The Furious Quandaries Of Richard Ayoade

Our columnist attempts to finance his Haddaway biopic

Convincing people to give you money so you can make a film on your terms with no guarantees as to whether they’ll receive a return on their investment is a tedious and humiliating process.

Showing some puffed-up heathen a script is clearly out of the question, as is agreeing to meet the monied vermin.

So I’ve taken to allowing would-be funders of my future magnum opi 75 seconds in a sealed room of my choosing in which they are invited to scan through a personal manifesto for the work in question.

They must then destroy said napkin and transfer the agreed sums to a secure offshore account or risk losing the opportunity of working with me FOREVER. I share with you one such humble treatise.

Donations gratefully accepted (but not returned).

‘WHAT IS LOVE? THE HADDAWAY STORY’ – AN ORIGINAL ENVISIONING BASED ON THE WIKIPEDIA ENTRY.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. – Lao-tzu (604 BC–531 BC*), The Way of Lao-tzu . (*Before cars.)

The real voyage of discovery consists in not seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. – Marcel Proust (1871–1922), author of The Remembrance Of Things Past and winner of the Spectacle Wearer
of the Year Award 1912.

THOUGHTS ABOUT THE JOURNEY OF A FILM ABOUT HADDAWAY OR A THOUSAND DREAMS SNATCHED FROM THE SKY.

Let our film be about ‘love’, but not a love story.

For what is love? (As Haddaway once said.)

We must question everything. Even Haddaway.

Even questions?

Therefore: A love ‘story’? ‘A’ love story? A love s‘to’ry?

What? Is? Love?

Baby don’t hurt me.

Don’t hurt me. (No more.)

Who was Haddaway? We know him as the son of a Dutch oceanographer and a Trinidadian nurse who was a carpet salesman before becoming a pivotal figure in ’90s Eurodance. But Haddaway is more than that. He is a man. This film must find that man.

But how? We follow the path that he gave us with his music!

A Hadda’path’? No: a Hadda’way’!

But who could play him? Would Haddaway be too obvious? This is going to be more complex than I thought!

Possible actors: Lenny Henry (for the older Haddaway), Ewan McGregor (but could he do the accent?), Christopher Plummer (as the ghost of Haddaway’s past).

NOTE: You must resist the temptation to overuse Haddaway songs on the soundtrack. That’s exactly what everyone would expect you to do! And I’m not going to give those vipers the satisfaction! Be brave Ayoade! Ever be brave!

REMEMBER: This will be the first film to take the phenomenon of Eurobeat seriously. All fans of Hi-NRG and Eurodisco will be looking to YOU to tell their story. Do not fail them, Ayoade! History and Eurogroove will judge you!

My bank details are as follows...