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The etiquette of gaming like a MAN

When fighting, you can kick or punch at three strengths: quick, strong and fierce. They’re euphemisms for these three attack strengths: tiny-baby, medium-baby, and man-punch!

Pick a funny name to let everyone know that this is your character, but you’re not emotionally invested in him or her. Because being emotional is not cool. The last thing you need, if you want to be cool, is to play as Lady Hawklight Hopebringer.

Consider naming your character something clever, like Barf, Butt-Face 3000, Kyle Sucks or name your strongest warrior after your dog or favorite GamesRadar editor. We understand that this is too late for many of you, and that you have already populated your adventures with yourself and the girl from the video store who you’ve never talked to. We’re afraid that the only thing to do is to wave goodbye to the hours you’ve spent leveling, think of a new ironic name and start over. Do it now, before someone sees you playing.

A bard is a poet and minstrel skilled and educated in writing, prancing, rhyming, singing and some other useless stuff. They often show up in role-playing games, muddled in with the fighters, wizards, barbarians, thieves and other real character classes, waiting to be clicked on by someone too lazy to hit the back button.


Above: These are typical bards. None of them have ever killed an orc

If you find yourself in a situation where this could happen to you, vacate the premises. We don’t mean in the game. We mean actually leave wherever you are in real life and don’t talk to your friends ever again. They’re not your real friends. If they were, they’d leave with you because the risk of an errant character-creation click is simply too high.

It is never, under any circumstances, no matter what, a good idea to respond to annoying headset users. Understand this: they’re just baiting you, dude. Mute them. Don’t give them a warning, don’t give them one last chance and don’t try to prove them wrong. Mute them and enjoy the rest of the game.

If you still don’t get it, cut out these simple rules and post them on your forehead:

There’s nothing wrong with slamming down a delicious Dew every now and then, as long as you’re under 21, but everyone will appreciate it if you do so in moderation. Nobody wants to play with the jittery guy secreting enough saccharine sweat to be smelled across the internet.

Instead of caffeine and sugar, consider eliminating sleep by galvanizing your mind with the fire of a thousand suns found in the blackest recess of your heart - you know, where you buried your feelings about when your pet hamster died, or something.

Those of you who’ve never known the pain of hamster loss, just remember, your family doesn’t love you and there is no God.

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92 comments

  • batmanboy11 - December 2, 2010 3:58 a.m.

    This may be the greatest article ever written.
  • Chaoscoolperson - November 6, 2010 2:10 a.m.

    I saw 1 real tip in this list. It was still HILARIOUS!!!!!!
  • wiitard07 - February 28, 2010 5:20 p.m.

    but if I melt off my bumpers I cant play Bioshock and Bioshock is pretty damn manly
  • AnonymouZ - February 27, 2010 11:46 p.m.

    lul, so goddamn good, i almost thought i wasn't a man cuz of the so much laughing... but then i just hacked and spit twice to make up for it
  • TheSugarRay - February 27, 2010 7:37 p.m.

    *grunt* Use invereted, it's the only way it makes sense. I beat Red steel with the pistol.
  • Hellwilder - February 27, 2010 2:48 a.m.

    @RanTheAwesome For the sake of god, those are only jokes! Nobody is so stupid to follow the freaking tips. Criticizing some jokes is just lame in my opinion
  • RanTheAwesome - February 19, 2010 12:58 p.m.

