

Evidence and source material: Halo, Halo 2, Halo 3

Why they’re superior: These guys are so powerful that they were sealed in a giant space ring to be forgotten about forever. Then they made a game about what happens when you go to the space ring.

The downside: Basically, the Flood get everywhere and they’re impossible to get out. The hard-to-reach area behind the refrigerator, in-between the joints of your Mjolnor armor and the spot on your back that you need someone else to scratch for you. All those places are going to be covered in Flood, and Flood are gross, like boogers.

Will they replace us? Just one man can stop the human race from being turned into goobers: John something-or-other. He’s the Spartan soldier more easily remembered as Master Chief.

All Master Chief has to do is activate Halo. Or maybe stop it from being activated? Or activate it in the right way? Won’t that destroy the universe? No, just the bad part of the universe. Really? How do you figure?

Who built these Halos, anyway? Did they think it was a good idea? Can’t we just go somewhere else and quit fighting these aliens? It’s a big universe, after all. What the hell is even going on?

Evidence and source material: Mass Effect

Why they’re superior: They’re an ancient race hibernating in deep space, monitoring other species and waiting for them to reach a certain technological maturity. Once the inhabitants of the galaxy have advanced enough, the Reapers will awaken and destroy everything. It’s a cycle that’s continued for countless thousands, maybe even millions, of years. They have a first-rate respect for tradition.

Above: One of the lesser species

They’re also way bigger than other species and easily mistaken for starships. In Mass Effect, the Reaper Sovereign, who was left behind to call the rest of his race at the appropriate time, is at first mistaken for a flagship in the villainous Saren’s fleet. It’s not until much later that we discover Sovereign is the puppet master behind Saren’s misguided actions.

The downside: They destroy everything, not just the humans.

Will they replace us? No, these guys aren’t in it to replace anyone. They’re just jerks. The idea is that we will be replaced by whatever species rises from the ashes of our destruction, while they catch several thousand years of beauty rest and think about how much fun they’re going to have the next time they get to annihilate all life.

Feb 5, 2009

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