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It is required by law that every fitness videogame published after 1978 must include an attractive female in tight clothing on its cover, regardless of actual content. This naturally got the attention of our boner, as most things eventually do, and launched us on a Quixotic quest to discover which videogame fitness coach will best service your insatiable autoerotic needs. But buying fitness games can be embarrassing, so rehearse this simple script before entering the store.
You: Do you have Your Shape featuring Jenny McCarthy?
Clerk: Um, I think so. Let me check.
You: Thanks. It’s a gift. Do you think my sister will like it?
Clerk: I don’t know, is your sister hot?
You: I dunno. Probably.
Clerk: Cool (snort). Yeah, we have it. It’s right over there.
If you stay cool and stick to your story, the transaction should go down smoothly. Every game on this list is rated E and probably available used, so you should have no trouble acquiring any of them what suit your fancy.
Above: Cougar attacks are becoming more common in game shops around the world
Former Playmate of the Year Jenny McCarthy is not the only 90s-era hottie turned Wii fitness MILF on this list. The genre has provided a refuge for sexy matures who are too old for MTV but are still worth working out to. So besides a Playmate, what’s Your Shape’s hook? Thanks to a motion tracking camera, your on-screen Jenny moves exactly how you do… it’s the next best thing to being able to turn her into a human marionette like that creepy villain on Heroes.
Above: Manage your expectations
Who knew that Eurotrash supermodels had deep spiritual yearnings that could only be assuaged by yoga? Yoga for Wii with Anja Rubik had the potential to be the fappiest fitness game of all time, except for the fact that Anja’s role in the game doesn’t go much beyond appearing on the cover. She does appear in FMV cutscenes to give you tips and advice, but there’s no digital Anja to help you open your chakras. Still, a little Anja goes a long way.
EA Sports Active is not particularly sexy compared to the other games on this list, but earns a mention for giving you the option to choose a male or female virtual trainer. Big ups to Active’s inclusive, non-discriminatory approach to fitness fetish.
Above: For when you can’t find your copy of Jane Fonda’s Workout (images courtesy of MobyGames.com)
You kids today, with your internet and your porn and your internet porn. In my day (the ‘80s), it was all we could do to get a copy of Dance Aerobics for our Nintendo Entertainment Systems and pray that the instructor would go all Weird Science on us. Watch the gameplay video below to literally taste the desperation.