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The Anti-Awards 2010


WINNER: The Kinect boat thing

We always kind of suspected the companies behind necessities like clip-on baseball bats for Wii Remotes would do anything to make a buck, but it wasn’t until the advent of Game Boat that those suspicions were confirmed. Proudly advertised as “de facto the first accessory for the peripheral which doesn't need any,” the Game Boat serves no purpose other than to occupy floor space and extract cash from the wallets of extremely unimaginative Kinect owners.

In case this is your first time seeing Game Boat, the image above tells pretty much the entire story. It’s an inflatable raft, designed for jumping up and down in while playing exactly one of the five minigames that make up Kinect Adventures. And if Kotaku’s Stephen Totilo is to be believed, it doesn’t even do that particularly well. It’s too pathetic to be angry at, really, but the thought of even one clueless parent picking up a Game Boat in the misguided belief that Kinect Adventures needs it to work is so infuriating, we can’t help but call this out as the biggest horseshit peripheral in a market already choked with ‘em.

Marvel vs Capcom 3

The game isn’t out yet, but the advance news of paid DLC really got to us. We can deal with endless SSFIV costumes, but we can't stand knowing we'll be paying extra for game-changing characters the same day we buy the damn game. We don’t mind shelling out for DLC down the road, but gouging gamers for content that’s clearly already on the disc is foul.




WINNER: Dead or Alive Paradise

The non-fighting, giggly girls frolicking at the beach games of Dead or Alive have never pretended to be anything other than a shameless exercise in gravure lady gazing. No one's really in it for the volleyball. Dead or Alive Paradise lost even more of the unnecessary pretence to gratuitous eye-boggling, dropping a bunch of the minigames from the console versions while getting an all new Private Paradise mode. This mode took the art of vigorously appreciating the form of a woman made of graphics to hitherto unknown levels of pervertery.

Effectively, the “exclusive” Private Paradise mode enabled players to watch the girls at their leisure as they swam in shallow reefs, climbed trees in secluded hideaways and many, many other exciting activities enjoyed by the DoA lovelies while clothed in only the most flimsy of fabrics. The real genius, though, is that the footage of Kasumi and friends indulging these island exploits plays over and over. On a loop. Meaning no buttons to press. Meaning hands free. Meaning you could watch them until you became exhausted. Meaning you could have a wank of your Johnston.

Heavy Rain

Imagine for a second that A) you had a child and B) said child had been kidnapped by a serial killer. You’d definitely do everything possible to save your kid, right? Nah. If you’re a parent in Heavy Rain, you’d totally be having shoehorned, stiffly-animated sex. After all, there’s boners to activate.


 


WINNER: The Last Guardian

We expect anything from Team Ico to take several years. Both ICO and Shadow of the Colossus were delayed, but once they were released, both captured our hearts with some of the best gameplay and silent characterization the medium has ever known. When Team Ico’s latest outing, now called The Last Guardian, was revealed way back in 2008, we didn’t want to wait one more second – based on the team’s stunning record, we needed the game now.

Merely knowing the game was in development made 2008 a tough wait. The 2009 teaser trailer pulled more than a few tears out of our crusty, jaded eye holes and all but convinced us Guardian will be the PS3’s finest achievement. Surely it’ll launch in ’09? Oh, no, 2010? OK we can wait one more year. Nope! Now it’s “late 2011,” which is still intensely vague and subject to further delay. Go on, try pushing it back again. Tease us one more time. See what happens.

DC Universe Online

It’s been years since Jim Lee did one-handed push-ups at E3 2008 promoting DC Universe Online. It’s been even longer since SOE first announced plans to work with Warner Bros on an MMO set in the DC Universe in 2005. The game has finally received an official release date for January 11, and they’d better mean it this time.




WINNER: Bayonetta’s Stone Award

Like we mentioned at the beginning of this shameful debacle, Bayonetta’s Stone Award is the ultimate “eat shit and die you loser idiot” thing you could ever hand out in a game. It’s like having a teacher write “F lol” on some homework you thought was just fine. Adding insult to injury doesn’t even come close.

