"Gaiares" wasn't a videogame, it was an attempt to exterminate nerds. Behold:
First they found the ultimate Nerd, Patient Zero of mullet-infection. Then they gave him a T-shirt emblazoned with an unpronounceable Japanese word, knowing full well that's what bullies sense instead of pheromones so they know who to wedgie. Honestly, this guy better hope he's asexual enough to reproduce by division because they're going to yank his underwear up so hard they cut him in two.
Unfortunately we’re concerned this ability to attract the interest of healthy male children in the playground may have backfired and accidentally created the ultimate pedophile.
There is no way he's not trying to lure children into that basement. The fuller hair, the still peachy-fuzzy 'tache, the game playing unattended in the background, the way he's holding out the gaming magazines as if the candy shop won't let him buy sweets anymore and how his entire quote is describing how everyone else thinks Gaiares is cool. Or possibly, just how much the Battletoads and Mickey Mouse think it’s cool. It’s not quite clear. At any rate, run away, kids.
5. Black cats in parkas. Tremble in terror! (F.E.A.R. 2)
Apparently Warner Bros Interactive hired some incredible mice: tiny rodents genetically engineered to learn human language and work in videogame PR (Pinky? Brain?). Well, that's what must have happened, because the only other explanation is even more insane - that a human thought this would be scary:
The logic at work here seems to be this: an ultra-tense, gore-blasted horror game about special forces troops fighting for life against the nightmarish mind-powers of an abused little ghost girl with superhuman abilities (aka "Japanese horror villain #2", second only to penis-tentacled demons) is suggested by cute housecats in adorable little jackets. PS: If you're promoting an action-horror game and the word "adorable" is mentioned, you suck.
The idea was that black cats wandering around on Friday the 13th would be scary, completely missing the point that anyone truly affected by such superstitions
a) doesn't have a games console
b) died of cholera several decades ago
One final note: if you happen to be the type of person who actually IS freaked out by seeing a black cat run under your ladder on Friday the 13th, you must never, ever play FEAR. The only way you’ll avoid crapping yourself to death will be if your heart simply explodes.
6. AsciiPad A-hole
It's normal for older people to be wrong about what's "hip" – after all, they’re still using the word hip – but in the 90s Asciiware couldn’t have been less cool if the home office was located on the surface of the sun. This ad is a more disastrous attempt to impress children than the LAPD Vice squad's "Bring your kids to work day," and it ended even more horrifically:
100% of anything with marketing-style "attitude" sucks, but this advert fails at being Extreme so hard it uses s's in words that are meant to have z's. Asciiware's idea of "cool" was an insane cross between an albino, magic markers, fake leopardskin and someone who'd be asked to leave an empty Rocky Horror show just because. Even the message is garbled and misguided. “Hey kids, buy our controller and you’ll look like this!” How stupid would a kid need to be to think that sounded like a good deal?
Above: Even the guys in Sigue Sigue Sputnik saw this ad and said “You know, that’s just not a look that anyone anywhere should aspire to”