The fappiest fitness games

Jumpstart: Get Moving feat. Brooke Burke

Above: Next she’ll be making out with Sonic

The mostly realistic Brooke Burke character model looks completely out of place next to the ridiculous novelty cows and rejected Mii prototypes. It’s nowhere near as sexy as you want it to be, but it still beats the hell out of Wii Fit (even though Brooke clashes so severely with the rest of the game world.)

Score:

My Fitness Coach

My Fitness Coach uses a generic computer generated non-celebrity for an instructor, so if you’re looking for the girl-next-door type then this is your game. She’s unpretentious and attractive in an attainable way, but you may get bored with her after a while and go looking for something more glamorous (scroll down for more glamorous.) Here’s a peek at what My Fitness Coach has in store for you:

Score:

Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010

Above: Jillian WILL give you an angry pirate if you don’t shape your flabby ass up 

If you’re into being verbally assaulted while you while you try to nut (hey, no judgment here,) Jillian Michaels is the perfect fitness bitch for you. She’ll make you work for it, while reminding you just how pathetic you are. Jillian’s agro coaching style will hit you like a hot injection of bull shark testosterone. If that doesn’t perk you right up, listen to Jillian deliver an aggressive ass-chewing as she tears you down just to build you back up:

Score:

Daisy Fuentes Pilates

Above: A semblance of resemblance 

Stodgy old Pilates is suddenly bursting with sensuality, thanks to former MTV veejay-jay Daisy Fuentes. Digital Daisy is easily the most fap-ready of all the fitness coaches we sampled – the game’s producers simply aren’t afraid to let her be sexy. We only wish her assets bounced a little more naturally, but even sans jiggle, Daisy is the reigning queen of videogame fitness coaches. If your mom can only afford one fitness game, tell her to get this one because you saw this thing on the Today Show that said it was good. Don’t believe us? Check out this smirkingly hot (but still comfortably E-rated) gameplay - your boner will thank you.

Score:

Aug. 5, 2010

Sex advice from games
Candid counsel on intercourse from the planet's most mature medium

Gaming’s most devastating genital attacks
The most memorable groin injuries in gaming history, from funny to bloody

Videogame characters that should never be in porn again
The goggles will do nothing