But what is the Stone Award? Like most titles from Platinum Games, Bayonetta hands out awards that are based on your performance. Obviously the goal is to get the highest rank on each level, which given our years of experience, shouldn’t be too hard on Normal. Nope, cuz ‘netta is truly cruel and repeatedly gives you these statues of a fat guy slipping on a banana peel. Look, we expect to get our asses kicked, that’s part of the game. But does Super Meat Boy spit in your eye ever time you lose? No, and constantly equating our seasoned game skills with clumsy, perpetually falling corpulence made us want to cry.

Super Mario Galaxy 2

Despite its kiddy looks, Galaxy 2’s late levels are some of the most challenging in Mario history. Now we’re cool with seeing a Game Over screen before choosing to continue, but does Nintendo’s fat, dopey, purple watchdog of personal health have to ask you EVERY TIME if you want to take a break? We’ll tell you when we’ve had enough!



A character disappears in a cutscene or falls through a level; that’s fairly acceptable in this day and age, not unlike a boom mic falling into frame in a Hollywood production. But game breaking shit that defeats the purpose of the very atmosphere the game is trying to present? Totally unacceptable. The “patch it later” philosophy was barely acceptable before every console came standard with hard drives and net connections, but now that new games have a much smaller window for success, the amount of pro bono beta testing put upon paying customers rose to embarrassing levels in 2010.


Above: Herp deh durp!

Assholes exploiting glitches in Black Ops is certainly infuriating; however, balancing it quickly has almost become part of the multiplayer process. But a fast paced game like Bayonetta hitting PS3 with crippling framerate issues and agonizing load times nonexistent on 360? A dynamically-defined, open-world RPG like Fallout: New Vegas corrupting saves? Was a broken replay system and denying you your painstakingly collected bandages part of Super Meat Boy’s general sadism?


Above: Derp deh hurp!

Dude… you guys had a QA team, right? Why the goddamned holy hell were widespread, experience-ruining snafus left up to early adopters paying full price to discover on launch day?! Patch, smatch – core gameplay should take precedent over hitting a release date. Failing to fix obvious flaws so crucial to a specific experience is not only conflicting for reviewers like us, who have to weigh such oversights in their final appraisals, it’s absolutely toxic to early word of mouth.

98 comments

  • xSpeedyMonkeyx - January 16, 2011 9:31 p.m.

    I dont understand this... This whole article is based on their opinions and yet you all get worked up. Just because they have an article doesnt mean they know what theyre talking about. Especially if they just ruined a few games I wanted to play without a warning. Failures. Garbage article.
  • Zeb364 - January 10, 2011 9:18 a.m.

    Agreed for most of them and had a pretty good laugh at the Black Ops glitch video.
  • Yeager1122 - January 9, 2011 8:09 a.m.

    Cant beleive people got that worked up over halo reach getting an 8 although it was hilarious to listen to you guys read some of what people said.
  • coolip - January 9, 2011 4:08 a.m.

    Lol, that talkradar vid was hilarious. I remember the ApocalyPS3 of '2010 like it was last year, I lost my trophies (but I got em back in the end)
  • Reaperman64 - January 9, 2011 2:10 a.m.

    @zonic505 The charecters are on the disc, otherwise online theyd be confined to being used against players who already have the dlc. and special edition owners get them immediately, although the limited aint comming out over in the uk... Same thing with SSF4 costumes, the first set can be seen by all, as there on the disc, but not everybody can see the second lot, as they are dlc. Mvc3 is a shameless, and potentially balance ruining cash grab
  • RazielArcanum - January 8, 2011 10:08 p.m.

    I honestly don't understand the structure of this article. I'm going to have to pass.
  • JetpackJesus - January 8, 2011 5:28 p.m.

    Paying for Jill in MvC3? Me no likee. Paying for Shuma Gorath, on the other hand? I can livee withoutee.
  • CodeR - January 8, 2011 2:28 p.m.

