The cheesiest videogame songs EVER

Pop ballads, hair metal and other ear-ripping tunes so bad you can’t stop listening

Standout lyric: “Fugitizin’ capturizin’”

Everyone has a unique opinion on the “War on Terror.” One thing we can all agree on, however, is that Fugitive Hunter is one of the highest prices gamers have had to pay because of this war with no conceivable beginning or end. As long as fear mongering and mindless flag waving exist, there’ll always be someone ready to make a game about kneeing Osama Bin Laden in the nuts.

Oh and there’s this shitty song that pronounces the game “Fuuugitive Hunnnnaaaaa”

Freestylin’: Black Ops Entertainment was so enamored with its creation that it included several “Bonus!” videos on the disc. Two of them are freestyle rapper Mr. Re going to town with the game’s music. Here’s one. But only one.

Head to thelast pagefor cheesy lyrics to “Fugitive Hunter.”

Standout lyric: “DAYAAAAAAAAAAM!”

We sure would have liked to hear more Schwarzenegger-esque quips from Augustus Cole, aka “The Cole Train.” Well, that’s what we were thinking until he let loose with an entire ‘90s-style rap comprised of nothing but said quips. As funny as “this my kinda shit!” is the first time, hearing it 10 consecutive times is far too much.

Still fun though, surprisingly catchy compared to stuff on this list.

Wrap it up: Totally unrelated to Gears but somewhat on topic, the DK Rap from Donkey Kong 64 is much worse but so common on list articles we chose to omit it. But what the hell, here it is anyway. Come on Cranky, take it to the fridge!

Head to thelast pagefor cheesy lyrics to “The Cole Train.”

Standout quote: “There would not be an enemy he could not put down with a gun.”

Probably never heard of this PSone-era gem, have you? Don’t worry, most of us missed it the first time around too. Thankfully one of our editors with a game library two titles shy of a “shit ton” recalled this ultra-obscure, hyper-cheesy opera about a Western man in an Eastern world.

And that man that nobody knew grew up to be... Rising Zan, subject of perhaps the most enthusiastic song about a game five people played.

Incredibly unknown: Need a game that pays homage to America’s Funniest Home Videos, both visually and aurally? Check out Incredible Crisis’ bouncy tune that, despite having few lyrics, manages to out-cheese many of the other songs on this list. It’s just too damn happy!

Head to thelast pagefor cheesy lyrics to “Rising Zan.”

Standout lyric: “Love can come through an open door.”

Hey kids, remember NiGHTS? It’s one of the few franchises that’s been allowed to ungracefully die twice! Maybe they should’ve left out the cheddary intro tune that reminds us of a B-side Backstreet Boys song off the first album that was okay but not nearly as good as Millennium.

Uh, if we ever listened to Backstreet Boys.

Slippery slope: Aw heck, as cheesy as NiGHTS is, we can’t help but love the guy/gal anyway. It’s a fun shame song. Same goes for any song from Sonic CD. Here’s the ending video and accompanying tune from the GameCube version. So many memories...

Head to thelast pagefor cheesy lyrics to “Dreams Dreams.”

Standout lyric: bljbsdgljdgdgkjbdg

Awful. Just awful.

Take you for a ride: To aid your recovery from the incesto-porn that surely follows the brother/sister conversation in the above video, sooth your ears with this gratingly catchy tune from Marvel vs. Capcom 2:

And don’t forget about the next page with all its cheesy lyrics...

Sep 23, 2008

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