The etiquette of gaming like a MAN

When fighting, you can kick or punch at three strengths: quick, strong and fierce. They’re euphemisms for these three attack strengths: tiny-baby, medium-baby, and man-punch!

Pick a funny name to let everyone know that this is your character, but you’re not emotionally invested in him or her. Because being emotional is not cool. The last thing you need, if you want to be cool, is to play as Lady Hawklight Hopebringer.

Consider naming your character something clever, like Barf, Butt-Face 3000, Kyle Sucks or name your strongest warrior after your dog or favorite GamesRadar editor. We understand that this is too late for many of you, and that you have already populated your adventures with yourself and the girl from the video store who you’ve never talked to. We’re afraid that the only thing to do is to wave goodbye to the hours you’ve spent leveling, think of a new ironic name and start over. Do it now, before someone sees you playing.

A bard is a poet and minstrel skilled and educated in writing, prancing, rhyming, singing and some other useless stuff. They often show up in role-playing games, muddled in with the fighters, wizards, barbarians, thieves and other real character classes, waiting to be clicked on by someone too lazy to hit the back button.

Above: These are typical bards. None of them have ever killed an orc

If you find yourself in a situation where this could happen to you, vacate the premises. We don’t mean in the game. We mean actually leave wherever you are in real life and don’t talk to your friends ever again. They’re not your real friends. If they were, they’d leave with you because the risk of an errant character-creation click is simply too high.

It is never, under any circumstances, no matter what, a good idea to respond to annoying headset users. Understand this: they’re just baiting you, dude. Mute them. Don’t give them a warning, don’t give them one last chance and don’t try to prove them wrong. Mute them and enjoy the rest of the game.

If you still don’t get it, cut out these simple rules and post them on your forehead:

There’s nothing wrong with slamming down a delicious Dew every now and then, as long as you’re under 21, but everyone will appreciate it if you do so in moderation. Nobody wants to play with the jittery guy secreting enough saccharine sweat to be smelled across the internet.

Instead of caffeine and sugar, consider eliminating sleep by galvanizing your mind with the fire of a thousand suns found in the blackest recess of your heart - you know, where you buried your feelings about when your pet hamster died, or something.

Those of you who’ve never known the pain of hamster loss, just remember, your family doesn’t love you and there is no God.