    LOL WUT - yes many people would like the Devil May Cry reboot to be Bayonetta with less boobs, but since when do the narcissistic dumbasses at Ninja Theory have the competency to do that? So they are good at characterisation, perhaps they should stick at writing and not developing games then? Strangely many people would love Platinum Games to have been brought back by Capcom, not another cringe worthy attempt at "westernisation" like Bionic Commando. The knee jerk reaction to that trailer was pretty stupid but there are real issues underlying it that have nothing to do with aesthetics of the new Dante.
  • Sukharevskaya - January 8, 2011 6:30 a.m.

    HaHAHAHA! Your guy's humor seriously tops anything I've read before on a game website.
  • quincytheodore - January 8, 2011 3:27 a.m.

    I agree with FF13, it takes too long to start up, you can't even level-up in the first 2 hours. I have plenty tolerance for story driven game and played many FF before, but FF13 is like a lonely experience with epic setting. I can see how many gamers feel alienate by it. I haven't finish Enslaved yet, but it convinced me that Dante make-over might actually be good. DMC is good but not in GoW or Bayonetta level, they need something fresh. Dante-in-blue, oh I meant Nero with his klepto hand is not the answer. And the stone award... I have to apologize before, I don't mean to troll or mock you in anyway, but I thought bronze, Cereza I think, was the worst. I got it when playing one of the early levels, I swear there was a voice in the background saying I played like a little girl, I was already down on the floor OTL. "Pat in the back"
  • texasgoldrush - January 8, 2011 1:55 a.m.

    @ GamesRadarCharlieBarratt Giving Pyramid a larger role would in fact hurt the game's pacing and take the focus of the characters and their relationship with eachother. While narratives like Red Dead Redemption (or any Rockstar game in general) and FFXIII have no concept of pacing, Enslaved stands out for its excellent sense of pace. Pyramid's role is small because the protagonists do not know his true motives until they get to his base. Its easily understandable. Trying to force his motives into the plot earlier would derail the pacing and cause the narrative to lose focus. Trips enslavement of Monkey is far more important to the plot than Pyramids motives. There was closure to Trip's relationship with Monkey, it was a sense of support, from when he tells her to turn the handband back on until when she kills Pyramid, telling her its over and supporting her(a decision he may not have agrred with as he was wearing the mask and enthralled by the images). It was a morally ambigious ending to a morally ambigious game with morally ambigious characters (all three characters can be considered anti-heroes).
  • Spybreak8 - January 8, 2011 1:32 a.m.

    I love the category "Cheap grab for a boner" lol. It's too bad APB was crap and like Tdar said it's just odd that APB and Crackdown 2 come out the same time and both are less than decent.
  • GamesRadarCharlieBarratt - January 7, 2011 7:53 p.m.

    @Kwalaboy Since you're clearly biased against a particular side of the GR staff, and since you couldn't even bother to spell my name correctly when trying to provoke with words like "disgraceful" and "disgusting" (nice way to start a conversation), I won't waste too much time on my response: I did think that Reach was an improvement over the previous Halo, ODST. That's why I scored Reach an 8 and ODST a 7. 8 > 7
  • GamesRadarCharlieBarratt - January 7, 2011 7:38 p.m.

    @texasgoldrush I love your interpretation of Enslaved, and you've given me some extra appreciation for the story - which I already appreciated quite a bit - but I'm not going to follow you down this rabbit hole of TV tropes and English lit definitions for who's a protagonist and who isn't. That's not what's important to my original argument. Again, my problems with the ending are: 1) That the relationship between Trip and Monkey isn't resolved or even developed any further. Regardless of whether it's romantic or just emotional, as you say, I believe there should have been some kind of closure. We get no details on what they might do next, what kind of life they might lead or whether they'll stick together. Instead, we get a sudden onslaught of details on... 2) Pyramid, which until this point, has been depicted as a vague and generic army of robots. We know they imprisoned Trip and Monkey at the beginning, and we hear the occasional line of dialogue about them being "slavers," but if the true nature of Pyramid is so crucial to the ending - and to Trip's arc - then the game should have given Pyramid more of a narrative impact and presence throughout. I felt the ending did a lot more to explain Enslaved's collectibles than satisfyingly wrap up Enslaved's story. Thanks for responding so eloquently, though... this has been a fun and thought-provoking discussion.
  • iDEALfury - January 7, 2011 7:09 p.m.

    that kinect launch lineup nearly made me throw up... seriously, 4 fitness games??!?!
  • Pruman - January 7, 2011 6:33 p.m.

