Google+

The 9 most ridiculous things in Jaws Unleashed

3. THE CHALLENGES


This being a sandbox game, the waters surrounding Amity Island are filled with brief side challenges. Some of these are direct homages to the Jaws films, like this bit where you eat water-skiing enthusiasts as they try to ramp over you. Or maybe it’s a Happy Days reference. It’s hard to be sure.

Above: In Soviet America, shark jumps you! 

Others are just the ridiculous sorts of things you’d imagine a massive, human-eating shark would get up to in real life, like yanking down bungee jumpers for fun or pulling helicopters out of the sky.

Above: This was a great idea all around

Above: Yes. YES. SUCH POWER

For our money, though, the absolute weirdest challenge involves hurling explosive barrels at the beachfront homes of polluting executives and then killing them as they run for safety not to the trees behind them, but toward the beach. You know, the beach where the explosive barrel came from. And where a killer fish is now waiting for them.

Above: Sigh

Once they’re down there, you’re free to attempt to eat them (which won’t work), or hurl another barrel at them, which will immediately immolate them.

Above: This happens 

It seems like a silly, throwaway mission, but it raises some disturbing questions about Jaws’ intelligence. Even if we assume he knows what a house is and what throwing explosives at one will do to it, there’s the question of how he found out that corporate suits responsible for pollution were living there. Did he perform a background check? Did a phone directory float past him at some point? Is he just completely omniscient?

Above: We’re going to go with that last one 

Whatever the case, you can see the toasted corporate types – and a few of the other, weirder challenges – in the video below:



4. THE TAILWHIP


As you gain points from beating levels and challenges, you’ll be able to upgrade Jaws’ abilities, which in turn will grant you new attacks to try out on the hapless residents of Amity. Out of Jaws’ entire arsenal, however, no move is as blatantly silly, inexplicable or awesome as the tailwhip maneuver. Unsurprisingly, it involves Jaws slapping a victim into the air with his tail, but what happens next is… well, maybe we should just show you.

We don’t know why they explode, but they do. And it will never, ever get old.


5. IT’S A LOVE STORY


Jaws Unleashed isn’t just the first Jaws game to put players in control of the shark; it’s the first to craft a love story around that shark. It’s hard to get a read on our hero’s emotions through those black button eyes of his, but we’re pretty sure that when he wanders into the bay of Fisherman’s Isle, he immediately falls in love with the giant blue whale carcass floating just beneath the surface there.

Above: Jaws has always had a thing for big girls 

At least, it’s about as close to a love interest as Jaws has, seeing as he likes to spend time with it and put his mouth on it. It even has a suggestively titled side mission, “Mine All Mine,” which tasks you with defending it from other, more puny sharks. This is, for the record, the only time Jaws ever defends anything other than himself. Given this rare devotion, is it really so strange to think that love could bloom between a vicious predator and an unfathomably gross health hazard several times his size?




6. JAWS THE TORPEDO LAUNCHER


At one point, you’ll be tasked with bringing down a trio of oil rigs a short distance from shore. It seems like an awfully big task for a creature that’s just basically a giant set of wind-up teeth, but as we’ve learned, Jaws is abnormally resourceful and the people of Amity are abnormally stupid. This time, they’ve left a wrecked submarine just laying there, with a full complement of loose, live torpedoes ripe for the picking.

Above: This is the exact point at which we completely stopped expecting the game to abide by real-life rules and learned to love the awesome 

Above: No, wait. This is that point 

Once Jaws has disabled the gun turrets mounted on each rig’s supports (by biting them, naturally), it’s time to go in for the kill. Two torpedoes launched from the mouth of a dopey-looking shark later, and the oil rig is history. Also, whatever oil it was able to extract should probably be contaminating the bay at this point, but, again – we’ve given up on real-world rules ever applying. And we’re much happier for it.

