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The most clueless box blurbs in history

Putting your best gameplay feature forward:

"Battle enemies with separate controls for movement and aiming" - Cy Girls, PS2
- Wha? Separate controls? Fancy! This is so much better than back in the Atari 2600 days when there was just one joystick that had to do both…

"No pain. Train like a mad dog and build your skills in eight punishing training modes such as Rocky's Chicken Chase…" - Rocky Legends, PS2
- Yeah! There's nothing like punishing training modes to get us pumped up. And the fact that we get to chase chickens? Well, that might be labeled as punishment, but we're thinking "Reward!"

"Revolutionary 'at-once turn system' [ATS] - A turn-based style of gameplay where actions are executed rapidly, and faster actions are given priority. Since enemy actions and equipment have all been assigned speeds, there is a greater strategic element to battles." - The Nightmare of Druaga: Fushingo Dungeon, PS2
- [long pause while we laugh] What the…? Whose idea was it to print the owner's manual on the box? Let's pretend just for a moment, for the sake of argument, that this sentence even makes sense and that anyone has the patience to read it - who on Earth thought that these words, put together in this combination, would inspire any potential buyer to purchase anything?



Above: Sometimes a game's controls are really innovative, so they should be mentioned on the box...

"Watch a highly detailed European town change as different time periods are visited" - Shadow of Destiny, PS2
- …Shudder as you realize the paint on the park bench is not all-weather latex. It's not all-weather latex! Nooo...

"Videogame Exclusive new song: "Vaunt" by Trigger" - Defender, Xbox
- Wait, who? Red Hot Chili Peppers? Justin Timberlake? Not even Daughtry? No, none of those losers. This is Trigger. You know, Trigger! The band that did… yeah. We've never heard of them either. NO ONE HAS.

"Featuring two original songs by Cooler Kids!" - Monster Rancher 4, PS2
- Another nobody - there were dozens, but this one is our favorite. Why? Because there's a chance, however slim, that some dimwit will read this and think it's talking about regular kids who just happen to be "cooler" than him or her - and that's why they got to make up the game's songs. And that fills our black hearts with glee.

"Choose athletes from over 10 countries" - ESPN International Track & Field, PS2
- Only 10? The craptacular Athens 2004 on PS2 had more than 75 countries, and the original Summer Games had 18 countries clear back in 1984. You've taken more than 20 years to cut the number of countries almost in half. Have a medal.

"Forge an empire on the revolutionary 3D campaign map with an intuitive display of your cities and armies" - Rome Total War, PC
- A fancy map, eh? Wow, that sounds greazzzzzzzzz...

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2 comments

  • VirAetas - December 15, 2010 10:30 p.m.

    Thank you, Nick that was informative. But to Eric, this article was really funny and I read a number of them aloud to my girlfriend who also enjoyed them. This could be a contender for the annual article along with worst box art(which I am very much looking forward to.) TO THE WELL!
  • nicksayswatzup - December 7, 2008 10:21 p.m.

    uh... first?

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