    @ZukotaIsoba: It is impossible for Other M to be an origin story. Did you notice that the opening cutscene is a flashback from Super Metroid, the seventh game in the series chronologically? If Other M was a prequel to the original, I would agree with you wholeheartedly. But at this point, Samus had fought Ridley five times already (the original, Prime 1 and 3, and twice in Super Metroid). To break down scared and crying, and wait for a man to save her, is not becoming of someone who had already blown up multiple space pirate strongholds, killed countless numbers of their soldiers and leaders, and committed genocide against three different species of dangerous parasites (the Ing and Phazon being the other two) and was about to commit genocide against a fourth (the X parasites).
  • bedelicious - January 7, 2011 12:34 p.m.

    I agree with pretty much everything. Also glad to see someone acknowledge at least some of the stupidity in Heavy Rain, I couldn't believe it got so many nominations for best new character and story and stuff around the Internet. PS: I knew I should have thrown a bigger fit about DmC's trailer, now I feel outdone XD Say whatever you want though, but it would take a lot to make me believe this game could be good. On the other hand, I thought the reaction to Halo Reach's score was adorable XD seriously, who didn't see that a million miles away? I'm sure anything less than perfect 10 would have led to a similar result XD
  • ChuckB - January 7, 2011 12:19 p.m.

    I liked Enslaved's ending...
  • Kwalaboy - January 7, 2011 2:11 a.m.

    @texasgoldrush beautifully put. It was all about Trip's Trip. Monkeys awareness of self-being was only to show the humanity and innocents of Trip can heal the most corrupt of people. @TRUS This is probably the third article that's been posted in the last few months including the inception/halo reach video and to be honest, as bad as the reaction was from the 'halo' community, the way you have handled it has been disgraceful. Your critical opinion is perfectly valid and the reputation you uphold means it carries a lot of weight. But to publicly take another persons comment and respond by sarcastically repeating it with the pure intention of insulting the writer is disgusting. A few weeks ago Justin Towell decided to give GT5 a 7. Many who had been anticipating the game took offense to this and questioned why he had chosen his score. In the following podcast he responded and tried to answer many question put to him. He didn't respond 'with his mates' insulting anyone who bad mouthed his review. He looked at it subjectively (which he is paid to do as a JOURNALIST) One of the points raised in you video was a reader who had commented why you felt the game was an improvement of the previous halo and then decided to score it lower, that sounds like a valid point, I know because I read the review thinking the same thing, yet all you did was insult him. Since the video response (not so much the review, to be honest I couldn't care less about the review) the only GR US member who I ever read the article of is Matthew Keast. So Charlie Barrett and Co. How you gonna treat this comment, you gonna make a smarmy youtube video, or do you fancy answering me seriously? Also Meiks, Keast, Towell, Cundy, Irvine and Houghton (yes i've finally bought singularity after your recommendation) keep up the good work.
  • texasgoldrush - January 7, 2011 1:38 a.m.

    To add http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SupportingProtagonist Thats what Monkey really is. In fact, Trip's Journey To The West counterpart, the monk Xuanzang (who is also refered to as Tripitaka), is the protagonist and main character of the classic novel. The cental character isn't the one with the "clearest story arc", its the character that the story revolves around. The reason why Trip isn't the protagonist is that she would not be fun to play as in a video game. The story is very small picture and the picture is Trip. In fact, the big picture is way too shallow to be anything other than about the small picture.

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