The etiquette of gaming like a MAN

And, no, we’re not going to be the ones to tell her. It’s an unwritten dude code that it’s your job to deal with it when she asks. And she will. Here are some examples of how this situation could play out correctly:

Soulcalibur IV
Her: “I like Soulcalibur. Can I play winner?”
You: “Sorry, Babe, the controls for this game are PH balanced to be used by a man. You could hurt yourself.”

Mario Kart
Her: “Can I play in the next race? I brought my own Wii-mote.”
You: “Dang, I wish you could, but Mario Kart is a three-player racing game. Sorry!”

Her: “Do you mind if I play Braid? Or are you just going to keep looking at the dashboard with your friends?”
You: “Looking at the dashboard.”

Go ahead and lend your little brother the extra controller your girlfriend brought over.

A real gamer only says “casual” when referring to his pants.

Above: A gathering of “casual” gamers and their serious pants

Got someone blaming you for breaking their new Wii-mote? Look, maybe the controller doesn’t work because we smashed it on the ground, or maybe it got itself smashed on the ground because it didn’t work. Think about that, or better yet, don’t. Real men don’t think - they smash.

We understand that your mom isn’t online, so you don’t have to use your best language, but you’re only showing your own lack of wit by yelping at opponents with the same couple of cookie cutter insults heard all across the internet.

We’ve thought carefully and come up with a complete list of acceptable phrases in an online match: “Good game” and “Nice shot.” That’s everything you’ll need to say, and definitely everything anyone wants to hear from you.

That is, unless you think you can get under their skin and give yourself an advantage. If you can, go for it. But you’ll have to be more creative than the typical lewd attack on their sexuality. We know that’s asking a lot of you, Internet.