    As much as I'd like to play on Hard, I won't. I don't need to prove I'm HARDCOREZ, you know, so I just stick to Normal in hopes of finishing the game early and avoiding the need to use vulgar profanity, in which my mom will shout to me and tell me to 'watch my language'. For 2, I use the tutorial, only if the game tells you which button to use, but only when it's a new type of game I've never played. Once again, don't need to prove I'm HARDCORZ. Exploring the environment doesn't make one less of a gamer, and just because someone loves detail and is fascinated at how well the game does it, doesn't make someone a N00b. 4 and 5 are silly. Everyone knows guns are better than fists, and most people would argue that your gamerscore/trophies determine your skill. 6-Here we go again-is just blatantly sexist. If I had a guy tell me any of those, I'd beat the shit out of him with the controller and drop his ass like a hot potato. Being sexist and teaching other gamers to act as such does NOT make you MANLY, it makes you an asshole. 7 is pretty cruel, unless they want to play games that are not for their age. 8 and 9 are something I can agree on, but you're forgetting that girls are ALSO like that, too. Don't be ignorant. At least 10 teaches good sportsmanship. Awesome firepower doesn't only apply to males. I love using powerful attacks myself. 12 is pretty immature and does NOT make you HARDCOREZ, it makes you seem stupid in front of your pals. The Bard is pretty useless, but I'd only play as him just to see what he's like, regardless of how spoony he is. 14 I can agree on, 15 is weird. 16 is utterly disgusting. My brothers and myself are considered non-casual gamers, but we're not stupid enough to cover our +$300 equipment in those aforementioned... things. But you'll prove something if do that, alright. You'll not only look stupid, but be considered a basement-dwelling slob who thinks gaming is SERIOUS BUSINESS. 17-I agree. 18 and 19 don't make much sense at all. 20-Once AGAIN, doesn't apply only to men, it applies to every gamer you can possibly imagine. Now, I'll say it again, don't be ignorant. 21 is weird and 22 in untrue. Everyone with an I.Q above a rock's knows that you need TWO hands to use the controller, and doesn't make you any less HARDCOREZ. I have my own ways of dealing with 23. 24 annoys me. I'd rather watch a game being played and ONLY hear said game. 25 is weird. Anyway, this contradicts GamesRadar not being sexist, also this guide is pretty weird, and should be called 'The Etiquette of Gaming Like a Basement-Dweller' instead. Plus BD's can't get girlfiends or freinds, so number 6 and many others should be left out.
  • LikaLaruku - January 31, 2010 7:04 a.m.

    Awesome article, kinda like the stuff from Cracked.
  • YourOldPalD - December 30, 2009 9 a.m.

    Hahahahhahah that was awesome. Manhood and a desire to destroy summed up in 25 points. Actually all laughter asside the no bards policy actually should be a real rule about being considered a man. In FFIV Edward the bard was such a shitbox character that all my friend called him something rude like "Shithead" or "Arsetack" and instead it was considered the normal thing to do. Bards stink. from Dnd To PC. they suck big time. Also one more note and gamesradar goddamn I hope your listening. FIX THE BUGGY COMMENT BOX and the mini password thing. Typing a comment then having to decipher the 90 percent of the time gibberish THAT’S TOO MASHED TOGETHER TO READ just to post your very manly thoughts that cut through people like a vorpal sword just reading them is a pain and the arse (besides real men don’t use finesse when typing, we just pick up a rock and bash the keyboard until we either break it or until half arsed sentence ironically mostly unreadable shows up in the comments)
  • kalashnikov - December 1, 2008 2:19 p.m.

    I raised my beer for "Those of you who’ve never known the pain of hamster loss, just remember, your family doesn’t love you and there is no God."
  • DYL64 - November 24, 2008 3:35 a.m.

    haha this is a great article HARD is DANK!
  • jar-head - November 20, 2008 3:23 a.m.

    24 is so true....
  • lordofultima - November 19, 2008 9:23 a.m.

    Invert the stick? That sounds like about the least-manly thing you can do.
  • Cogglesz - November 16, 2008 2:13 p.m.

    number 24 seems to be adressed to most the folks at gamesradar it seems
  • Wizrai - November 16, 2008 12:30 a.m.

    And this is why I LOVE Games Radar.
  • Face0324 - November 15, 2008 5:50 a.m.

    I cant stand when im playing a game and people try to talk to me during a cutscene
  • wunfitty - November 15, 2008 2:36 a.m.

    ...I play a lot of games on normal...in fact I played Bioshock on normal...lol.....nice article
  • aromickred - November 14, 2008 9:43 p.m.

    The best GR article ever.
  • clever123 - November 14, 2008 8:15 p.m.

    lol this is good
  • Nitemarish - November 14, 2008 7:39 p.m.

    This here's the MANtage You're welcome

Showing 1-20 of 92 comments

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