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The fappiest fitness games

It is required by law that every fitness videogame published after 1978 must include an attractive female in tight clothing on its cover, regardless of actual content. This naturally got the attention of our boner, as most things eventually do, and launched us on a Quixotic quest to discover which videogame fitness coach will best service your insatiable autoerotic needs. But buying fitness games can be embarrassing, so rehearse this simple script before entering the store.

You: Do you have Your Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy?

Clerk: Um, I think so. Let me check.

You: Thanks. It’s a gift. Do you think my sister will like it?

Clerk: I don’t know, is your sister hot?

You: I dunno. Probably.

Clerk: Cool (snort). Yeah, we have it. It’s right over there.

If you stay cool and stick to your story, the transaction should go down smoothly. Every game on this list is rated E and probably available used, so you should have no trouble acquiring any of them what suit your fancy.


Your Shape feat. Jenny McCarthy


Above: Cougar attacks are becoming more common in game shops around the world 

Former Playmate of the Year Jenny McCarthy is not the only 90s-era hottie turned Wii fitness MILF on this list. The genre has provided a refuge for sexy matures who are too old for MTV but are still worth working out to. So besides a Playmate, what’s Your Shape’s hook? Thanks to a motion tracking camera, your on-screen Jenny moves exactly how you do… it’s the next best thing to being able to turn her into a human marionette like that creepy villain on Heroes.

 

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Yoga feat. Anja Rubik


Above: Manage your expectations 

Who knew that Eurotrash supermodels had deep spiritual yearnings that could only be assuaged by yoga? Yoga for Wii with Anja Rubik had the potential to be the fappiest fitness game of all time, except for the fact that Anja’s role in the game doesn’t go much beyond appearing on the cover. She does appear in FMV cutscenes to give you tips and advice, but there’s no digital Anja to help you open your chakras. Still, a little Anja goes a long way.

Score:


EA Sports Active

EA Sports Active is not particularly sexy compared to the other games on this list, but earns a mention for giving you the option to choose a male or female virtual trainer. Big ups to Active’s inclusive, non-discriminatory approach to fitness fetish.

Score:


Power Pad Dance Aerobics


Above: For when you can’t find your copy of Jane Fonda’s Workout (images courtesy of MobyGames.com) 

You kids today, with your internet and your porn and your internet porn. In my day (the ‘80s), it was all we could do to get a copy of Dance Aerobics for our Nintendo Entertainment Systems and pray that the instructor would go all Weird Science on us. Watch the gameplay video below to literally taste the desperation.

Score:

Topics

Sexy sexy WTF

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25 comments

  • Smeggs - August 10, 2010 7:21 a.m.

    Technically these games will be doing their job, after awhile your arms will be RIPPED!
  • WoodyWoodrowAndThePanfluteOfDestiny - August 6, 2010 8:40 p.m.

    Classy as always GamsRadder Recaptcha: is Chlamydia Wait what?!
  • Clovin64 - August 6, 2010 2:16 p.m.

    The woman on the second entry horrified me. Anorexia is not sexy.
  • philipshaw - August 6, 2010 10:55 a.m.

    I'm sure Chris did most of the work for this
  • DrPepperGetsAllTheDLC - August 6, 2010 6:07 a.m.

    Hahaha I couldn't stop laughing at the title
  • VaneTrago - August 6, 2010 4:32 a.m.

    Jenny M. should have received an emmy for her trailer... Up until around :50 where she just... stinks up everything. But she was mesmerizing up until then, and I don't even like blow-up dolls.
  • Fro4show - August 6, 2010 2:51 a.m.

    Its better if you gotta sexy girlfriend to play the game for you. One that understands what your after... "No Jillian I want you to make me beg for mercy and then go HARDER!!!"
  • HawtKakez - August 6, 2010 2:19 a.m.

    I feel almost ashamed that none of this is appealing to me whatsoever. The cause of this is most likely my ease of access to adult material or maybe it's because I've never viewed females exercising as something that's exciting. Fun article to read though.
  • screwball08247 - August 6, 2010 1:41 a.m.

    I just love how it says in the first paragraph, "...Our boner".
  • TalkradarLikesAreApe - August 6, 2010 12:38 a.m.

    ummm... "hot injection of bull shark testosterone" well apparently I'm not the only one watching shark week
  • taterboob - August 6, 2010 12:26 a.m.

    Daisy Fuentes made America's Funniest Home Videos worth fapping to. Bob Saget, only slightly less.
  • mastersword369 - August 6, 2010 12:20 a.m.

    Aww C'mon!! NO-one else liked that hot balance board from Wii Fit?!!
  • pollenski - August 5, 2010 10:43 p.m.

    Was it just my warped mind that added various extra lines (ranging from abuse to just plain wrong) into the store role-play scenario? You: I dunno... Probably... Abusive: ...to you ya geeky twat, but with that acne she wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole Dishonest: ...was before that acid accident Honest: ...was before I put acid in her eyeliner Kinda wrong: ...I never really thought about her that way before...hmmm Completely wrong: ...not in most people's eyes but she gives great head If said by a hottie, then giggidy-giggidy: ...we're twins and both forgot to wear underwear today, say is your name Mario? Clerk: Cool (snort). Yeah, we have it. It’s right over there.
  • Tomsta666 - August 5, 2010 10:26 p.m.

    I just fapped to the power pad video
  • Ravenbom - August 5, 2010 9:46 p.m.

    This article smells like pizza... Also, if it was Gamesradar US where's B Buttercup's entry?
  • juicenpancakes - August 5, 2010 9:30 p.m.

    Haha, I love how the tags are: Sexy sexy and WTF. They're pretty much my thoughts and feelings as I read this feature. @510BrotherPanda: I really want to post a picture of my reCAPTCHA, I swear it is Ancient lettering.
  • GamesRadarJoeMcNeilly - August 5, 2010 9:04 p.m.

    GamesRadar US or GamesRadar Staff is used when multiple people contribute to an article, or at the author's discretion
  • 510BrotherPanda - August 5, 2010 9:01 p.m.

    If Dance Aerobics came out before the late 80's, I got a boner before I was even born. Fake Twister in a leotard and headband? Yes. VERY yes. I just got a reCAPTCHA that was half in Chinese characters. HOW DO I TYPE THIS???
  • Cyberninja - August 5, 2010 8:54 p.m.

    we do they put gr us for stuff like this anyway
  • gamingfreak - August 5, 2010 8:42 p.m.

    This is undoubtedly Antista's work.

Showing 1-20 of 25 comments

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