In fact, we actually had bigger reservations with the second half of that level, wherein you’re asked to swim up to an underwater generator and destroy it with no tools other than your face.

Above: Oh, OK. Good thing I know what that is, being an animal and all 

Above: Oh. I just have to bash my face into that pipe a few times? OK, that seems reasonable 

Above: Good thing I know to do that, too 

Above: OH NO DID A SHARK ATTACK US!? 

We Recommend By ZergNet

62 comments

  • nik41507 - December 6, 2009 9:44 p.m.

    If sharks were really like this..............
  • justified_candy - August 10, 2009 8:39 a.m.

    well, have you played this game on weeeed?
  • speno93 - August 8, 2009 5:12 a.m.

    lol, becasue a normal shark can really do those things, it must be a freak of nature!
  • Stabby_Joe - August 8, 2009 1:34 a.m.

    As stupid as many aspects were, the main issue some critics had was waaaay too many bugs hence why the PAL version was better with a later release.
  • LittleTaco - August 8, 2009 1:10 a.m.

    wow the ultimate shark..
  • mertor3190 - August 7, 2009 9:01 p.m.

    This has to be the most hilarious article i have ever read! And Jaws has to be the smartest sea creature ever!
  • Unoriginal - August 7, 2009 8:02 p.m.

    Jaws He knows where you live! Dun-Dun...Dun-DUn
  • richtaur - August 7, 2009 7:47 p.m.

    Haha this looks ridiculous. I want it!
  • dante1924 - August 7, 2009 2:07 p.m.

    Ha ha, Jaws Unleashed is a big steaming pile of crap. And yet, I feel urged to play it to feel it in all of it's crappy glory. I didn't know sharks were smart enough to read, work generators, or know what the hell a mayor is!
  • rxb - August 7, 2009 12:37 p.m.

    Who ever signed off on this game was either a rebel, a visionary or off their face on class A drugs.
  • SwampRock - August 7, 2009 8:53 a.m.

    I had to beat the giant squid for my friend because he was afraid of it, and it seemed that a lot of the objectives incorporated throwing explosive barrels. Also The mine level sucked a nut, a huge nut.
  • ELpork - August 7, 2009 6:22 a.m.

    Jaw's take's down choppers in the film's right?
  • TheWebSwinger - August 7, 2009 5:37 a.m.

    Aww Mikel Reparaz. The Conoisseur of all things Crap, video game movie or otherwise. The Sultan of Suck. The Baron of Bad. The Archduke of Awful. The King of Krap (yes I'm doing Mortal Kombat spelling).
  • Rhesus - August 7, 2009 3:43 a.m.

    This game is ridiculously awful, but it DOES have its own article. So it is NOT unsuccessful.
  • beaubasketball2 - August 7, 2009 3:21 a.m.

    shut the fuck up asshole this game changed my life and i never regret playing it.so u keep ur dumbass comments to yourself we all know its fake dip shit so back off and find something good to do besides blowing yourself.
  • doomdoomdoom - August 7, 2009 3:21 a.m.

    I have this game It is only fun to put cheats in and go around eating people it is fucking fun but it is still a bad game but fun once and a while.
  • Vagrant - August 7, 2009 2:07 a.m.

    Mikel, these articles keep making this game look REALLY good. And what? We don't get to see the Orca showdown or the lame ending? But I'm emotionally invested now! (how appropriate. Recaptcha thing: "from ripple".)
  • KillDrone - August 7, 2009 2:07 a.m.

    Did I miss the battle with the killer whale when you escape the aquarium?
  • GrantG - August 7, 2009 1:33 a.m.

    and to think I almost bought that game
  • lewis42025 - August 7, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    oh man, this article had me laughing so hard! but its a little scary in a foreshadowing kind of way. recaptcha: kick leuci ok...where is she?

Showing 1-20 of 62 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000

OR…

Connect with Facebook

Log in using Facebook to share comments, games, status update and other activity easily with your Facebook feed.